Am I right to be mad?

[Nostromo]

Tonight, our DD started having a right go at her Dad, telling him that he did nothing for her, that he was horrible, the worst dad ever, etc, etc. her rant went on for ever and we've learnt to let her get it out of her system, because you can't reason with her, or explain that what she is saying is rude and hurtful. She doesn't understand because she has Aspergers.

Hubby disappeared upstairs, which is where he usually goes for his sulks, always to our bedroom and gets into bed and will usually sleep away the rest of the day.

However, DD came to me and apologised for what shed said and this was a huge pivotal moment! She never apologises, she's never understood that other people have feelings too, so for her to say sorry was an astonishing moment. I told her that she should go and say it to her Dad and I heard her go upstairs and enter our room.

She wasn't in there long, so I went up just now and asked hubby if she'd said anything to him. He said she'd told him sorry.

I asked and what did you say? Hoping that as the adult, he would have accepted the apology and recognised he moment for what it was.

He said he didn't say anything! He ignored her! So she walked away without getting anything from him.

Now I'm furious! Why didn't he act like an adult and accept the apology no matter how bad he was smarting? I tried reasoning with him and explained why he ought to have said something but he just said, "well, you're wrong" and turned his back on me and went back to sleep.

Sometimes I really don't like him. But now I'm wondering whether I'm right to be mad?

I didn't say the daughter acted appropriately. I said the father didn't. Two completely separate issues IMO.

if the father had lashed out at the daughter. screamed back, hit her when she launched her tirade of abuse, then yes, innapropriate and not helpful.

As it was, he took it, took himself off, and wasnt particularly receptive to apologies until the next day when he calmed down and they all made friends again.

I dont see why anyone is angry at him. Hes been had a go at twice.

Well, in your house, perhaps ignoring your child's apology is considered okay. It's not in my house. I expect people to be civil, regardless of someone else's behaviour. Each to his own, I guess.

in my house, i would have told my child that while its good that she apologised, that she had really hurt her dad by screaming abuse at him and that he obviously wasnt ready to talk yet.

Apologies do not make things right.

the DD didn't apologise to the OP's DH of her own will, she was told to by the OP.

Seems to me that all the DD has learnt from this is that she can give her Dad grief apologise to her mum and then dad will get it in the neck from her mum.

sounds like noone much respects the guy

Branleuse, In your house would your husband/partner whatever, with you having ASD kids not take the abuse differently and the apology ? by which I mean, understand where it was coming from and why ?

I can understanf him behaving like that if it was a standard routine, the slagging off then the apology but he should've realised the difference with the apology and where it came from, could've really built on it but it seems like an opportunity lost.

"take the abuse differently"

Whatever the abuse is and whoever it comes from is going to hurt, If this happens on a regular basis the hurt will get deeper.

The DH isn't wrong in that he needs to find his own space to get over the abuse and calm down.

The DD also needs to realise that not everybody is in a place after being abused that they will accept an apology straight away. (especially one that they have been told to give)

Thank you for all your comments.

Yes, I was mad at my husband, but I did not launch into a verbal attack of him. When I discovered he'd ignored her, yes, I was mad, but all I did was roll my eyes and go and go to speak to my daughter.

Inside, I was fuming. So do not think I also launched into an ear bashing of my husband. And no, I don't expect him to be perfect, but he could have acknowledged the apology, even if he wasn't ready to accept it. No, he didn't do that. He ignored her completely, because he was sulking. He could have handled it much better.

Yes, when your kid acts awful to you, it hurts. I've been victim myself on many occasions and not just verbally either. But you know what? When my other kids have said sorry, I've accepted that apology even if I wasn't ready to, because that's what adults should do.

i dont see what difference it makes really. He hasnt put her in any danger.

ASD families have such a massively high rate of divorce/splitting, that you and your husband really need to be on each others side. Allowing your child to scream obscenities at each other to get it out of her system because she doesn't understand it hurts? Of course she understands it hurts or she wouldnt be screaming it.
I think people give autistic/aspie kids much less credit than they deserve and also tiptoe around them, especially if theyre the only aspie in the family.

For heaven's sake, she didn't say he needed to tiptoe around her. She also said that her dd didn't behave acceptably. But she DID say that the dd made an effort to apologise, which for her was a first, so she felt that the dad could have made the effort to at the very least acknowledge it, rather than pout and ignore his dd.

I think the OP is entirely correct in expecting her DH to act like an adult. That is, after all, what he is supposed to be. An adult. Pouting and ignoring his dd is NOT adult behaviour and is not appropriate. Regardless of the behaviour of the dd (which, again, to be clear, the OP has already stated was not on), the DH was childish and rude.

Yes, they need to be on the same page. IMO that means the DH should be acting like an adult, not a spoiled child. The fact that he hasn't put her in danger is irrelevant. She made an effort to apologise, he ignored it whilst in a pout. He's basically shown her that it's acceptable to be rude when you're angry. Well done. That'll really help in the long run. Oh wait, no it won't.

OP I understand why you were cross, but I also understand why DH didn't respnd to the apology. As has been said many a time on mumsnet, peoples reactions are different, his is to be quiet and on his own until he's "back to normal"

I think any comments that have been made about "him being a child" are unfair and unwarranted. Abuse effects different people in different ways, not coming out of his reaction because DD apologised, doesn't make it wrong.