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Original poster

Need some sex advice.

32 replies

Lula2515 · 19/06/2014 17:58

I don't really know what to do. I should start by saying I'm 20 weeks pregnant, so my hormones might be driving me mad.
Me and my DP have been together for just under a year and sex has dried up a bit. We last had sex 4 weeks ago. I really miss the affection and the bond. It's driving me mad.
I've tried talking to him about it, but he gets quite annoyed. Says he's tired from work or feels like he's a bit too fat. I've been sympathetic but I feel like crying. I obviously don't want to pressure him into having sex with me, but I just don't understand what's going on. He says it's nothing to do with the baby.
It's also driving me mad wondering if there's anything going on with anyone else and it makes me resent how charming and generous he is on nights out with the girls from his office.
Sorry..this is really rambly but I'm very emotional about it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lula2515 · 19/06/2014 18:39

Anyone? Don't know if I'm being unreasonable... Crying about the whole thing right now

OP posts:
Canihaveonemoreslice · 19/06/2014 18:44

Sorry your so upset. I think you need to speak to him about how you are feeling. Tell him honestly how it's making you feel.
It seems that it's making you suspect that something may be going on with someone else. Do you think he could be having an affair.

For me the one thing that stands out is that you've been seeing each other less than a year and sex has dried up. This is the time when you would still be wanted to rip each other's clothes off. Has he withdrawn in any other area?

NewNameForSpring · 19/06/2014 18:48

Sorry but it sounds like he has had enough of the relationship but because you are pregnant he can't tell you. You barely know each other. You need a huge chat where you ask him to tell you truthfully how he feels, saying you would rather know the truth even if it is that he wants to break up. What is he like now apart from the sex issue?

Original poster
Lula2515 · 19/06/2014 18:50

I have spoken to him about it, a couple of times. I've even cried talking to him about it so he knows. Thinks I'm being hormonal and over the top and that talking about it is making it worse. Thing is...how long am I meant to leave it for and pretend its not killing me every night? You're right, at less than a year, 4 weeks is a long time.
He's never been as affectionate as me but things otherwise I guess are the same as before.
I don't know about an affair....I thnk probably not. But he does spend a lot of time being charming and wonderful and 'friendly flirting' (his words) with females he works with. This used to mildly annoy me but not massively but now he's too tired for me it annoys me more and makes me feel a bit unloved. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lula2515 · 19/06/2014 18:54

I asked him if he wanted out, said I was being ridiculous and creating problems.
Have been arguing a bit- including about sex. I've also been annoying him a bit recently...just don't know what to do.
I don't know if it's me being over the top or if this is an actual issue.

OP posts:
CanaryYellow · 19/06/2014 18:56

You've been together less than a year, he may have a very low sex drive and you are only now discovering this.

Original poster
Lula2515 · 19/06/2014 18:57

I don't think it's a low sex drive, we had loads of sex for the first 9months.. And knowing what he was like before we got together I know his sex drive isn't low!

OP posts:
chaseface · 19/06/2014 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lula2515 · 19/06/2014 19:32

I didn't think I'd have to...

OP posts:
CanaryYellow · 19/06/2014 19:46

I'm sorry but it really does sound like it's just fizzled out tbh but he knows he's going to look a bit of a twat if he ends things with his pregnant girlfriend.

There not even really much advice to give with regards to salvaging the relationship.

There isn't a solid foundation there to 'work on', he won't communicate, he's out being flirty and charming and generous (whatever that means) with girls from the office. This doesn't sound like a man ready to face the challenges and strains that a newborn baby brings into even very good, established relationships.

I think you might need to consider preparing yourself to bring your baby up whilst not in a relationship with this man.

Fuckthatatforty · 19/06/2014 19:47

My marriage finally ended due to lack of sex (maybe every 6 weeks) but it was the final straw. But I had been with him for 15 years so I knew what was normal and what was an issue. No mathematician but if you are 20 wks pregnant and have been with him for less than a year that makes about 6 months of sex together? The only time I didn't want sex was when I was pregnant and some men feel the same way, but if that is the case he should tell you?

Original poster
Lula2515 · 19/06/2014 19:55

Yeah I've given him lots of chances to say that the baby was an issue. And if that was the case then I'd totally understand, at least I would know it wasn't me. But I guess it is.

OP posts:
Fuckthatatforty · 19/06/2014 20:04

For what it's worth it's generally women who don't like having sex during pregnancy, rather than the men, but it was worth considering it. Sorry op I don't know what else to suggest other than my ex and my sex drives were always different and caused a bit of an issue but it only got really bad towards the end. I think 4 weeks without intimate contact is probably not normal unless you are in the unique position where neither of you have any sex drive or need for any intimacy.

chaseface · 19/06/2014 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lula2515 · 19/06/2014 20:45

But that's not what I want!!! Sad

OP posts:
ShergarAndSpies · 19/06/2014 20:46

You know OP, I can't help thinking a lot of the replies you've had have been v doom and gloom and I don't think that is necessarily a certainty.

If you're 20wks now, the baby is becoming more of a real entity (and probably moving too) so your DP might have got a bit freaked out at the thought of having sex while the baby is 'involved' so to speak. Lots of my friends DH / DPs had a bit of a wobble about that.

Or he might be anxious about the future and being a dad, or working hard and tired or not feeling great.

It also sounds like until now you have used sex as a measure of his affection and love for you. So no sex = you doubting his feelings for you.

So I would have thought a good chat (when not in the bedroom) about missing the affection and intimacy, that you love him and if he's not feeling up for sex at the moment that's ok, but perhaps you could do more cuddling / kissing etc so you feel cares for.

Once you've reassured him that there is no pressure, you might then be able to explore how he is feeling about sex a little easier.

I think you also need to cut both of you a bit of slack. You're going through the challenges of a newish relationship and coping with a pregnancy. It won't be easy but improving your joint communication now will be very useful.

Raskova · 19/06/2014 20:57

I don't know many men who enjoy sex as much when a woman's pregnant. I rarely had sex or snuggles when pregnant.

It certainly doesn't mean he wants out or the relationship has fizzled. He just hasn't wanted sex recently. You don't have to start lone parenting strategies just yet.

Talk to him again.

chaseface · 19/06/2014 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Raskova · 19/06/2014 20:59

I agree with everything shergar says Grin

sweetlilacsinspring · 19/06/2014 21:07

My DH didn't want sex at all when I was pregnant - full eight months.

He thought the baby would feel him Hmm

ShergarAndSpies · 19/06/2014 21:26

Not a phrase I hear very often Raskova

Thanks!

SourSweets · 19/06/2014 21:38

My DH went off sex when I was pregnant aswell. He was worried about hurting me, worried about the baby, worried about things beyond the actual sex - how our life was about to change, he was going to be a father, and so on and so on. He only was able to articulate this when the baby was born because he suddenly didn't have those worries anymore and therefore wasn't ALSO worried about upsetting me with his worries.

It's a lot, realising you're about to be a parent. If he's anything like my DH it's only now, at 20 weeks that things are starting to become real for him as you're showing more, he's seen the scans and possibly found out the sex.

I wouldn't immediately think you had serious issues or that you needed to break up. I think you just need to try to understand from his side, which is easier said than done, I know.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP and good luck.

JackieBrambles · 19/06/2014 21:51

I agree with Shergar and the others, are you sure it's not the baby worrying him? I guess you are showing now so he might be worried about crushing the bump!

I had to instigate sex with my DH when I was pregnant as he was a bit worried. Plus I did get bleeding after sex when pregnant too which didn't help! (That's quite normal I think...).

Try to talk to him again, calmly, outside the bedroom.

Good luck!

Matildathecat · 19/06/2014 22:09

Golly some people on here are quick to move straight to lone parenting and LTB. Firstly I agree with Shergar, there are other reasons than falling out of love with you. Try to instigate a cuddle outside of a sexual situation. Your relationship is quite new so maybe until now intimacy always results in sex? So it's an ideal time to try the no sex cuddle. Who knows what's troubling him? Only him so try to get him talking but don't badger or pressure him because it will make it worse.

I think for men, losing sexual desire is incredibly hard and upsetting. Women are allowed off days and weeks. Men don't expect it.

Lastly, no, bleeding after sex is never normal especially in pregnancy.

Wishing you well.

JackieBrambles · 19/06/2014 22:16

I spoke to my doc about spotting after sex in pregnancy and she said it was normal due to increased blood supply to the cervix. That was second trimester though, not early on.

Sorry op, don't want to derail!