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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need some sex advice.

32 replies

Lula2515 · 19/06/2014 17:58

I don't really know what to do. I should start by saying I'm 20 weeks pregnant, so my hormones might be driving me mad.
Me and my DP have been together for just under a year and sex has dried up a bit. We last had sex 4 weeks ago. I really miss the affection and the bond. It's driving me mad.
I've tried talking to him about it, but he gets quite annoyed. Says he's tired from work or feels like he's a bit too fat. I've been sympathetic but I feel like crying. I obviously don't want to pressure him into having sex with me, but I just don't understand what's going on. He says it's nothing to do with the baby.
It's also driving me mad wondering if there's anything going on with anyone else and it makes me resent how charming and generous he is on nights out with the girls from his office.
Sorry..this is really rambly but I'm very emotional about it!

OP posts:
YellowYoYoYam · 19/06/2014 22:34

I agree with posters saying it might just be a reaction to you being pregnant. My DH didn't want to have sex as often when I was pg with DC1. He too said he was tired but I think he was stressed. I don't think he was worried about hurting the baby, I think he was worried about becoming a father and providing for a family. It went back to normal after DD was born. Things remained normal when I was pg with DS, but I think we were just a whole lot more relaxed during that pregnancy.

At the moment we are in a bit of a slump again, due to the exhaustion of parenting a 19mo and a 4mo! I guess it's normal for life to take over and affect your sex life. I think probably one of the down sides of not having been in your relationship for long (relatively speaking) is that you haven't yet learned how stress might affect your DP's sex drive. I would have a chat and try not to read too much into this, you have bigger challenges ahead of you!

Raskova · 20/06/2014 05:42

Lula, I hope you've not been scared off by the doom and gloom.

How old are you both?

lettertoherms · 20/06/2014 06:01

Early posters have been way to quick to see the worst!

I imagine he's worried about sex during pregnancy, as many men, (and women) are. The thought of the baby "in the room" so to speak can be a turn off, and that is not a reflection on you. His excuses sound like an attempt to turn the focus on himself so as not to make you feel unwanted.

Earlier than four weeks ago, I imagine you had a neat little bump that didn't interfere much - now you undeniably are carrying a baby.

Lula2515 · 20/06/2014 07:41

Thanks everyone.
Yeah, the doom and gloom did concern me a bit! I'm late 20s and he's mid 30s x

OP posts:
CanaryYellow · 20/06/2014 10:16

Has anyone who is advising her to talk to him actually read the OP’s posts?

She’s tried talking to him, several times. She’s cried in front of him, she’s that upset about this…

And his response?

He gets annoyed, calls her ridiculous and accuses her of causing problems. He says she’s hormonal and ‘over the top’ and talking about it is making it worse.

She’s given him loads of chances to say that the lack of sex is because the baby is an issue – he says it isn’t. They’ve been arguing a lot recently. According to the OP, she ‘annoys him’.

He’s out being ‘generous’ and friendly flirting with his work colleagues while his pregnant partner is at home feeling upset and unloved and he won’t talk to her about it. His behavour is leading her to wonder if there is something going on with anyone else.

All the OP’s actual words, not 'doom and gloom' and not anyone's own slant on the situation.

It's not about sex. That's a red herring.

This is not a man that wants to communicate with her.

Raskova · 20/06/2014 10:22

If he isanything like my DDs DF, he will put off saying anything like 'it's because you're pregnant' until he has to.

He is a very honest man so will always tell the truth but he knew it would hurt me so he always said 'I'm tired' wtc til I spoke to him enough times.

It's hard for men to. They have all the worries we have, yet they're not acknowledged as ours are.

kaykayblue · 20/06/2014 10:35

Oh come off it raskova - I think I understand the point you are making, but men are not children. They have a voice that they can use if they want to - if they want their worries to be acknowledged then they need to voice them! If they don't do that (as is definitely the case here) then it's ridiculous to turn around and say "oh poor thing, no-one listens to his worries". The OP has tried talking to him about this a lot, and he is utterly dismissive.

OP - you guys have been together for such an incredibly short space of time, all things considered. I hope this isn't an awkward question, but was this baby planned? That could be impacting on his behaviour. A child is probably the biggest responsibility one could have, and to be having a child with someone you've known for less than a year is a pretty big deal. Of course, people manage after one night stands, but it's not easy, and staying together "for the baby" rarely works.

It is not a good sign that he is not physically interested in you combined with the fact that he is utterly dismissive of your concerns. Crying in front of him about it is probably doing more harm than good as he will just assume that it's hormones.

You guys are young. You should be having an active sex life. If he isn't comfortable actually having p in v sex, then jesus, there are still other things you guys can be doing together to ease sexual frustration!

Whilst I don't think that you should just dump him, I do think you need to try talking to him about this seriously. You are a living breathing woman with sexual needs, and he is your partner. Of course he shouldn't be having sex with you out of obligation, but he needs to listen to what you need and work out a compromise that you are both happy with. It sounds like he is patronising you, which could be an effect of the age difference.

For me personally it sounds like he is worrying about what he is getting himself into, now that you are pregnant, it's suddenly a reality rather than a warm fluffy dream you guys (might have) talked about.

In the long term, you need to make sure that you can look after yourself and your child without him if necessary. This isn't just you - I strongly feel that all women should do this. Even in a perfect marriage a partner can get hit by a bus or die in a car crash leaving their partner on their own to raise a family (this has actually happened to someone I know when she was in her early thirties with two small children).

Knowing that you could go it alone if necessary is hugely empowering. It means that you are with your partner as a choice rather than a necessity.

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