Please tell me I did the right thing (long)

[JaneyBoo]

Been friends with this guy for a while. Mutual attraction, got on very well. Emailing me constantly for a while. We go out for a drink, sleep together, wonderful time (emotionally and physically).

He is lovely; affectionate; very compatible.

We both have a history of terrible relationships- he is pretty scarred over it. He had a habit if disappearing on me (no contact for a while) so I asked him explicitly to keep in touch.

After sex, I don't hear anything. Not a text, nothing. So I contacted him basically saying you did the one thing I asked you not to- disappeared.

I then get a very nice email and we have more back-and-forwards contact.

Then he disappears again.

So I contacted him, nicely but assertively, to say that I didn't think this would meet either of our needs and that he shouldn't contact me again.

I feel dreadful. I really liked this guy and he was lovely to me (when he could be arsed ).

I did the right thing , didn't I? But I really feel a loss; over the friendship more than anything.

???? Views???? (This has been going on for a couple of months although I have known him longer).

Lol Janey! Does that mean I can get my soul back as STBEXH left almost 2 years ago and I'm desperate!!!!!
OP - you weren't to know, when you did you knew what to do, he's an arse!

No love, that's your hole, not your soul... HTH

Hole, soul, always get them mixed up, seemingly....

Actually on a serious note, on the unlikely but possible event that he contacts me, do I ignore or respond ? (I'm not going to see him or anything).

I'd ignore, responding just gives him an opening.

(see what I did there?)

Heh. No more openings for him. :)

My soul's been right round town!

Nope, you've cut him dead. He stays dead. He will text again at some point when he's drunk and horny, so you will have to stay strong.

No more openings

Ignore!

He will only want to play out the same scenario over again.

When you say disappeared how long do you mean. Days weeks months. I'm going against everyone else but see why you can't just see him on a casual basis until somebody else more reliable comes along. Or is that too awful.

Meant can't see why.

Yeah, drunk and horny is his MO. Mine too, to be fair.

Disappears for days rather than any longer. Can't see him casually- I would lose any remaining self-respect I have. I can't see someone who leaves it days to contact me after sex. Nope. If he was a casual f@ck, fine, but we were supposed to be friends.

No, he's not treating you as a friend is he? And he isn't a ONS because, you know, he's a friend. So basically, he wants to play at being a friend to steal your soul get you into bed, which means it's all a bit game playing and dishonourable, isn't it? And the deeper you get into it, the worse it will become.

Exactly. That's why I want to get out now. It will only get worse.

yup he's a user. you did the right thing. don't worry - i don't think you could have predicted it. sorry

Hey Janey - I think you absolutely did the right thing. I had a similar(ish) experience with someone I considered a friend and it was prolonged agony which culminated in me getting pregnant and sadly miscarrying all on my own.
I clung into the fact that we were 'friends' and always tried to excuse his behaviour because to me he was my friend and someone I would have trusted with my life - right up until he got me pregnant and showed no support then or during my miscarriage.
If your not worth his efforts then he's not worth yours. Don't take any shit Miss and good on you for doing what you did! X

I'm so sorry Avarose. :( Hooe you are doing ok. I'm sorry he wasn't a real friend to you. You deserve better.

Janey, how are you holding up?

Thanks everyone. Feel pretty shit today. Thanks for asking, much appreciated. :)

Just lonely I guess and I miss him as a friend. But I guess he wasn't much of a friend anyway.

Feel....I dunno. Lost, abandoned, rejected. I know he's not worth it. It's the hope that kills you.

I PROMISE this will get easier. You're now emotionally available to find someone who treats you right.

Big hugs & really sorry it's rough.

Fucking hell. Why are some people such wankers??

Thanks both.

I suppose what bugs me is that he could have just said- I'm not interested, got a GF, whatever, and I would have been fine. Bit hurt but fine . But no, I get the silent treatment.

And ridiculously and annoyingly I keep thinking he will apologise despite me asking for no contact.

Not that I would see him- would just be nice for him to recognise he has been a dick. When there was really no need - big girl here, I can take a 'no thanks'.

Ugh, I know it will feel better soon; wish that was now though.

I mean this kindly, but OP I also think assess your judgement of what you call a friend? You've written the post as if you and the man were fairly close before.

My experience there seems to be a phenomenon of men who like to declare themselves "friends" but just want to online chat and use you as an attention boost. Were you actually getting anything out of this "friendship"?

Was he instigating quality face-to-face 1-1 time where you were out and just enjoyed each others platonic company?

If you'd contacted him with a crisis, would he actually physically have done something to help?

Or - honestly now - was he more of an e-mail/text "friend" who just shot you some online chat time every now and then, whilst reserving his real life recreation time for people he wanted to spend it with?

Cyber contact isn't really the same as a real life connection? It gives a faux sense of intimacy - as in the guy was pouring his heart out, but so what? That means nothing, just that he's offloading, not that he indicated he cared for you. It takes a couple of seconds to send/write a message.

I have a long distance male friend who is a cyber chum most of the time (England and Scotland -distance) but he suggests meets, events of mutual interest we can both attend, and when we were living in the same city we went out REGULARLY and easily - I wasn't a "girl you call at the last minute" to him.

Sorrry to sound gloomy, but when I was younger I've been where you've been - quite lonely so I'd think these guys who'd just blow up my phone/e-mail with crap "I want someone to pay me attention" messages, whilst being impossible to actually meet up with IRL were "friends".

Hope things work out for you.

Ah yes, I know what you mean.

But we were actually reasonably good face to face friends, to be fair.