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Original poster

How much does your appearance matter to your partner (and vice versa)

49 replies

Flamesparrow · 06/09/2006 14:15

The pregnancy thread got me thinking... I don't tend to notice if DH puts on/loses weight/if he shaves or decides to try a stubbly thing etc - I love him and that's that, and it doesn't make me any more or less attracted to him.

I complained to him the other day that everyone else has commented on how much weight I've lost, and that he clearly hates me and doesn't care (a tad hormonal that day ) - and he said the same thing as me - he doesn't tend to notice how I look, and my changing looks doesn't tend to affect him (he could be talking bollocks, but he tends to only say what he thinks).

So....... do you notice it in your partner/do they notice it in you??

Are me n DH just a very odd couple???

OP posts:
MissChief · 06/09/2006 14:19

i notice it in my dh and wish i wasn't so superficial as to do so. but looks do matter to me and wish dh would look after himself better. each to their own, though - dh says, like you that he doesn't really notice what i look like - not sure if that's a compliment!

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 06/09/2006 14:23

I've been trying to decide if I hsould be offended or not too

OP posts:
PinkTulips · 06/09/2006 14:26

i love dp no matter how he looks BUT i do notice and comment. if he looks good i say so and vice versa, he always comments when he knows i've made a special effort, or even just if he's feeling amouous and likes what i'm wearing

looks are important to mostpeople mle or female. dp is quite crusty and doesn't give a damn about clothes or shaving etc, but he recently had alot of work done on his teeth as they were in a bad way and when i comment on how good they look, bless him, his face lights up!

everyone feels better when they look good and having people tell you you look good is even more of an ego boost

MissChief · 06/09/2006 14:26

it's probably a compliment but he daren't be obvious about noticing you've lost weight in case you put any back on and ask him then, IFYSWIM? Think men cover their backs like that!

HappyDaddy · 06/09/2006 15:02

I notice changes in my dw because, frankly, however she looks she's stunningly beautiful.

Usually she's pissing and moaning that she looks like shite and I have to correct her, as she's obviously barking.

expatinscotland · 06/09/2006 15:04

Not a jot.

I love and respect my spouse for the incredible person he is: kind, loving, patient, generous, tolerant, accepting, forgiving.

Love the man who uses his eyes to see, not just to look.

MrsFio · 06/09/2006 15:04

I am not that shallow in all honesty. I fell in love my husband as a whole and his beauty shines through, i find vanity very ugly

NotQuiteCockney · 06/09/2006 15:08

I probably care a bit more about appearance than DH does. He keeps himself clean etc, but I wish he took better care of himself in terms of diet and exercise.

He really doesn't care about appearance, and tends to be concerned when I lose weight, rather than happy. He knows exercise makes me happy, though, so is supportive of that.

sandyballs · 06/09/2006 15:08

Not really, although I would hate him to get really fat.

I didn't think my appearance mattered hugely to him but last night he kept staring at me saying how lovely I looked, so much so that it started getting on my nerves, bless him. He eventually decided it was because my hair was down and blow dried, instead of scraped back in it's usual lank ponytail . He said I usually look like an old headmistress with that hairstyle.

Seashells · 06/09/2006 15:12

It doesn't matter at all to us. Over the years together we've both put on alot of weight and lost alot of weight, and our relationship never changed one bit.
I like it when we both make the effort to look nice if we're having a special night together, I esp like the times I can make an effort, but thats more to make myself feel good than for dps benefit.
It's nice to love each other for whats inside, that way you feel truley comfortable with each other, the way it should be.

kama · 06/09/2006 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Oblomov · 06/09/2006 15:16

I don't think dh cares.
Neither do I really.

Saying that, like Pinktulips, we both make the effort to tell eachother we look nice, when say we get dressed up to go out.

And dh said I had lost weight yesterday, which I have, and that was nice that he noticed.

It's important not to be too blase.

puddle · 06/09/2006 15:16

I love him whatever but I do notice when he's looking particularly good and tell him so. When he makes a bit of effort I do fancy him more - I think it reminds me of the dating days. I think it's a bit wierd to be blind to your dp's appearance to be honest.

My dp definitely wouldn't comment if I put on weight. But I have lost weight and he's said how good I look as a result. He makes me feel very attractive and desirable because he does comment - quite often says I look lovely.

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 06/09/2006 15:20

Saying all this - on the odd occasion when DH does tell me I'm looking good, it tends to choke me up because I know I have to be looking VERY good for it to be said iyswim?

OP posts:
lazycow · 06/09/2006 15:38

Dh certainly says the same thing about me and doesn't notice how I look though he often says I am beautiful (if that makes sense). The times he tells me I look beautiful are often when I would least expect it - ie not dressed up etc. I like this and wouldn't have it any other way. The only downsides are

1 - he dosn't notice if I am putting on weight until it is too late
2 - I don't get many 'oh you look great compliments' when I've dressed up or made an effort. He just doesn't do compliments on demand.

I do notice what he looks like a bit more - mostly though becaue he does have a tendency to be really scruffy and I'm OK with a level of that but once his t-shirt has 3 day old food-stains to add to the ink stains and the tear I sometimes ask him to change his shirt .

MrsFio · 06/09/2006 20:39

I think its that age old saying that 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'. because if you love someone the majority of the time you dont notice what they look like unless they don a brown short, kipper tie and flares...mind you isnt that half back in fashion?

ilovecaboose · 06/09/2006 20:45

DP doesn't notice how much weight I've put on or if I change my hair. He does notice outfits depending on how much boob is showing (the more the better) but that's about it.

I do notice how he looks - mostly cos we've both changed so much since we got together 6 1/2 years ago at 17. But not in a negative way (IYSWIM) - I think he looks much better now than he did then.

I found an old school photo of him the other day (when we first got together) and remarked (tact not being my strongpoint) on how bad he looked back then (he really did - though I didn't see it at the time). He was not too impressed.

Northerner · 06/09/2006 20:52

My dh does notice if I put on weight and he would comment. I only ever put on a few pounds if I've let my excercise slip, I would never allow myself to get fat. He doesn't want a fat wife and I don't want to be one. He is very into exercise - he goes to the gym regularly, cycles, plays football, golf and squash. He does physical activity at least once a day. He is very supportive and encouraging of me exercising and we run together when ever we can.

I fancy him and he fancies me and we both want it to stay that way so would never stop making an effort.

Don't think taking a pride in your appearance makes you shallow.

Blondilocks · 06/09/2006 20:59

I notice things like if he's wearing my fave aftershave (& if I don't he usually acts upset & points it out... playing more than anything else!) I guess though it gets to a point whereby it doesn't matter what your OH looks like that much. We both like it when the other party makes an effort to lok nice - in my case that's wearing makeup & dressing up a bit, & in his shaving & aftershave, but it's not the end of the world.

I just think it's nice being able to wear whatever you want & not worry about what they're thinking! Although it is great if they tell u how fab u look once in a while!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 06/09/2006 21:07

Its not "appearance" that matters, but self esteem in our house. It doesn't matter how each other looks, as long as we are both happy with ourselves. I think it shows more if somenoe feels bad about themselves, rather than if they gain a few pounds or whatever.

If you feel good, and feel that you look good, you feel sexy, and that makes a difference, IMO.

FloatingOnTheMed · 06/09/2006 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alexsmum · 06/09/2006 21:48

northener-your comment " he doesn't want a fat wife" really stood out for me.
What would happen if for some unforseeable reason you were unable to exercise and put on a couple of stone? Or were in an accident and were facially scarred? not being funny-genuinely interested.

there is a beautiful south song that has a line in it something like " time takes it's toll but not on the eyes". That's how i feel about my dh and i hope how he feels about me. Time goes on, we all change, but our love doesn't.

Vianne · 06/09/2006 21:59

I aggree vanity is ugly and i don't care what my dh looks like. However it bother's him because the way HE looks means I don't fancy him. I don't care because i love him and don't want anyone else but his sex drive is enormous and made bigger by me just being me. Not sure what to do about this.....

Original poster
Flamesparrow · 06/09/2006 22:04

Oh yes Blondi!!! The aftershave - I tend to whinge when he wears the one I hate (he smells like old man aftershave), and love the one he had when we first met - so when he does wear it, he complains I don't notice

OP posts:
Dottydot · 06/09/2006 22:15

dp never comments when I've put on weight, but she has started saying lovely things now I'm losing it - she keeps saying how "slinky" I look (now I'm down to a size 18!! ). I think after 14 years we can see each other changing - inevitably after childbirth - and it doesn't matter, but it's nice when we make an effort to either dress up for something special, or like I'm losing weight at the moment and I'm pleased that she's noticing and appreciates it!