Am I right to be mad?

[Nostromo]

Tonight, our DD started having a right go at her Dad, telling him that he did nothing for her, that he was horrible, the worst dad ever, etc, etc. her rant went on for ever and we've learnt to let her get it out of her system, because you can't reason with her, or explain that what she is saying is rude and hurtful. She doesn't understand because she has Aspergers.

Hubby disappeared upstairs, which is where he usually goes for his sulks, always to our bedroom and gets into bed and will usually sleep away the rest of the day.

However, DD came to me and apologised for what shed said and this was a huge pivotal moment! She never apologises, she's never understood that other people have feelings too, so for her to say sorry was an astonishing moment. I told her that she should go and say it to her Dad and I heard her go upstairs and enter our room.

She wasn't in there long, so I went up just now and asked hubby if she'd said anything to him. He said she'd told him sorry.

I asked and what did you say? Hoping that as the adult, he would have accepted the apology and recognised he moment for what it was.

He said he didn't say anything! He ignored her! So she walked away without getting anything from him.

Now I'm furious! Why didn't he act like an adult and accept the apology no matter how bad he was smarting? I tried reasoning with him and explained why he ought to have said something but he just said, "well, you're wrong" and turned his back on me and went back to sleep.

Sometimes I really don't like him. But now I'm wondering whether I'm right to be mad?

Yes, you're right.

You first and final mistake was;

Assuming a man in tantrum mode would behave like a adult.

However no your are not in the wrong to be angry with him.

Thank you.

Good to know!

I don't know if he should have accepted an apology.

However, he should have talked to her instead of acting like another child.
He is the adult and the parent, and he should have talked to her to explain to her why he accepted or not her apology.
From the little I know of Aspergers and ASDs, it is necessary to explain all the social nuances and how people react.
He should have at least told her that he was too hurt to accept the apology then, or that he'd talk to her later.

His reaction, or lack of it, would make me go 'Aaaaargh!' What a crying shame he couldn't recognise his daughter apologising for the first time ever. And not giving her any positive feedback so she sees what a good response she could get from apologising.

As I said, 'Aaaaargh'!

Yes you are right to be angry. Have you explained to him why you'd feel that way ?

fwiw it's not a purely male trait boudicca, my wife is usually the lesser understanding of us when it comes to this sort of thing.

Surely he understands how rare an apology from a child with aspergers is

I think you have ever right to be angry. He should know, as well as you do, about aspergers & the things that come with it (ie lack of apologies)!

Perhaps he shouldn't just accept the apology so willing maybe but he should of acknowledged her & tried to calmly talk to her about why he was upset. He's supposed to be an adult. Setting an example to his child/ren. If anything, he's probably made her less likely to apologise in the future for any outbursts she may have.

(Before you had even got to the ignoring part I was a little bit ' ' at the fact that a grown man sulks in his bedroom & sleeps away the rest of the day - a little bit of late maturing needs to be done, I think!)

Thanks all. I did go to our daughter and tell her that I thought it was a nice thing to say sorry and that saying sorry is a big thing, but that her father was probably still upset from all the horrible things that were said. But I should not have had to say this, he should have.
She was in her room, completely bewildered and quite down and though I'm not excusing her outburst, I still feel that he ought to have behaved better.

Yes he is a big man-child sometimes and really gets on my nerves at times like these, yet he can't understand why I'm still mad.

I do think you need to make it clear to her, Aspergers or not, that ranting at people and saying unkind things is unacceptable. I wonder how she will learn this if you just let her "get on with it".

Believe me, Oakmaiden, that I haven't always just let her get on with it. I've always challenged it, always told her that she's hurting people's feelings, but it's like she doesn't hear what I'm saying, she just carries on ranting about her feelings and how she's hurt and she's upset. It's almost like I haven't spoken at all.

Now, in an effort to alleviate the stress of trying to reason with her, we allow her the rant so she can get it out of her system and then talk to her calmly afterward when she's more receptive to hearing what I say.

I understand there is always a back story and that you can't put all the details in your post.

How old is your daughter?

I think you could use it as an opportunity to talk to your daughter and explain that it is always always right to apologise when you have said bad things, but just because you apologise, doesn't mean that the other person will forgive you immediately. Some people need a bit of time before they can forgive what you did.

It sounds like she said some absolutely horrific things. I'm not surprised he couldn't forgive her straight away. I know his reaction was childish, but it is understandable.

Hopefully after a bit of time, he will forgive her and it will be a good way forwards.

It's actually a good lesson for your daughter perhaps that an apology doesn't automatically equate forgiveness?

Hmm! yes, I see what you're saying.

My daughter is 11. Hubby spoke to her this morning and apparently they're friends again, though dd seemed confused as to what he was talking about. A nights sleep always seems to wipe the slate clean for her.

i think its up to him whether he accepts the apology actually. Not you, and you have no right to now berate have a go at him as well as letting your daughter 'get on with' completely ripping him to shreds.

Aspergers doesnt mean sonwone gets to be rude with no comeback, nor just have it made better with a half arsed apology.

you are not right to be mad. You need to be a united front here and not a couple of wimps

at 11, youre gonba have a hell of a time when shes adult sized.

branleuse do you know anything about asd, aspergers????

Branleuse - she knows this and not did she give a "half arsed apology". It was a heartfelt apology and she really appeared to mean it and understand - for the first time ever - that what she did was wrong, which was a huge step forward for her.

Neither are we wimps and if you had spent any time with our daughter at all, you would know how polite and well behaved she normally is. Occasionally, she has rants, where all her anger and frustration at not being able to communicate properly, explodes and in these moments, it is nigh on impossible to stop her. She does not get physical. This is purely verbal and is an outpouring of all her exasperation, which we all have moments of.

My concern, was that my husband could have handled her apology better, considering that she has never ever made one before. That even though he was upset at being the victim of her verbal abuse, he should have swallowed down the obvious sulk that he was having and accepted the apology.

Aspergers is a difficult condition. I have an 11 year old child, who is almost adult sized, but still has the maturity of someone much younger. Her intelligence is off the charts and yet she has a speech delay. She gets frustrated some times. Everyone does. Her outburst was wrong and she knows it and has apologised for it. (A part I'm still mightily proud of her for)

davidsotherhalf, both of my sons have ASD,

I do appreciate its hard, but your husband made up with your daughter in the end, but he was perfectly within his rights to not accept an immediate apology, and if my son screamed and shouted at me, and i was still pissed off about it, i really would not be impressed with a second earbashing from my partner

i also dont understand why she apologised to you, and then only to him when you told her to

He was within his rights to not accept the apology, but he didn't need to ignore her. That was rude and childish on his part. Hardly modelling appropriate behaviour. He could simply have told her he was still upset but that he would discuss it with her tomorrow.

parents are people, not just modelers of perfect appropriate behaviour. He could have done that, but his reaction was human. Sometimes when your kids act like shits to you, then it bloody hurts to the core. OP said her rant lasted ages and tbh it sounds pretty horrible.

The question am i right to be mad at my husband, after hed just been verbally ripped to shreds by their child and didnt have a perfect response afterwards?? No, i think you and your husband need to support each other here and not let your daughter rip into either of you like that

Nobody expects him to be perfect. His reaction was not "human" it was childish. When someone makes an effort to apologise, most people will not just ignore them. Even if they're not ready to forgive, it's generally considered civil to acknowledge their presence and say something - even it's just to say they're not ready to forgive yet, but will speak to them another time. I stand by the opinion that ignoring his own child's apology is rude and childish. The OP had every right to be annoyed at how he acted.

but not annoyed at her daughter. actually proud of her.

wheres the united front?