How far would you go to make your partner happy in bed?

[ravenmum]

Reading the emails my husband sent his mistress I discovered he was portraying me as a frigid witch denying him sex and forcing him to search for it elsewhere. I don't take this accusation entirely seriously, partly as I was the one trying and failing to get him into bed, and he obviously has an agenda ... partly because he said this was probably because (unlike him) I am British, the sheer brainlessness of which must surely have made even his mistress briefly wonder what she was doing with him.

Still, from their descriptions they seem a bit more adventurous in their range of positions. (OK, so she was probably trying to impress a new partner, but...) I will admit that what I really like is plain old missionary position ... what can I say? It hits the spot and is what comes spontaneously when you're feeling enthusiastic, isn't it? I like the idea of enthusiastic/spontaneous. I've tried other positions but found most pretty uncomfortable or less satisfying ... don't remember actually refusing to try anything but definitely steer things in the direction I like.

I've always thought that you should do what you enjoy in bed. I'm wondering, though, if I am too unyielding. Maybe I should go out of my way more? Do stuff that pleases him and him alone? Just suck it up, in every sense? I'm not keen on "trying to please", though; isn't it quite creepy? Or is it just what you do if you are an unselfish person and want to keep your relationship fresh, and show your partner how much you love him?

What is your motivation? If you are trying to please him sexually to stop him cheating again, dont. It wont work and it is totally the wrong way of looking at things.

What is HE doing to keep YOU? How interested is HE in pleasing YOU, sexually?

Of course a good sexual relationship is about two people trying to please each other (as long as they feel comfortable with what they are doing), but 'sucking up' sexual positions you don't enjoy to keep a cheating husband from cheating again? Nah.

Well I think it's a bit of give and take really. Simply, if say one of you prefers missionary and the other prefers the woman on top I would think it a bit selfish if one partner wants the other to 'do all the work all of the time'.

I'm speaking in general like though not on what you've posted.. He sounds like an arse.

I think trying new things can be good, I've discovered a lot of things I like but you have to feel happy and secure in a relationship to really let go
Op you sound really down about it, he doesn't sound like a nice man and I'm sure you will hear cries of LtB but if you are willing to make it work then he needs to understand your side.
Have you considered couples counselling?

You don't seem bothered that he had a mistress, just about competing in the bedroom with her, is that correct?
If you have an open marriage that is fine, otherwise I would address the affair before I worried about spicing up the bedroom.

You should only go as far as you are happy with.

Never suck it up unless you like it.

Oh, when I talk about doing stuff that pleases him, I mean "him" as in a partner in general, not my husband! He's not part of my future hopes and dreams.

If you are happy to maintain a sexual relationship with him while he keeps his mistress going as well then you are foolish heading for big trouble.

On the health side, does he have other mistresses, and how many partners does she/they have? Have you both had STI tests?

On the emotional side, he will always be comparing the relationships he has with the two(?) of you, and draw comparisons. It's inevitable.

So I must say LTB.

Just don't want the pattern to repeat itself, if any of this really is about my behaviour in the bedroom...

(crossed with your last post)

Did the two of you have a discussion about sex life while you were together? You've mentioned the frequency issue, but did he ever say he wanted to try other positions?

OP this sounds like a load of old twaddle from your husband. Like you say- clear agenda pushing. I'd also be very concerned about any man who was happy to have their sexual partner do anything they weren't into just to please them- that's a red flag for me and not a man
I would want to be with. Glad you're leaving the bastard. What a wanker.

The obvious thing to do, if he was bothered by the lack of variety in positions, would have been to mention it to you, not shag someone else.

That choice renders all his rationales invalid - he likely just did it because he wanted to.

No-one gets 'driven' to an affair on the basis of sex positions.

Another cheat who charms his gf into bed by viciously criticising his DW on every level. How unoriginal.

Was slightly mystified as to why you even waste your time pondering what he might like but relieved you are planning ahead for his replacement.

In which case, rule number one, your pleasure is no less important than his. It doesn't have to be gymnastics or ice cubes or chocolate. Trusting someone who cares about you usually inspires you.

It is a blow to your confidence but please remember he had his reasons for labelling you as he did. If you have small DCs your H's gf probably never had the worry of a child bursting into the bedroom or a teething baby's wails interrupting the seduction. She probably wasn't pegging out H's kecks on the line or buying his nail fungus cream earlier that same day. Sexy and sensual after that is a tall order.

If you have decided to try again and enlarge your repertoire there shouldn't be any sense you need to compete. Nice for H to think he was doing you the most tremendous favour by gracing your bed but your next partner might be altogether more inspirational and adept.

I doubt it was all about the sex, but my therapist is encouraging me to consider whether there's a grain of truth behind any of his comments, and there could be in this case, as I have always followed the reasoning "why do it if it doesn't sizzle your bacon?"

He didn't ask for other positions, no, but used to initiate them, then gradually stopped. He could have said something, obviously, but then so could I - instead of assuming that he was not interested any more because he was overworked, getting older, etc. Definitely a mutual lack of communication, that's already noted down on my list of things to avoid in future, if I get the opportunity!

Your therapist encouraged you to consider whether there was a grain of trust in that you were frigid? Really?

Is it a man or a woman therapist?

I think that there is a fine line between keeping things interesting in the bedroom and feeling you have to put on a performance in order to keep the competition at bay. I don't think any relationship benefits from boring sex but, at the same time, it's a team sport.... the responsibility for making things better lies with both people involved, not just one on their own.

It depends what your therapist means as regards his comments. If she intends you to look for grains of truth in:

"frigid witch denying him sex and forcing him to search for it elsewhere"

I would tell her to f off.

If she wants you to think about communication in general, that is different.

I might get a bit bored if my husband only wanted missionary, and I do think that sex should be a balance of what pleases both partners, but in the end I wouldn't shag someone else if my husband's tastes were narrower than mine.

I think it would be a terrible thing to let your husband's agenda (and obviously he's got one here) affect your sexual confidence going forward into other relationships.

x posts..

But why do it if it doesn't sizzle your bacon? I don't do stuff I don't like - anywhere, let alone in bed. Life is too short.

There was no grain of truth in what he was saying, because he was misrepresenting you to his OW to get what he wanted.

Now, perhaps, communication wasn't great in your marriage, and obviously sex will then be affected. So it's fine to think about how you want to keep the lines of communication open, active and healthy in any relationship. But you also need to remember that communication, by defi-fucking-nition takes two people. A partner who is not communicating openly out of the bedroom will not be getting the sex they want within the bedroom. I guarantee the two things are linked.

I would suggest your sex life isn't that great because he is a git with all the personality and generosity of a concussed wombat.

I'd leave and find someone who actually like/ fancy and who is interested in your orgasm.

I'd also ask your therapist when not liking your blatantly two timing selfish boyfriend = frigid. Generally it means that person doesn't excite you sexually.

I'm sure you can find someone else, who does and the sooner the better really.