I don't even know why I'm surprised

[Avarose1234]

Don't even know why I'm starting this thread, I just need to get it off my chest...
I fell completely and utterly in love with someone I worked with even though I was engaged to someone else (not a very happy and very violent abusive 7 years long relationship) and after being friends with him for well over 18 months we started a secret "affair". After it had started I ended my engagement because I had no intentions of staying after I'd cheated and to be honest it was just the final push I needed to actually leave my fiancé.
I was over the moon that we had started this new relationship together and even though I knew he was a ladies man and I knew it was purely sexual he started taking me on dates which messed about with my head and made me start to think that maybe he saw that it could be more which then made me want more - whixh was probably part of his plan to keep control of what was going on so that I would be putty in his handS and in hindsight now I can see that he only ever contacted me when he was bored or had no one else to have sex with but I was always there because I was so deeply in love with him and his actions and words lead me to believe everytime that he did want more - only to realise after a few days that he had just led me on again, then for me hate him only for after a few days to be back in love with him. And the cycle went round and round and round. I think all of this was exacerbated by the fact that I had to see him every single day in work and that combined with keeping it a secret from everyone else was utterly soul destroying and exhausting. After a few months he stopped sleeping with me but would still text me and act the same way he always had just no sex.
So I decided best thing was to move on and start dating other people. Which I was doing until he got wind of this and drew me back in and started sleeping with me again and then no sooner had he got his claws back in and I was back under his spell that he stopped again.
Fast forward 7 months from when it all started and he hands his notice in at work and leaves which was a huge relief because I knew I was going to have to move on and it would be so much easier to move on not having to see him everyday.
He'd been gone for about a month when one night (a few weeks ago) - after a bit too much to drink - I decide it's a good idea to invite him round. I'd missed seeing him and being in his arms so much and I just needed one more night with him and was secretly hoping that maybe now we weren't working together that maybe now we could become a couple. How stupid am I because it made no difference whatsoever. Despite acting like I was the only person in the world for him that night a few days later after I text him I got a pretty off hand and dismissive reply back which I tried to brush off as him being stressed or whatever. When it got to the 2nd and 3rd ignored message I thought that is it now I'm done with you.
So I sent him a goodbye message - probably in the vein hope that he'd come rushing after me which he didn't - but then really made an effort to move on with my life.

Then a few weeks after our last night of passion together I find out I'm pregnant. F*ing brilliant. There was never any doubt it my mind that I would be keeping the baby even though i pretty much knew I'd be doing it alone which was confirmed to me by him when he said he "couldn't be arsed" and to do "whatever you want". In the following week - this last week - I started developing problems and it was confirmed on Monday that I had miscarried over the weekend. So I tell him and he hasn't got one word to say to me. Regardless of whether the baby was his, he said he was my friend and so how could he, knowing that I have been in and out of hospital, not have the decency to ask if I'm okay.
I know I'm probably setting myself up for a massive fall and people will ask why I'm even surprised at what has happened and his behaviour and attitude but I just can't believe that the world has people who can sink so low as to be the way he has been. Please if anyone has anything to say be my guest. Berate at will...

You know he's bad news. I'm sorry you miscarried. Be nice to yourself, it's a traumatic and upsetting loss. The one good thing from this is though that you don't need any further contact with this man. Make a clean break. You'll be fine without him, really. Take care. Good luck.

Thank you x

I'm so sorry for your miscarriage Ava. How are you feeling now, physically and emotionally?

I look back on so many people now and I see that they were just moving through my life. Try, if you can, to keep your sadness at the miscarriage separate from the idea of him. Before the pregnancy, you resolved to move on with your life. You can do that again now, but carrying this experience with you. That is part of you now, but he is not.

Im sorry for your loss, regardless of the circumstances surrounding it, it must still be hard. So big hugs.

The good news is your free from 2 terrible men, your ex fiancee and the ladies man! You have learnt and lived that some people are just absolute dicks, and hopefully the next man in your life is a polar opposite to both these men.

Take time to heal, to grieve. It will all be fine

Hey rooty - I'm still in quite a lot of pain even though I'm on codeine and paracetamol. Emotionally I'm not sure because I didn't have that much time from finding out I was pregnant to then start having problems. When I did find out I was beyond thrilled because I'd spent years with my ex fiancé trying to have a baby with no success and we were at the point of starting fertility investigation when we spilt up.
Just everything about this whole situation has been negative, I had to move out of my flat and back in with my dad because he had moved near me a few months ago and I couldn't face seeing him in the street and having a to do with him over the baby and I couldn't cope with being on my own and being in pain and I needed some support.
I just can't believe that there's people out there who are like that. I knew he was a bad guy for playing mind games and the such but his behaviour over my pregnancy and miscarriage has taken it to a whole other level

God, he really was a player wasn't he. Poor you. When you think your in love its very hard to think clearly. Others can see what is happening but not you. You can now see him for what he is. So sorry you miscarried.

Thanks x

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

My guess would be that he thinks you made it up to get his attention - firstly the pregnancy and then the miscarriage. All you can do is look after yourself and try to put him out of your mind once and for all.

So sorry for all you've been through. I hope you find someone more worthy next time. Maybe it would be worth considering some counselling, after two unhealthy relationships.

I suspect he'll think you got pregnant deliberately and that he's best off being NC. It might not seem like it just now but in the long run it's better for you too. He is not capable of giving you support and if he had come running it would just prolong your pain from all the fuckwittery.

Or what Casa said. It could easily look like you made up both things to draw him in again.

He sounds horrible and you certainly don't deserve that. In fact it doesn't sound like you have had much luck with relationships and you are worth so much more than that.
It would be good if you could build up your self-esteem so that when you are ready you can find someone who will appreciate you.
I am so sorry for your loss. Look after yourself and don't be hard on yourself.

I'm sorry you miscarried - with regards to everything else, I have the T shirt still saying "mug" on it.
But time does heal and you are free to make fresh start. He will alwAys be with you , though, as part of your past .

I hope you can steer yourself to a good man who offers both love and sex but no mind games in the future . There are some out there !

Well I thought that he might think that but I all I did was have to text him to tell him I was pregnant - at his request because he was too busy to see me face to face - and then I didn't contact him again except to tell him I had miscarried. I don't really care what he thinks anyway because he has shown his true colours as a complete and utter scumbag.

he said he was my friend He certainly wasn't.

I am sorry about your mc, I hope you heal, would you consider counselling? Just thinking you must have been through such a range of emotions and you may not quite know what they are until you can talk aloud to someone unjudgmental.

Not saying you should care. You are well rid.

I don't know if I would consider counselling, I don't want to keep prolonging the agony of the miscarriage - which is a bit ridiculous anyway as I have to keep going back to the hospital every 48 hours until my hcg levels are under 5 which is again just brilliant and is a constant reminder of something I want to forget.

Hey Waff - that wasn't meant to sound sarky at all towards you, it was aimed soley at him. just can't bare the thought of this horrible man being out there thinking or even daring to tell someone that I had made up this ridiculous horrendous week that I've been through. Honestly any sarkiness was not aimed at you x

No offence taken.

Re counselling I'm thinking of it more from the point of view that you've had two arseholes in a row. Might be bad luck, might be there is something that needs addressing.

oh, two arseholes in a row, that's not a nice image.

Sorry for your loss.

Reading your post back, can you identify where you could have spotted his shitty behaviour and done something to stop it? When it was clear he was using you for sex, perhaps you could have ended it then, if you knew you wanted more? Not trying to be harsh but some people will walk all over you if you let them.

My love, you've been through so much. But it'll be better now, you're free of 2 very unpleasant people, and won't have any life long links to the last one.

In time you'll see this is a good thing. Let me tell you, a child is the most loved being in our lives and to saddle them with a shitty man for a father when they deserve so much better is the most single heartbreaking thing there is.

When you have recovered from the MC, please make it your mission in life to protect yourself from future dysfunctional/abusive relationships by doing The Freedom Programme.

Keep talking to us here, and bit by bit you'll be better able to understand your feelings and deal with them.

Counselling won't bang on about things you don'twant to face, it deals with issues you have and gently looks at your thoughts and feelings in a safe and manageable way. It's always an option. Remember that?

Wishing you well, thinking of you!

I'm not 'berating', I'm empathising. I think you've suffered enough and you now need to be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry that you have been in these situations. Although on the bright side - if nothing else - this sleazy bastard provide the catalyst you needed to break up with your abusive ex. That's a really good thing.

I hate to be the one to say this, but considering how you would chase him around, he might think that you lied about the pregnancy as a way to get him back, and then subsequently lied about having a miscarriage when he said he didn't care.

I know it's hideous, but that's how the heads of some of these arseholes works.

You know this man is not exactly a keeper, and at least, despite the heartbreak, you now have no reason whatsoever to keep in contact with him.

I know I think it's the fact I believed in him and his lies for so long that makes it hard to come to terms with all of the time and effort I put in. Don't get me wrong I never chased after him but if he came aknocking I would drop everything and go running to him. A few times dates were arranged by me but in general he was the one initiating them and I just I guess waited obediently and didn't date anyone else whilst I was waiting for him to snap his fingers for me to come running back. It's all so stupid and pathetic now looking back.
I just really cannot bear the thought that after the horrendous week I've had with being in and out of hospital, that he could excuse himself of normal behaviour because he thinks I made it up