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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dealing with Abusive ExH

32 replies

NightBeaver · 18/06/2014 12:17

I left ExH 5 years ago, with the help of Mumsnet and Womens Aid. I've recently namechanged because of problems with resetting my password. Sometimes I pop back and ask advice about dealing with ExH as we still have to co-parent, and although I am pretty strong now, sometimes I need my hand held a bit!

So here goes. ExH has asked me by text for a private meeting to discuss a few things. This is out of the ordinary as normally I drop DD at his house and pick her up again from there once a week, we have a brief conversation about anything DD related and I am gone within 10 minutes.

The last time he asked to speak to me privately, he did so one the spot, and we went outside his front door. He wanted to have a go at me because DD and phoned him and said she didn't want to go to his house that week. He blamed me for not supporting him and making her come to his house. I must say that I verbally held my own with him (something I have worked on over the last 5 years), he was trying to intimidate me to make DD do things she didn't want to do. However, it is extremely stressful.

I thought that this time I could text him back and say, yes I will talk to you privately, but I want to know what matters you want to discuss first? Although I know I can deal with him now, the stress to me is huge and I feel sick at the thought.

By the way DD is 14 y.o. and would like to stop going to his house each week (she stays there for 3 days p.w.) but is too afraid of the fall-out as he will go ballistic. I have said to her that when she is ready I will support her 100%, but she says she isn't ready yet.

ExH's new girlfriend recently asked DD why did your mum leave your dad and DD said because he was controlling and bullied her. I think that may be what ExH wants to have a go at me about. I was upfront him when I left him, that I was doing so because I believed he was Emotionally Abusive and he couldn't recognise his behaviour.

Would love some advice as to what to do. XXX

OP posts:

dollius · 18/06/2014 12:22

No, he can email you whatever concerns he has. The fact DD is 14 is highly relevant here. She is at an age where she needs to rebel and develop as an individual and a controlling bully won't like that.

I suspect he is on the verge of seriously kicking off with both of you and you should shield yourself and her from it.

Get everything on email in case he gets nasty, so you have a record.

CailinDana · 18/06/2014 12:23

If meeting him stresses you out then you don't have to do it. Say you're happy to discuss things over email.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/06/2014 12:23

DO NOT meet him in a private place. He's abusive. That means he is untrustworthy. If you want to, arrange to meet him in public and perhaps take a good friend with you.

Remember that he is not entitled to any contact with you at all and you do not have to obey him. And that his opinion of you is unimportant, because he is a prick.

Lweji · 18/06/2014 12:23

Don't talk to him privately.
All discussions with abusive exs should be conducted in front of reliable witnesses or via a recordable medium (text or email).

dollius · 18/06/2014 12:24

Sounds like the GF is wising up to him as well if she is asking about why you left...

Lweji · 18/06/2014 12:25

If he ambushes you, you can tell him to go or you'll call the police.

wallaby73 · 18/06/2014 12:31

What others have said, no you do not have to oblige him, do not meet with him "privately", sod what he wants, you have the valid option of choosing not too, that is your RIGHT. Email is best, he say whatever he needs to communicate in that. No opportunities for him to bully and intimidate x

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 18/06/2014 13:08

I think you might also want to give your DD instructions that if his girlfriend has any specific questions about your relationship with him that she is welcome to contact you directly. Her getting your daughter involved in this discussion will only make your ex angry at your daughter, which is inappropriately putting her in the middle of the conflict.

Lweji · 18/06/2014 13:21

I also agree with Alice.

captainmummy · 18/06/2014 13:25

NightBeaver - you don't have to do anything you are not happy with. why are you even thinking about stressing yourself with meeting him?

And Alice is right - any questions his gf has should be directed at you, not your dd.

Well done on standing your ground, btw.

Itsfab · 18/06/2014 13:35

You are definitely doing the right thing in supporting your daughter in stopping seeing her father as she is now but I would suggest to her she also tell the "step mother" that she does not want to discuss her parents business. The SM has been very unfair putting your daughter on the spot like that and the SM is an idiot to then tell your ex what his daughter said!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 18/06/2014 14:08

You don't have to "deal" with him, and you don't have to meet him "in private" either if you don't want to. Given his past behaviour I wouldn't want to meet him unless I had other people present as witnesses. If he's got anything he wants to discuss with you about your daughter then he can do it via email or not at all.

If your daughter no longer wishes to go and stay with him, and is worried about the fall-out if she discloses this directly to his face, I'd support her in telling him by email. She's quite right in being afraid of his likely reaction to such news. I find this entirely rational and reasonable. At 14 she has a right to her own life, and she deserves to be heard and protected if necessary.

Original poster

NightBeaver · 18/06/2014 15:08

Thank you all for your helpful comments.

This is what he has said in the text "need to have a chat with you about a few things when you have a moment, but privately"

I am worried that I am over-reacting and it might be something like he has a health problem or he has a legitimate worry about DD. That's why I don't feel I can say no I won't talk to you privately.

I did have alarm bells ringing when DD told me what his GF had said to her. I was quite proud that DD was able to answer her, but also worried that the GF might then feed it back to ExH. I agree that it is not a nice thing for the GF to do, if in fact she has. DD says she likes her and trusts her but has only known her since March, and not all that well.

Apparently the GF has previously been in an abusive marriage. She then asked for advice from DD about ways to keep him happy and not become enraged with her!

I can imagine what ExH would say if I told him to put it in an e-mail. Something like, WTF, I asked to have a civilised conversation with her and she won't even do that, she's crazy, blah blah. So I thought if I can at least find out what the topics are, and if they are something normal I could then meet with him, it would probably be in a different room to DD in his house. I don't want him in my house so prefer that.

I suppose I would still be worried that he'd start off with legitimate matters but then slip in something I've done, or DD's done, that has annoyed him and start it off that way.

OP posts:

wyrdyBird · 18/06/2014 15:16

Do not meet him privately. The stress is huge, you say, and you feel sick at the thought: and you don't need to meet him privately.

Please don't let fear of over reacting, or being thought unreasonable, stop you from doing what is right for you. He isn't your partner now. Don't let him control you.

Clutterbugsmum · 18/06/2014 16:12

As others have said do not meet him.

E mail him asking to e mail with anything which relates to your DD, otherwise you have nothing to dicuss with him.

I can imagine what ExH would say if I told him to put it in an e-mail. Something like, WTF, I asked to have a civilised conversation with her and she won't even do that, she's crazy, blah blah. Does it matter what he thinks you are no longer married to him.

Clutterbugsmum · 18/06/2014 16:13

He doesn't want to put in writting because he can them deny any or all of the conversation.

Lweji · 18/06/2014 16:18

Whatever it is he should be able to put things in writing.

Lweji · 18/06/2014 16:19

Or email asking what the topics are, then start the discussion.
Before he notices it, he is actually having the discussion in writing.

bourgoin · 18/06/2014 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheHoneyBadger · 18/06/2014 16:35

emails are private as are phonecalls. if you're not comfortable saying email then phone him and say ok, what did you want to tell me? if he's then like i want to meet just say if it's not a good time to talk now when will it be and i'll call you then. if he gets nasty say ok perhaps it's best we do this by email then as i'm not up for this kind of nonsense.

the thing is your daughter is 14 - if he has issues with his relationship with her he needs to talk to her about it, not you. i would have some stonewalling phrases like, 'dd is 14, she is not a small child', 'dd is old enough to know what she wants, why don't you talk to her', 'if dd doesn't want to come i can't/won't force her. why don't you talk to her?' etc etc.

if he's a controlling bully he is probably unlikely to cope well with your dd becoming an actual person. supporting her probably looks like reminding him stuck record style that she is a whole separate person who is too old to be forced by her mummy and he should talk to her about whatever problems they're having.

TheHoneyBadger · 18/06/2014 16:37

i'd also have, 'sorry, what has this got to do with me?' as a stock phrase. a) you're prompting him and b) you're reminding yourself that he and his madness is not your problem.

TheHoneyBadger · 18/06/2014 16:40

gosh that's a new version of spam! 'the spellcaster'???? wtf would she want him back for by the way?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 18/06/2014 17:15

*"This is what he has said in the text "need to have a chat with you about a few things when you have a moment, but privately"

I am worried that I am over-reacting and it might be something like he has a health problem or he has a legitimate worry about DD. That's why I don't feel I can say no I won't talk to you privately."*

And why do you give a shit about what he thinks he needs? Yours are far more important

Nothing he wants to talk to you "in private" about cannot be done by phone or email. Quite honestly, I would offer him those two alternatives and nothing else.

He's your ex for a reason and he holds no power over you now. With luck, he won't have any over your daughter soon, too.

CailinDana · 18/06/2014 18:26

It sounds like you need to work on detaching properly from him. The fact that he'll think you're crazy is absolutely irrelevant, he can think you're from mars and have webbed feet, what he thinks does not matter at all.

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/06/2014 18:36

I'd respond with 'what sort of things?'

Don't at this stage do anything other than appear breezy and light.

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