He's a liar (bit long sorry)

[username1906]

Not the biggest problem in the grand scheme of things I suppose.

Backstory - we had some problems with him going off sex, preferring porn. We went to counselling, seemed to work a treat, conceived a baby. Lost the baby, both of us devastated but conceived again fairly quickly. All well this time. No sex the first trimester, the mc freaked us both out. Some sex after scans showing all was well.

Then after about 26 weeks, as I got bigger, he stopped. I'm due any day now, we had sex just the once maybe 3 months ago, once maybe a month before that. I was upset, feeling fat, unsexy, rejected, scared of the fact that we won't have sex for a long long time (goodness knows what the baby will do to my bits, my libido, our energy levels etc etc). He said that its too weird, doing it but being able to feel the baby. I said was he not frustrated, he claimed no he wasn't at all! And then made a snide comment about him dealing with it better than me. He denied getting himself off, claimed he thinks I'm beautiful.

So today, I was playing with his ipad as my laptop was out of battery - we know all each other's passwords. Imagine my surprise when looking for new hairdo ideas, I enter a hair colour as a search term and his history throws up lots of porn hits. A very cursory check shows a fair few porn visits in his history.

I am gutted. Not so much about the actual porn - I do see that sex with a massively pregnant woman might not be that appealing - but about the snide comments, the lies, the fact that he would rather get off to a skanky porn star than me. I'm so bloody sad that he made me feel crap and unreasonable. Right now I feel like if I went into labour I wouldn't even want him there, he's obviously repelled by me as it is, if he sees a baby coming out of my vagina that's it for our sex life forever.

He's at work at the moment. I don't want to argue with him about it. I don't even want to discuss it. I don't know what I want. Maybe to go back in time a few hours and charge my laptop and return to blissful ignorance.

I absolutely do not intend to LTB. But this has shaken me quite badly.

Perhaps a smart slap around the face in that case?

Your partner is a liar. He had a problem with porn before (which makes this all the worse), and has now just gone straight back to it. He lied openly and to your face. That's not a great quality to have now is it.

Is he fourteen years old? Because that's what it sounds like. He finds it "weird" to have sex with a pregnant woman (THAT IS CARRYING HIS CHILD) but perfectly normal to wank off over someone who gets paid to fake orgasms in front of a camera. This reeks of the mentality of women as either madonnas or whores.

Can I point out again that he has lied flat out to your face? He has also shown absolutely no concern over your own sexual gratification, and has openly BELITTLED you for having sexual feelings whilst he has been wanking off over filthy videos.

Whatever you do, DO NOT just sweep this under the carpet. You are not some fucking doormat. He lied to you, did wrong by you, and has acted like a complete an utter twat.

You might also want to check what sort of stuff he has been watching. I know it's difficult, but if he is watching some really awful things (which incorporate rape or girls of a questionable age) you might want to re-consider your position, as that would be indicative of something even darker. That's obviously an extreme possibility, but it's still there.

It's quite common for men to think its odd when they can feel the baby. It's not at all unusual for them to want to discontinue sex as a consequence, which of course does nothing but reinforce your feeling of being ugly and unsexy. You have to remember that we live in a society where if a bloke so much as looks at a child, he fears people will think he is a paedo, so to me, at least, the thought process in his head makes sense.
Some men like to watch porn. It's a means to an end. I bet if you asked him, he would say he turned it off straight after achieving his objective (!!) and then thought it was dirty too.
So he's lied about masturbating. I don't think that you need to worry about it, personally.

I forgot to add, you need to make a stand, tell him you know, tell him how immature he is, how disgusted you are with him and demand an explanation.

Don't cry, get angry!!!

There was nothing extreme in the history I saw, in fact it was all fairly tame as far as porn goes. If it was the real nasty shit that would be a completely different question, but its not at all.

Jamie I did bloody well ask him. He LIED to my face.

I don't have the energy to be angry right now I don't think.

Maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Lots of men and women go off sex during pregnancy, especially the latter stages. He has told you why he doesn't want it. And you can't change that as you are pregnant.

He is watching porn and probably masturbating. He lied to you about this because he doesn't want to upset you.

You might aswell tell him you saw his history. There's no point being in denial.

So its ok that he lied because "he doesn't want to hurt my feelings"??? Over an issue we've ended in counselling over in the past?? I was upset already, he chose to lie his way out of it and make out like I was the one with the problem. Fuck that.

So its ok that he lied because "he doesn't want to hurt my feelings"??? Over an issue we've ended in counselling over in the past?? I was upset already, he chose to lie his way out of it and make out like I was the one with the problem. Fuck that.

So its ok that he lied because "he doesn't want to hurt my feelings"??? Over an issue we've ended in counselling over in the past?? I was upset already, he chose to lie his way out of it and make out like I was the one with the problem. Fuck that.

"I was upset already, he chose to lie his way out of it and make out like I was the one with the problem. Fuck that."

You are smart and you know your own worth. Good.
Don't swallow the "lie to save your feelings" crap, its minimising and an insult to your intelligence. Make it about money and not porn; "I lied so you wouldn't worry about it" would he find that acceptable? Probably not.

Lies and snide comments do not a supportive partner make.
I have no experience and no useful advice I am afraid but I wanted you to know that I agree with you completely and I admire your sense of self worth.

I would be livid and personally I would tell him it's me or the porn.

Jamie1981 - maybe biology isn't your strong point, but when you have sex with a pregnant woman.....you can't see the foetus. So not at all sure where you're coming from with that.

I guess not wanting to have sex with your pregnant wife would be common. Amongst juvenile morons who see their wives as baby incubators as opposed to actual people.

It must have taken a long time to upload your comment, considering the lack of internet in the 1950's.

kaykayblue - my first husband felt very uncomfortable because he felt he was (sorry to be blunt) "shagging his own kid". He said he could feel it. That's where i am coming from with that.
I don't know what i've done to justify such a snide comment, but (i) i've worked as a marriage guidance counsellor and this has cropped up more times than you might think and (ii) i am relating personal experience. Oh....and did i mention i am a GP?
Maybe think before trotting out the vitriol next time, hmmm?

Jamie1981 - I will admit that from your name I assumed you were some bloke trying to make light of what had happened - especially with regards to your comment about "he watched porn, get over it". So I do apologise for that, but I stand by the content of my comment.

For example, I stand by my view that people who have a problem having sexual relations with their pregnant partners are not seeing their partner as a person, but as some kind of incubator. Shagging your own kid? These people do realise how biology works, right? I guess I am struggling to understand how someone could be that idiotic. Or are these guys just SOOOOOOOO big that they can pierce the uterus with their giant man swords eye roll

Even if for some reason a couple couldn't have sex during pregnancy due to complications, you can still have sexual satisfaction with each other without turning immediately to porn. And then worse, lying about it and making your partner feel like shit.

jaime1971 my DH was the same. There was a mental barrier where sex was concerned because he felf like he was violating the baby. From talking to others when I was pregnant that seemed to be a fairly common issue in our little group.

Men who make comments like "it feels like shagging my own kid" need putting out of their misery for the sake on humankind

what a fucking neanderthal

Fair enough, kaykayblue. I think we are all a bit sensitive about this because it feels like an affront to us. We expect our menfolk to be sensitive to our likes and dislikes, so we need to do the same in reverse. I have little doubt that if it was us that didn't want sex and our husbands that did, we would think we were perfectly within our rights. Why shouldn't our husbands be extended the same courtesy.
I don't mean to trivialise the porn thing, but the reality is that a relatively high percentage of men watch porn and they do not see it as a replacement for a relationship, its just something they do.

PS: A quick google of the statistics shows that somewhere around 50% of men have viewed porn in the last WEEK.

Hi Jamie1981 - no I understand that sex is never a right, but let's face it, there are lots of other ways to relieve sexual frustration with a partner that aren't just sex. And if one person was refusing sexual activity, then perhaps the other might be more justified in seeing to their own needs. But that's different to refusing anything sexual with your partner and replacing ALL sexual activity with them with porn. And then lying about it.

I know lots of people have different views on pornography, but my personal view is that it's a hugely worrying industry which perpetuates utterly sexist notions of male entitlement and objectification of women.

Yes 50% of men might watch porn, but that doesn't in itself make it acceptable. Consider the huge portion of men who sexually harrass women on the street (where I am based I would say that it is easily 50% if not more). That doesn't make it right.

Also this is all sort of outside the issue from the OP's post. This couple actually had to go to marriage counselling because of his preference for porn over his partner. So it definitely was seen as a replacement for a sexual relationship with his partner.

I guess not wanting to have sex with your pregnant wife would be common. Amongst juvenile morons who see their wives as baby incubators as opposed to actual people.

That's unfair. Male libido isn't as simple as "click your fingers, instant stiffy, now to find somewhere to insert it." When my (then) DP was pregnant I found that the worry of something going wrong with the pregnancy as a result of having sex to be immensely off-putting. Yes, rationally I knew that it was almost certainly safe and everything would be fine but it doesn't take much to pour a metaphorical bucket of cold water over your libido.

It wasn't that I saw my DP as a baby incubator; it was much more (admittedly irrational) concern over her physical health and the risk of enormous emotional damage to both of us if things had subsequently ended badly.

Of course none of this excuses this guy's lies about porn.

So he admits it, and is sorry, but there's been a shitty atmosphere between us and I feel like crap.

I feel humiliated actually. I was happily wandering around the house naked in my stretchmarked, giant nippled glory imagining that I looked good. I feel like I made a complete dick of myself, liking what my body was doing when he was imagining thin, hairless, un-stretchmarked, pert titted (fake) women. How disgusting I must seem in comparison.

How can I get over this? I will never be that (impossible) woman. How can I ever feel desired and attractive again??

I would feel the same OP :(

Honestly, I wouldn't take it as a personal rejection. It's not great but neither is it the end of the world. Men being gormless, he probably thinks it's a good temporary solution and obviously will only work if he lies. No, I wouldn't like it and would be very hurt and angry. But would probably accept an apology after a lot of tears.

Just saw your latest post, OP. Gosh, I can see how this would blow up all those horrible feelings around body image in late pregnancy. It doesn't mean he finds you unattractive as you are, just that the porn was readily available and it worked. He may have been telling the honest truth about how he feels about you.

How can I ever feel desired and attractive again??

Find another bloke that doesn't make you feel like shit ?

Agree with AF and kraykray. Sex with the person you love is just that. And if you are normal and intend to love the child, then knowing it is in the body of the woman you love is not the fucking same as 'shagging your own kid' Fucks sake, I would leave a man for that comment alone.

The porn is a deal-breaker for me, but that's me.

How can I get over this? I will never be that (impossible) woman. How can I ever feel desired and attractive again??

OP, I personally think that there is nothing more beautiful than a woman carrying their partners child. If he can't see that then he's a complete idiot!