How far would you go to make your partner happy in bed?

[ravenmum]

Reading the emails my husband sent his mistress I discovered he was portraying me as a frigid witch denying him sex and forcing him to search for it elsewhere. I don't take this accusation entirely seriously, partly as I was the one trying and failing to get him into bed, and he obviously has an agenda ... partly because he said this was probably because (unlike him) I am British, the sheer brainlessness of which must surely have made even his mistress briefly wonder what she was doing with him.

Still, from their descriptions they seem a bit more adventurous in their range of positions. (OK, so she was probably trying to impress a new partner, but...) I will admit that what I really like is plain old missionary position ... what can I say? It hits the spot and is what comes spontaneously when you're feeling enthusiastic, isn't it? I like the idea of enthusiastic/spontaneous. I've tried other positions but found most pretty uncomfortable or less satisfying ... don't remember actually refusing to try anything but definitely steer things in the direction I like.

I've always thought that you should do what you enjoy in bed. I'm wondering, though, if I am too unyielding. Maybe I should go out of my way more? Do stuff that pleases him and him alone? Just suck it up, in every sense? I'm not keen on "trying to please", though; isn't it quite creepy? Or is it just what you do if you are an unselfish person and want to keep your relationship fresh, and show your partner how much you love him?

Not that, specifically, Lweji - he made various comments about me (some to me and some to his mistress) and I am supposed to think about whether there could be anything behind any of them - if not the truth as he sees it! Rather than singing "la la la" very loudly and then feeling really bad about myself anyway, because I haven't given myself the chance to dismiss things as nonsense or trivial.

This part of his emails was the biggest surprise and I'd like to think that it's a complete rewriting of history, but it has made me wonder if I was being a bit selfish by choosing not to aggravate my clicky jaw!

Not sure what is the point of such therapy.
Is it to help you overcome the break up, or prepare you for future relationships?
While I do think that we should always analise our behaviour and improve ourselves, it does feel in this case like an exercise in finding a way of blaming yourself for the break up.
Unless the therapist is helping you see how ludicrous his claims were.
Because, even if he was right, he should have addressed those issues with you before cheating.

In a general way, good communication and a certain amount of open-mindedness is best eg if a new partner asks to try something you've never done before it's usually worth thinking it over before saying 'no' just because you've never done it, or even heard of it, before. But that doesn't mean doing something that scares or hurts or revolts you.

I do not see the mileage in trying to find validity in what a lying cheat says, you have no idea if anything he said was actually true, as he was just trying to get a woman into bed.

Beyond better communication and a bit more open-ness to your partner's tastes - there's nothing more you can reasonably take from this.

To help me sleep Lweji! I've spent too long being too scared to even look at my possible failings as I felt like they were probably really bad, and couldn't be improved. Looking at them makes me realise that they aren't as a bad as I thought, and can be improved or just accepted.

The therapist is quite keen for me not to just say "It's all his fault, the scumbag", but to admit that a relationship involves two people. I do tend to blame myself for things, but I think that really considering how much of it could be my fault might make me blame myself less! Until now I'd just have ignored the issue but secretly assumed that I was really shit in bed. Wondering if I might perhaps be a tiny bit selfish is a huge improvement on that.

oh, good grief.

i struggle reading whole threads (no patience and dodgy eyesight) but from this one I've gathered...
a) Your husband had and probably still has a mistress
b) You have access to their written communication
c) You have a therapist who thinks its your fault your husband shags around
d) You don't want to give oral sex.

If you are still with this man, or when you meet someone better, be sensible and don't do anything sexually that you don't actually want to do.

Sack your therapist. Is there any truth in your husband's idea that you're 'frigid'? If s/he can't come up with a better approach to your problems than that, sack them and pay someone else.

Why are you reading his emails to the other woman? Have they been handed to you so you can learn how to be a better wife?

Advice:
If you haven't already, ltb. [re-reading, I see he's not part of your future - good for you]
Meet someone else. You'd be surprised by how much more you might actually want to do with a different partner.

Selfish in bed or not, he cheated on you. He chose to find someone else rather than talk to you about it. IMO it is all his fault the scumbag!

I he decided to come to you and say 'raven, I'm bored in the bedroom. Can we talk about how to change things up a little? Can we find a way we are both happy' that would be different. But he didn't. He chose to go out and fuck another woman. You can't be expected to communicate about something you don't know he's unhappy about. You are not a mind reader.

There's more than one way to sizzle bacon though. You can't always do your favourite position.

I'm very easy going and I'll try anything that I'm not uncomfortable with because well, you never know, it could be great.

It would be bad advice to say you should do x because it pleases him but you do have to compromise in a mutually beneficial way.

Hardly words of wisdom... sorry.

You know, not all therapists are good therapists. I'm struggling to understand the motivation for this 'exercise'.

It was all his fault, the scumbag. No matter what the problems in your relationship (and all relationships have them) you either sort them out, or you break up. What you don't do is go and stick your cock in someone else, while simultaneously lying to both other parties to cover your tracks. Sheeesh.

This man sounds like a jerk that will say anything to make you feel bad... you are better off without him!

If your therapist is from Relate OP, they generally take the line that affairs are the responsibility of both partners, and personally I think that's bollocks.

Sometimes relationships go wrong and one partner or both partners choose to cheat as a consequence, but often affairs are just caused by selfishness and entitlement.

Is that their postion Twinkle? Good to know. As far as I'm concerned, a relationship going wrong is usually down to both partners, but all bets are off when an OW or OM enter the equation.

Well, the therapist didn't actually tell me to go and discuss it on Mumsnet :-) just to generally consider what he said rather than refusing to even think about it. I do realise that he's a complete shit and am not sad that he's gone, though that's sad in itself...

I didn't have a whole lot of experience before I met him, unfortunately, so now I'm wondering if I have a warped idea of what is normal. I'd kind of assumed that having him cum in your mouth was a male fantasy, not something she'd actively initiate... but evidently I'm completely out of touch!

Twinkle, the affair is definitely his fault but it now seems likely that he wasn't getting what he wanted in bed, and though he should have communicated that to me, I shouldn't just have assumed that I knew how he felt either.

The one big lesson I've learned from this is about communication; hope I can do it a bit better in future. Hope he learns no lessons and makes the same mistakes over and over again!

Your husband didn't cheat because he couldn't cum in your mouth OP. It is a male fantasy, if you don't like it, and many women don't, that's fine.

Even if I 'didn't get what I wanted' in bed I wouldn't leave my husband.

Asking you to take responsibility for not performing sexually to requirements you were not aware of is pretty much the male script, the fact that your therapist is male doesn't surprise me.

Having a man ejaculate in your mouth is a health risk, nowadays. Get him (whoever) fully checked out before even considering it (and even then, do you trust him? whoever he is, he's only as clean as his last shag). Oral sex with a condom (oh, the wonders of the modern world, flavoured condoms) might be a sensible alternative.

But if you don't want to do it, don't do it!

The thread has moved on a bit but to address your initial question: yes I do think that in a normal healthy relationship you put yourself out a bit to please someone you love. Not just in the bedroom, but in other ways as well. Surely if you love someone you want them to be happy? This does not, by the way, meaning that you have oral sex if you really don't like it or have a clicky jaw, but perhaps trying different positions occasionally even if it doesn't necessarily do it for you, if your partner wanted that, woudln't have been unreasonable?
It sounds as if you both let things go that needed to be discussed.

You shouldn't do anything you're really not comfortable with, but like SGB said this doesn't necessarily mean writing off things you've never tried just because they're new.

And it's absolutely no excuse for cheating but if my partner only ever fucked me in missionary, and refused to go down on me or try anything different ever, well then he wouldn't be my partner for long. I am very into sex and experimenting though, not everyone is in which case it's fine.

I have a feeling though, if you meet someone you really connect with physically you won't mind aggravating your clicky jaw and will be swinging from the chandelier before you know it! the main cause of women being 'frigid' (awful word) is that men are shit in bed IMO.

I think there are 2 seperate issues.

You were very probably definitely married to an arse. Being with an arsehole like this does not tend to encourage people to have adventure in the bedroom, more like a task to be completed to maintain the semblance of normality. And before people start, he is definitely an arse discussing his married sex life with an OW in such detail and with such brutality and blame.

So the second issue is whether you would be unlikely to want to try different things in sex with someone else who is not an arse. I suggest you go and find out..... in good time. If your twat radar is working efficiently, I would predict that you will discover parts of you, you never knew were there.

I think everyone should go as far as they are absolutely comfortable with and no further. Hopefully in this day and age people can easily establish sexual compatibility before they tie the knot.

If your preference was the missionary, then that's fine, provided that you didn't flat out refuse to try anything other than that. You mention that you would "steer" it back to that as well - I think that might be more of an issue, as it shows that you aren't genuinely happy to keep going with the new position, it's just sort of....appeasing your partner I guess? I don't know.

But overall your ex husband was just being a complete piece of shit.

Meanwhile the misress is probably gritting her teeth and thinking "The things I do for England" whilst participating in something she does not particularly like, but 'has' to do to 'keep' him. You are well rid.