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Relationships

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Original poster

Is your DP your best friend?

34 replies

take1take2 · 19/06/2014 08:40

And do you think he/she should be?

I've been wondering about this a lot recently, probably because in the last year or so I've been lucky enough to make the best friend I've ever had. DH and I are close and happy together and until recently I would have said without doubt that he was my best friend. He's my husband though - we love, respect and support each other but also irritate each other and go through the usual stresses of life and family.

My friend and I just clicked, it's amazing, like we've always known each other and I guess I'm a little floored by that as it's never happened to me before. I trust her to keep my secrets and I know she feels the same. The way we talk is different from the way DH and I talk.

Is this the case with lots of people and I am just coming to this female friendship thing late in life?!

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 19/06/2014 08:43

DH is not my best friend, no. I have one of those in the UK, whom I have known for 40+ years, and she is great.
I have a best friend here too, whom I have known for 4 years - I don't know that I could rely on her as heavily as I could on my UK BF though, we don't have that long a history and it's never been tested.

DH is still one of my best friends (I have a few more very close friends) but he doesn't beat my 40+ year friend.

KikitheKitKat · 19/06/2014 08:44

Yes I'd say he is my best friend but that doesn't mean I don't need female friends too, especially the oldest/best one.

Original poster

take1take2 · 19/06/2014 08:47

Thumbwitch that's a good point - we have only known each other a year or so, so not that long really, but I feel she's someone I could call at 2am, that kind of friend. I've never had one of those before. How lovely that you have had a best friend for over 40 years.

OP posts:

KikiShack · 19/06/2014 09:08

DP is mine undoubtedly. I would never have thought that a few years ago, I had female and gay male best friends, DP was 'just' DP. Then one evening very pissed lying in bed it occurred to me that at any given moment in time I'd always rather be with him than anyone else, I tell him everything, and I seek out and value his opinion above anyone else's. So I was a little horrified to realise that he clearly is my best friend!
I've chilled out enough to accept it now.
Oh and I do value and take (as much as is possible with an ebf 8mo) time apart from him either alone or with other friends, but still at any given point for that second I'd rather be with him. I think it's because we do have time apart that this is still true. I don't plan on spending every second together to test my theory.

wolfenstein · 19/06/2014 09:19

DH is my best friend. We don't have a huge circle of friends though, just people we socialise with through work/hobbies but they aren't close. I've never been close to any female friend as an adult, I don't feel the need to talk about stuff much and tend to deal with things on my own. DH and I still spend a reasonable amount of time apart, but we both tend to spend that time on our own/with family/doing hobby stuff rather than with friends.

DowntonTrout · 19/06/2014 09:25

Yes DH is my best friend.

He knows everything about me, we share all our problems, he cares about me more than anyone else, we laugh together and enjoy each other's company. Most of all, he just wants me to be happy.

I have close girlfriends too. There have been a couple of times when I, like you OP, have met someone new and become very close, very quickly. Almost a girl crush. Those friendships though have not lasted, funnily enough.

Original poster

take1take2 · 19/06/2014 09:50

Interesting responses. I hope this friendship lasts, I really do. It's still strange for me to share so much of myself with someone other than DH, but who knows me in a different way, if that makes sense?

I don't want to be with DH all the time - we definitely both need time apart! We agree on all the big issues but are quite opposite in other ways, whereas my friend and I tend to think in a similar way. I know I am very lucky to have both of these people in my life.

OP posts:

DowntonTrout · 19/06/2014 10:16

Gosh yes. I don't want to be with DH all the time either. We do loads of stuff separately, our friends aren't all intertwined either. Mostly he has his friends, I have mine, only a few couples are joint friends. We go on separate holidays quite often, plenty together too. I even lived away from him for 6 months last year, not through any problems, out of necessity, it actually made us stronger.

He is the first person I would ring with anything. But I love my girlfriends too.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/06/2014 10:23

Probably not my best friend.
My sister is my BF and I have another 2 'best' friends.
I do discuss things with the 'girls' that I wouldn't necessary talk to DP about. Probably because he couldn't give a rats arse about girlie gossip and sex talk!

Thenapoleonofcrime · 19/06/2014 10:58

No, he isn't I have a female best friend who I could turn to about anything including if my husband has upset me. It's a different relationship- the one with my husband is more intense, obviously passionate and sexual (which friendships are not), and is more up and down.My friend is a lovely steady presence in my life and would do anything for me and vice versa.

I would be a little wary of a very intense new female friendship which is similar to a relationship just because sometimes they can implode- you can also have honeymoon periods and then realise the person is just human/not so great too. If you are aware of this though, then a good friend is a valuable thing.

kaykayblue · 19/06/2014 11:08

No, I would say that my best friend is like my best friend (sorry that sounds ridiculous but not sure how else to phrase it), and my OH is a cross between best friend and family.

DramaAlpaca · 19/06/2014 11:22

Yes, DH is my best friend.

firesidechat · 19/06/2014 11:27

Yes he is (I don't really do best friends, but he is the person that I am closest to and the first person I would turn to). He was my friend before we became a couple too and I liked that about our relationship.

crispyporkbelly · 19/06/2014 11:29

No way :(

Loopylouu · 19/06/2014 11:30

I wish he was. I thought he was, but he's an arsehole and if an acquaintance talked to me the way he did, I would think they hated me.

I am so envious of those who are best friends with their dh/dw. To me a best friend is someone who you can talk to about anything, share your hopes and dreams with and be totally yourself around. To be married To that person, to be able to feel like that must be amazing.

firesidechat · 19/06/2014 11:30

We happily spend a lot of time together, but I wouldn't want to be with him 100% of the time. What would we talk about? I wouldn't want to be with anyone all the time, but I can spend more time with him than anyone else I know.

Xcountry · 19/06/2014 11:34

DH is my best friend, We have been together since I was 13 and he was 15, yes we irritate each other but we love each other, we get on and we don't, we argue and we make up. I have other friends, and close friends but none of them I trust like I do him.

He always has my back and I have his, I can call him a c**t and he can call me one too but any one else dare say it and there'd be hell to pay.
We know everything about each other and can read each other like a book.

I'd follow him to the ends of the earth and further and even after everything that's been flung at us we are as strong as ever. 15 years and 4 kids later and I am still as attracted to him as I first was when we were both in high school

TheHoundsBitch · 19/06/2014 11:39

Yes, definitely. I would rather spend time with him than anyone else, we chat about anything and everything and laugh together every day. I have always had very intense friendships in the past that were more like relationships and I don't think I have the emotional room for more than one of those at any one time, with DH I have the intense friendship plus joint responsibilities and lots of shagging! I have another best friend who I love, but she is flaky and lives a long way from me so we don't see each other very often.
I don't have many friends at all, I tend to spend time with family more than anyone although I have been spending a lot of time with a newish friend recently :) We have absolutely fuck all in common but we get on very well

crispyporkbelly · 19/06/2014 11:41

My partner lights up around his guy friends like nothing I've ever seen. I wish he was like that with me sometimes. So animated and happy.

A guy friend says its because they have no expectations of him so he's relaxed

Loopylouu · 19/06/2014 11:45

crispy mine is like that too. And around his work colleagues. He comes home full of anecdotes and stories of all the fun and laughs he's had with them during the day. With me he's not like that. He tells me he wants a break at home, so he's quiet. It's so hurtful, especially as I have no one else.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 19/06/2014 11:46

In my case, I love having female friends and my family like my mum as they like talking about different things than my husband. He is not terribly interested in my in-depth accounts of the children's school or friendship issues, or about our mutual friends and so on. He does listen and contribute, but he wouldn't want to spend a couple of hours chatting away like that- we do things like watching films, chat about our careers, laugh about our days. It's just slightly different and I'm glad to have both.

notamonkeysuncle · 19/06/2014 11:51

I'd say yes he is.
We both have good friendship grouls but he is my go to for anything and everything. I can absolutely trust anything I say stays between us and he will always go out of his way to help with any problems. I can even whinge about him to him!

crispyporkbelly · 19/06/2014 11:54

Loopy nice to know someone understands. Mine spends most of the evening/weekends on his computer. We never go to bed the same time. It's all killing the relationship. I've tried. I'm moving back to my mums in August and an ultimatums going to be made then as I can't live in a relationship feeling so lonely.

I have lovely female and male friends but I don't see them lots due to toddler ds

TalisaMaegyr · 19/06/2014 13:17

Whilst I do see your point, and I'm sorry you're so unhappy - it's not someone else's responsibility to keep you entertained... I'm a bit like this, full of beans at work, and much quieter in the evenings at home. I know my DP wishes I was a bit more 'life and soul' at home, but I'm tired at the end of a working day, and need some space. Does that make sense?

findingherfeet · 19/06/2014 13:37

Nope, he's my husband, I love him dearly but I also rely and depend on him in a way I don't anybody else, I trust him, he is the person who encourages me and supports me in pretty much everything I do. We know each other inside and out, quite literally as he recently delivered our baby boy we will care for each other as we get old/sick in a way I won't with a friend.

My best friend however is very special, we can go without talking for weeks then pick up where we left off. We talk about our families inc our husbands in a way I don't with hubs, we gossip like mad and laugh and always have fun.

I think for me they have very different roles but I'm actually relived hubs isn't my best friend as I wouldn't want to rely on him for my social life, we like different things, I value my girly time with my friends!

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