Dealing with Abusive ExH

[NightBeaver]

I left ExH 5 years ago, with the help of Mumsnet and Womens Aid. I've recently namechanged because of problems with resetting my password. Sometimes I pop back and ask advice about dealing with ExH as we still have to co-parent, and although I am pretty strong now, sometimes I need my hand held a bit!

So here goes. ExH has asked me by text for a private meeting to discuss a few things. This is out of the ordinary as normally I drop DD at his house and pick her up again from there once a week, we have a brief conversation about anything DD related and I am gone within 10 minutes.

The last time he asked to speak to me privately, he did so one the spot, and we went outside his front door. He wanted to have a go at me because DD and phoned him and said she didn't want to go to his house that week. He blamed me for not supporting him and making her come to his house. I must say that I verbally held my own with him (something I have worked on over the last 5 years), he was trying to intimidate me to make DD do things she didn't want to do. However, it is extremely stressful.

I thought that this time I could text him back and say, yes I will talk to you privately, but I want to know what matters you want to discuss first? Although I know I can deal with him now, the stress to me is huge and I feel sick at the thought.

By the way DD is 14 y.o. and would like to stop going to his house each week (she stays there for 3 days p.w.) but is too afraid of the fall-out as he will go ballistic. I have said to her that when she is ready I will support her 100%, but she says she isn't ready yet.

ExH's new girlfriend recently asked DD why did your mum leave your dad and DD said because he was controlling and bullied her. I think that may be what ExH wants to have a go at me about. I was upfront him when I left him, that I was doing so because I believed he was Emotionally Abusive and he couldn't recognise his behaviour.

Would love some advice as to what to do. XXX

Yup, just text him back 'Send me an email' and leave it at that. It doesn't matter what he wants. He doesn't matter, and your DD is certainly old enough to refuse to see him and have her wishes taken into account.

A man with a track record of abuse of women is not going to be a good father to a teenage girl who is beginning to assert herself, after all.

Ask him to send an email. You don't need to have direct contact, in person or by phone, so don't. Only answer the bits of the email that pertain to your DD's contact with him. Agree te the gf, dd should not be involved in that.

Could privately not be outside his house, when you're picking your daughter up, whilst she waits for you in the car in full view?

Sounds like he's trying to exert a control over you, you're not comfortable, and with his EA history he probably knows that.

Downplay, avoid new situations with him, involve your daughter as far as appropriate. Disagree with pp about telling him to just speak with her - you two need to be a team.

No - go through e-mail contact. You can lie if you want and tell him that you have commitments which mean you can't hang around when picking up your daughter. It makes more sense to do it through e-mail where neither of you will be in a rush.

Thank you to everyone who has given me advice so far - I wonder if anyone would kindly give opinions on the next part of the saga:-

Following the ExH request to talk with me privately, I texted him back and asked him to put in writing (text or e-mail) what he wanted to talk about. He didn't ever reply.

I have seen him at pick-up time during the last two weeks, and he has been pleasant and courteous. His GF has been there, so I presumed they had sorted out their differences and back in a relationship again.

This morning I collected DD and she was clearly upset. I had about 10 minutes with her before she had to go to school and she told me that the GF had told ExH what DD had said to her about the reason our marriage broke up being that I left him because he was controlling and bully.

The GF has now finished with him again and last evening ExH was very unpleasant to DD and made her cry. He told her that she was the reason for him and his GF for splitting up, because she told his GF why her mum left him and also that she herself (DD) found him to be controlling too, and didn't like being with him.

ExH told DD last night that one day, he would tell both her and her brother the truth about what happened between their mother and father, and that everything I have told her was distorted or a pack of lies.

Because both my children know only too well what he is like, having experienced him, I'm not overly worried about this. The other thing he said was he's been to see his former GF from whom he split in 2013, who is a very nice person, and who contacted me by e-mail in 2013, after she split with him to find out the reason I left him. I was very reluctant to say anything to her as I feared for my safety, but in the end I told her without going into detail, that he was a controlling bully and he had got me to self-refer to a psychiatrist who told me I was not crazy. This lady said she had felt all along that there was something not right about him but she had deluded herself because she really wanted him as her BF.

Now, this previous ExGF has told ExH that I have also told her he was a controlling bully, although she made it crystal clear that she contacted me and got the information, not me volunteering it.

So ExH is extremely angry with me and has told DD that I have effectively interfered in both his last two relationships. I know he will try and get me alone and "have a go" at me about this at some stage, but my main worry at the moment is for DD.

She still feels she should carry on going to his house for 3 nights per week, but I can see she doesn't fully want to. I think she is torn because sometimes he is great fun, and she does love that part of him, but also his behaviour often makes her miserable.

I keep hearing her words from this morning - "it's all my fault they've split up, I shouldn't have trusted his GF. He's devastated." as if he didn't contribute to the situation!

Up until now I have left it to her to let me know when she is ready to stop going to his house and that I will entirely support her when that happens. Should I do more? I am conscious that ExH must be feeling angry that I am interfering in every part of his life, but if he didn't behave in this way and get himself into these situations, he wouldn't be there.

Thanks for reading!

Wow - your ExH is a nasty piece of work.
Imagine blaming a child for something like that.
He clearly hasn't changed at all if he still won't accept responsibility for his own actions.

You can only reassure her that it certainly was NOT her fault no matter what her dad says.
Just keep doing what you are doing.
She knows you love and support her and that's all you can really do for now.
Is she have counselling at all?

I would tell her that her dad should maybe stop being a controlling bully if he wants a successful relationship then...look how he is controlling and bullying her by telling her all this stuff?