DH refuses to talk about money or make any financial plans -- Anyone have the same problem?

[williaminajetfighter]

My DH is 51 and I am going bonkers trying to have a discussion with him about £ or financial planning. I look after most of the finances, bills and put my money into pensions and savings for our 2 daughters. I do this out of necessity because he won't manage or track money because it is 'a drag' and 'tedious'.

I have tried to have conversations about cost of living, pension savings (what we need to put in and how much we need to retire) and he just shuts down then yells at me. The worst is when I talk about the need for us to put away savings for DD's college/Uni and again he just shrugs. It is like dealing with a petulant child.

Not surprisingly I'm the one who puts £ into a pension and savings. He doesn't and never has because he thinks 'he probably won't make it to 65'. Argh.

There are two issues here obviously - unwillingness to talk about £ and unwillingness to plan for the future. I am getting increasingly pissed off that I am going to have to plan all this myself then carry him into retirement as he has no savings. My parents are also planning to leave me a significant sum which he is aware iof so I feel he's relying on me for £. That is if he's even thinking about it at all.

It's causing me a lot of stress and frustration. Anyone else have a petulant DP who puts his head in the sand when it comes to £? if so did you have any luck getting him engaged?

(Ps I was going to out this on the money thread but it's a relationship issue too)

I would make it automatic so the money comes out of the account as soon as it is paid in. Have it go to a different bank (I would suggest an ISA) so you don't see the balance grow. After a year you will be shocked at how much is in there.

I opened a savings account with DH when we got engaged and moved in together. In a year we saved over $70k by making it automatic. I set up our account so money from our current account at the end of the month swept into the savings account plus we had auto depsoits into the savings accounts directly from our employers. You spend as much as you have. I don't worry so much about the investing. The big challenge for me was saving the money in the first place.

want that's incredible!! I have stashed a lot away for the DC and am just starting to build up my ISA again, although I owe the DC their Uni fund, we had to raid that for a house deposit.

It's the grind of being solely responsible for it that gets me down, and I think if he doesn't care, why should I? I'll just buy those nice shoes instead. Then I feel shit.

Williamina, I'm not quite understanding whether he's spending too much too. Is that part of the problem?

.... I think this is just one of many problems with our relationship. (My emphasis.) If you're starting to think about how you can cover your assets in the event of divorce (we have 2 houses and I own both) then you know it's coming to an end....

It's arrant selfishness and not least because you have two DDs and are looking to help them with eg university. He's leaving the responsibility for everything financial to you and assuming he'll be bailed out by you or 'someone' in the event of problems.

Is he this selfish in other ways? If so, I think I would be looking at ways to safeguard my own position and that of the kids. I'm sorry but I reckon your relationship is probably not a good one and may not last. Are you prepared to be, say, 65 and still living with a man-child for whom you have total financial responsibility but little or no income generating capacity?

Matilda...he doesn't overspend now just refuses to talk about money. Up to recently he had no idea where his money went and I paid for almost everything in the house (I know). We finally agreed to put money each month into a joint fund so we could contribute evenly. That was a watershed moment.

He is now more frugal because he has less disposable income each month but he refuses to talk about debt mgmt (together we are about 10k in debt which he thinks is normal) and refuses to talk about planning. Like he will yell and shut down. He won't even look at a screen with my money tracking (I use ynab a budgeting took) nor will he actually talk numbers. When I tell him how much interest he's paying on his credit card (50% APR!) he gets angry and me telling him to move to a lower rate card is just 'nagging.'

He only last year starting putting money into a pension. At 50. Before then he just didn't bother. At the moment his pension is worth something like 200 pounds per year at retirement. I'm not really interested in paying for his retirement.

I hate meshing my finances with his and can't stand that he won't take responsibility. Urgh.

...budgeting tool not took...

Cozie. Thx for your post. I agree with you - the future with a penniliness manboy doesn't sound very fun! I particularly don't want him being a burden on my daughters.

I don't think he is a gold digger per se but I do think he thinks his future will be sorted if he stays with me as my dad has put a large sum (7 figures) in a trust for me and again for our 2 DDs. (Thanks dad!)

Even if there was no money at the end of the rainbow though he'd still be just as screwed up and carefree about planning for the future.

I'm afraid that as you're married, your finances are currently meshed of course ie if you divorce, you'll likely have to give him half of the pension you've saved until the date of the divorce. That's why I would take action to clarify things now if you need to - and certainly before you might get any inheritance. Stem the obligation.

Yes, agree with cozietosie - IF you're thinking of ending the marriage, do it soon - before any potential inheritance actually comes your way. I sound hard hearted, yes, but I'm being practical. Sorry.

Hi cozie. We are not married bit have been living together for 9
Years so probably the same situation re assets. I despair. I can only hope that he doesn't have the legal savvy to understand what he could go after. Sadly I think he might pay attention when it comes to what HE might get.

Thx grandma. Best to be practical really. Better than putting my head in the sand!

If you are not married he has no rights over anything that is yours. I would just make sure you stay un-married then!

Thx disco. I probably need to sept up on family/divorce law. Just hasn't been top of mind!

That was supposed to be 'swot up' not 'sept up'!!!

Get a lawyer or at least proper legal advice. However if you are in England I believe there is little of your money/assets he could go after. But make sure you have good records of what he has and hasn't paid for.
Also start to educate your DDs in tough love and standing up for themselves - so they can say No if he comes after their money when they are older.

Oh god mummy. It's the thought of hem having to hand out money to him, pay for his old age etc that kills me.

I don't know why that doesn't motivate him to sort out his finances because surely the humiliation in having that happen plus wanting to protect his daughters is motivation enough.

No one wants a loser dad.

maybe he is right though? maybe he wont live long into retirement? my dad has a huuuuge pension. guess what? terminal cancer at 67. wish he'd just lived in the here and now tbh. noone starves in this country, even if they dont live well on a pension
i'd be looking into life insurance if he is so adamant he wont live past his 60s

Sanfairy. He doesn't have insurance either. But I would suggest that there is a lot of poverty and will be a lot more when the govt runs out of money to pay for the people who made no provision for their old age.

He already has a bit of an attitude that he state will provide as it did through much of his childhood. Don't want to keep that belief going...

Sorry - I had thought you were married. I'd still take some legal advice on all of your positions though.

Best of luck.

DH grew up poor where money was never discussed while my father ran his own business so finance was something talked about a lot, probably too much. When I first met DH he refused to talk about money and if I mentioned the word budget he would have run a mile.

I really think the best way to manage a boy who isn't responsible with money is to not give them any. I don't feel guilty at all nor do I waste my money on things like shoes or alcohol. Heck I turned 34 this year and we are comfortable financially in part because I took control of the finances and DH does earn more than average. If we continue at the rate we have been saving we will have at least $100k a year for our retirement in todays money, not adjusted for inflation. It sounds a lot but here in the US you pay for your medical insurance so really it's more like $40-50k a year. Our DC will have their university paid for. DD will be 3 next month and her college savings account is at $22k. It is $200k to go to a private college.

OP - it is frustrating and you need to figure out if you can have someone in your life who isn't fully intimate with you. For me, being married to DH means we are intimate in a physical, mental and financial way. Poor finances is a sure way to ruin any relationship. If you want to get life insurance get term insurance. It is so much cheaper than whole life.

Why don, t you know where 55% of his wage goes?

I couldn,t live with someone who starts shouting every time a difficult subject comes up...
Can, t be easy for DC either.

I think he won, t talk about it cos at the back of his mind he knows there, s a trust fund in the pipeline..
Please do make arrangements to ringfence it.

Thx Wanttobe. Some good advice and food for thought.

And I agree IFlyaway. That's why I'm feeling so pissed off and used.

Yup have same issue and h won't talk about money but I know he;s in huge debt (credit cards) - and being charged £10 per day for unauthorised overdraft on bank - he's not dealing with it. He won't talk to me about it and he has no idea what I know. I also feel it's the tip of an iceberg.

None of it has gone on our ds - that I do know.

....I don't know why that doesn't motivate him to sort out his finances because surely the humiliation in having that happen plus wanting to protect his daughters is motivation enough......

People rationalize their actions. I could probably write six for you without even taxing my imagination unduly.