DH refuses to talk about money or make any financial plans -- Anyone have the same problem?

[williaminajetfighter]

My DH is 51 and I am going bonkers trying to have a discussion with him about £ or financial planning. I look after most of the finances, bills and put my money into pensions and savings for our 2 daughters. I do this out of necessity because he won't manage or track money because it is 'a drag' and 'tedious'.

I have tried to have conversations about cost of living, pension savings (what we need to put in and how much we need to retire) and he just shuts down then yells at me. The worst is when I talk about the need for us to put away savings for DD's college/Uni and again he just shrugs. It is like dealing with a petulant child.

Not surprisingly I'm the one who puts £ into a pension and savings. He doesn't and never has because he thinks 'he probably won't make it to 65'. Argh.

There are two issues here obviously - unwillingness to talk about £ and unwillingness to plan for the future. I am getting increasingly pissed off that I am going to have to plan all this myself then carry him into retirement as he has no savings. My parents are also planning to leave me a significant sum which he is aware iof so I feel he's relying on me for £. That is if he's even thinking about it at all.

It's causing me a lot of stress and frustration. Anyone else have a petulant DP who puts his head in the sand when it comes to £? if so did you have any luck getting him engaged?

(Ps I was going to out this on the money thread but it's a relationship issue too)

Well it looks like it doesn't matter what you do he's not going to discuss it. I expect your DH doesn't want to discuss it because he doesn't want to have to cut down his current expenditure for boring things like savings and pensions. So you have two options put up with the situation as it is or explain that if he refuses to discuss it you're leaving.

Personally I couldn't feel secure in a relationship where the finances were entirely down to me. How selfish of him to expect you to fund his retirement. He might not be a cocklodger at the moment but he's planning on being one in his old age.

Anomaly.. You made me laugh! Cocklodger? I love it.

I think his attitude comes from growing up in serious austerity and he developed his attitude that if you have it then you spend it... You can't take it with you yadda yadda. Frustratingly other people grow up in similar environments and are exceptionally frugal and excel at saving and planning.

It's just all too grown up for him I fear. Isn't it enough that he works full time? (That is a quote from him...)

What makes poverty hard isn't so much the lack of certain things but the terrible shame and anxiety it brings. The way it breaks families apart.

It's really common for people who grew up in poverty to feel that money is like the weather or something--it comes and goes, no use trying to control it.

There's probably a lot of shame and fear and grief associated with money too. He probably saw his parents fighting and crying about it.

At least, that's how it is for me. For a long time I buried my head in the sand about money. Not profligate, but just sort of kept all my paycheck in the joint account and tried to live cheaply, that's it. My husband gently encouraged me to open a pension and when I saw the savings grow I turned around. I have a small pot of savings now and some investments.

Yet still each time I sit down with the bills I get this surge of anxiety!

If I were in your shoes I would first try a gentle approach with your husband, and a baby step of putting a little money each week, maybe reading about savings plans and how much the interest can earn over the years.

On re-reading: but he shouldn't be yelling at you. That's inexcusable.

Thx Matilda. I have tried the gentle approach and it's not working. He gets v v aggressive when the topic of money comes up. So yells at me and calls me a killjoy.

Your description of growing up is v interesting. His parents didn't save or plan nor did any of his siblings go to university. As a consequence he's just not used to discussions of this nature. But he could certainly try.

It's all pretty inexcusable. I would love a nice civilized conversation about money but sadly I'm just going to have to masterplan myself ensuring my DCs are ok.

My worst fear is that we will seperate, he will be destitute in his old age and my daughters will have to look after him/pay for him. What a nightmare.

Different situation but dh will not discuss finances. Same as you, he'll get aggressive, defensive, accusatory. It is terrible. Tried the soft approach and worked to a certain extent but so draining and long and painful and degrading. Would do it again mind if he let me. But things have gotten worse.

He does not take the matter on hand because hates paperwork but his money are his so cannot do anything with them.

No plan for future.

I hate it. It is breaking the rel, amongst other things.

Oh dear. I don't know what to say. 51 is getting kind of old for that.

What ifjust an ideayou two went to see a financial advisor to sort out your retirement plan? (You probably don't really need it, but just suppose.) With a third party there your husband might stop flying off the handle and actually just dig into the figures.

I'm sorry. I hope you find a solution.

I second what matildasq said.

Sorry to hear that Cinderella. It really is draining isn't it! How have you left things? Do you deal with all the bills, savings etc?

Matilda that is good advice but I know he would bark at the advisor and say stuff like 'I might as well kill myself'. Really.

The frustrating thing is my dad is so good at planning, saving and investing so this is 100% different from what I grew up with. Sigh. I just want a husband like my dad! :(

I know he would bark at the advisor and say stuff like 'I might as well kill myself'.

Ugh. I'm sorry. That's nonsense.

Yup it's crazy. He says things like 'I'm just going to commit a crime at 65 and go to jail.' I am certain he is banking on my planned inheritance to keep us going. But I keep telling him that nothing is guaranteed and we must plan our own financial future.

I think the problem is I'm with a boy-man who won't grow up. That's why he would rather spend his last money on a new tattoo vs out beautiful daughters college fund.

Completely emphasise with your situation but I'm a little bit younger. My dh refuses to change or accept responsibility. So little by little, I've decided to change tack.

My dh earns a lot but spends a lot. I work and save regularly into a pension. I save 20% of my salary monthly into a pension with long term view of it catering for both of us in our retirement.

Meanwhile, I've learnt to ask more of dh's money for everyday expenditure and household bills. My dh lives for here and now and happy to give me money for the living costs. Ask him to save, and he'd laugh. Again I do agree it has a lot to do with his upbringing and attitudes to money.

I live for security and more happy to save.

Could you come to a similar kind of arrangement?

Funny you mention your dad. Mine was also very careful, waaaay to careful and obsessed but yes I am used to more planning than not even opening bank statements.

I deal with everything in that I open the mail and pay most things, except the few that I managed to arrange as direct debit from his account.

We have no joint account. I cannot save because as I said I pay everything. Dh also thinks that talking of thinking about reducing say takeaways etc is equivalent of a miserable life.

I feel completely out of control. The fact that I was not working for a good few years (no pension, no N.I) didn't help.

Not sure what will happen at this point.

No helpful advice to give unfortunately.

My ex DH. It's the reason I left him. While married, and after I gave up my well paid job to SAHM (incredibly hands off father) he refused to allow me access to our money or allow me to have any say in how it was spent. On numerous occasions (at one point I knew we had enough to buy a house outright due to a windfall he couldn't keep secret) I begged him to put our money into a family home for us. He would make all the right noises, visit a few, and then make excuses. We split 2 and a half years ago, and he has dragged out the financial settlement due to continual non disclosure. We are now very shortly coming up to final hearing.

However, 2 months ago and with no reference to me, he "lost" our business. He lost it as a result of giving himself a six figure directors loan. He tells me there is nothing left. He has spent it. Unfortunately I can believe it

He has not put one penny of that loan, or the 1 million plus he has either been paid or paid himself over the last ten years, into a pension, savings, children's trust funds, property, life insurance. Not one penny. Because he "probably won't live that long" apparently, and he couldn't care less if there's nothing available when he's dead, because it's not like he'll be able to spend it

We live in the SE. The property market is now insane. If we had bought property when I begged him to we would have doubled what we paid by now.

He's now 50. Our children are both under 10. There is NOTHING left from our marriage as he has spent every penny we have ever had. He's now considering bankruptcy. There is NOTHING for me and the children, and as he has dragged out financial proceedings as long as possible and I've had to self finance, I am now considerably in debt.

Words cannot describe how he has thoroughly shafted our family

Thx Precious and Cinderella.

The advice about taking more £ from hhld costs and putting them towards savings is a good one. We do have a joint account and he puts 45% of his income in there to foot the bills (we split them 5050). What he does with the other 55% who knows. But I could tell him our expenses are going up and use that. However it's a bit Mumsy for me to sort out his pension!

Wilkos I am so so sorry. What a horrible tale. I hope you are ok and that the settlement will be enough to get you out of debt and allow you to move on.it baffles me that men of a certain age can be in leadership roles at work but completely useless in other ways.

Yes it baffles me too. However a high position at works comes with PAs and a lot of other people that deal with the things one wants to avoid.

Wilkos I have no words ... So so sorry. How utterly unfair. Hope something good comes out of it for you.

William A friend does divide the finances this way. Both salaries go to a joint account from which all bills, pension etc are paid. Some gets transferred into a joint saving and the rest split into two for whatever each spouse wants to do. For me that is the most fair way.

Honestly OP, if you care about your future you would be well-advised to suggest to your parents that whatever they leave you should be put into some form of a trust for you and your children. That way, should you ever separate at some point your husband won't have access to it.

I find his attitude very, very worrying. Both the not wanting to discuss finances or planning but the shouting as well.

Cinderella - sadly I think money matters fall under women's work along with most domestic chores and anything to do with children or school. I don't mind sorting money stuff for me and DCs but not for a grown man.

I think this is just one of many problems with our relationship. If you're starting to think about how you can cover your assets in the event of divorce (we have 2 houses and I own both) then you know it's coming to an end....

I agree it is not a great place. Hopefully he'll see some sense.

My opinion is this, theoretically both pertners should take an interest in the family finances however I know of couples where one half really cannot be bothered and so leaves the planning and arranging to the other. What I do not understand is the lack of care but the willingness to maintain control. Slavery that is how I call it.

I have no advice and can only sympathize. My DH is similar, wouldn't sort out life insurance or wills or pensions or Uni saving funds etc... I have had to do it all and put in front of him to sign. He couldn't even do it for his DC from first marriage, I've sorted that too and do the maintenance and pocket money FFS. It makes me furious!!! We've just bought another house so thought he should top up his insurance for that. Has he done it? Has he bollocks!! I know nothing about investing and pensions so am very anxious we will have a shitty retirement and he'll blame it on me. He just says don't worry, it'll all work out, he reckons he'll just keep working. Sigh.

Cinderella - slavery indeed!

Her Royal - it's so frustrating isn't it? I think the only thing that would wake men like that up is seeing a peer or a parent going through a difficult time financially.

I have friends whose parents lost all their pension (due to company misappropriating the funds) and once you see something like that you sort out your own finances good and proper....

Ha I wish! His DP wanted to sell their house to have money in the bank so we bought it! His DM was spending willy nilly for a bit until she realized it actually wasn't that much money and it was disappearing. I guess at least we'll have a property and hopefully will have a little rent money to live off.

His DB is even worse, always spending what he doesn't have, remortgaging and borrowing off the bank of M&D. My DB is halt even if he doesn't have 2p to rub together. DF keeps his cash under the mattress and DM was just spend, spend, spend. No wonder I'm clueless about investing!

Halt = happy