Would you stay with this man?

[Exsqueezemeplease]

He is a drifter, works as little as possible and is threatening the financial security of our family with his "I don't have to have a proper job" attitude.

He has an alcohol problem which he is currently apparently in good control of but he hasn't actually stopped drinking and has no intentions of stopping or seeking help to stop. He says he has stopped drinkin at home, but I have caught him secretly drinking twice. He calls these "little blips" and doesn't understand why I don't trust him not to be secretly drinking.

He has been verbally abusive to me whilst drunk, several times. This is rare but has happened as recently as a few months ago.

He has been physically aggressive with our DC (not to hurt but to demonstrate his displeasure). Last time this happened I chucked him out but he made huge promises to change and I believed him. He has made more of an effort and been a better father since then.

On the other hand he is kind and loving to me, can be fun to be with, and the love is still there between us.

If you recognise my situation (I've posted about him quite a lot under different user names) please don't shout at me for still dithering. I've almost made my mind up to go - I've seen a solicitor and viewed houses. But he is being particularly supportive and lovely at the moment and I'm finding it very tough to make that final push.

So he's an alcoholic waster.

No amount of 'nice' now and then cancels that out.

Men worth having are 'nice', plus are not wasters, alcoholics, aggressive etc.

The being a lazy arse who thinks the world (and you?) should support him would be enough for me to get shot, without anything else. Can't abide this idle entitled scrounger attitude in anyone, let alone someone with a family. I know plenty of hard-working teenagers. How come a grown man is content to ponce off everyone else? Revolting. How can you possibly have any respect for him at all?

but I do understand it's difficult to leave someone you love.

There comes a time when you need to listen to your head instead of your heart. Your heart can lead you very wrong. At times, so can your head. The only good relationship is one where your head and your heart both agree it's a good one.

No, I wouldn't stay.

You won't believe the weight off your shoulders when he's gone and you can all just relax.

No

You will be so relieved when you kicked him out- honestly . The thinking about it is worse than the doing it.

yes, stay with him, he sounds lovely, just charming.

Who cares about aggression versus children, or abusive behaviour, and not taking his responsibility if he is occasionally "nice". Even if he is only nice and supportive if he feels like it, and a twat the rest of the time.

Who cares about the kids anyway, and what does it matter he puts his needs above yours? He is a clearly great man. Who is sometimes even nice. For a bit. If he is not drunk or abusive or aggressive.

Sounds ideal. Go for it.

and he makes huge promises! That si all you need really.

In my book, a man can use and abuse me, as long as me makes great promises every now and then.

After all, that is all I deserve. And empty promise.

Promises are cheap and mean nothing.

Actions speak louder than words.

All that stuff.

just THINK

Please, leave him. I haven't a clue who you are or what you're like, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that you and your DC are so much better than this. LEAVE. And don't look back.

Sorry, no. The aggression to the children would have been the end of it for me.

Sorry you're in this situation.

Me neither!

No I wouldn't. Msoy because I would be living with the worry that the 'bad' times will be suddenly on me when things are good OR it will make me extremely sad and ressentful that he can't get his act together to be a 'nice' guy all the time.

And what washington said too.

Aggression towards your children is reason alone to get rid.

If SS finds out about the aggression to the children, and you have not taken steps to protect them, you could find yourself in hot water OP.

They can and will remove them if you fail to protect them.

That is your only motivation. Protect your children.

You have a whole new life ahead of you, with peace, and calm for you and DC. Embrace it.

Leave and be happy. Dither and be miserable.
The poster who said thinking about it is the hard bit....doing is the easy bit has hit the nail on the head.

Thank you all. This is what I need to hear. I'm going to re-read this thread in the morning, then I'm going to phone the letting agent of a little house I've seen.

I've applied for the house and it's going through. Oh god, I'm having a huge wobble. Hold my hand and tell me I'm doing the right thing and everything will be ok. I keep imagining years of struggle and loneliness, then the DC leave home and I'll have nothing and nobody.

You are doing the right thing.

Keep reading and re reading this thread. Honestly, you'll be soo much happier. It's not a hard as you think it will be being an LP. Yes, it has it tough and lonely moments but it's a billion squillion times better than the situation you are in right now.

You'll be fine and stronger, as will your kids. You will make the best of this because you have to and you want to.

Once you start on this, NOTHING and I mean nothing will stop you in getting anything in life from now on. This can be the making of you if you want it to be.

I don't know about previous threads, but no, I would not.

Everything was sounding really terrible, then it got to the violence with the kid and I was like "........this has stopped being a question now".

Go.

Look. The is no "on the other hand he is nice to me sometimes. Funny ans caring etc...." im sure hitler was nice on occasion

I amongst others will hold your hand.

Good on you to apply for the house; that is indeed a good thing you have done. The first step out is indeed the hardest of steps to take but you've done it.

You are SO doing the right thing here; this man has and will only drag you and your children down with him. Protecting your own self and by turn your children must remain the highest of priorities. You cannot rescue and or save someone like this, besides which he never wanted your help anyway. Such men too hate women, all of them.

Once you are in your new home and more settled I would seriously consider doing Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this could well help you going forward. Such men like the one you mention can and do take a long time to recover from. You need to work on you more, you cannot afford to choose so badly ever again. I do wonder what you ever saw in him.

run and run fast! you know this is true , dont you .?

Another one here for you. Embrace your dc, they will be fuel for your soul. Also, I have always got on very well with solitude-Imho, it just has a bad reputation. Your safety and freedom will be well worth these changes.

I keep imagining years of struggle and loneliness, then the DC leave home and I'll have nothing and nobody.

No, that's not true. First of all, you'll have yourself - which is something you're in danger of losing when he's chipping away at you regularly.

Second - you'll have your DCs.

Third - you'll make friends, find activities to do. You will.

I was in a similar situation and separated just over a year ago. Best. Decision. Ever. The only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner.