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Original poster

Bad Boys

26 replies

zigazigah01 · 17/06/2014 11:56

I had a really traumatic break up around 2 years ago. I'd been with my ex for over 10 years.

I have moved on a lot since then and am feeling generally quite happy.

However dating is not really working out for me.

I feel I either date people who I quickly lose interest in, or else I am insanely attacted to the 'bad boys' i.e. womanisers and chancers. I can see that they're idiots but still go there.

How do I stop this? Or any ideas as to why I am doing this?

I would like another relationship, although I don't feel I absolutely need one, if that makes sense. It would be nice to spend time with someone again I think more than anything else. But I ain't going to get that from the bad boys.

Is it as simple as just recognising that I shouldn't be going after these types of guys and stopping myself from doing so?! I feel like these sorts of guys are the only ones I am actually attracted to. And I also feel/am concerned I am giving off some sort of vibe that makes them approach me.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 17/06/2014 12:10

Firstly, stop calling them "bad boys" and call them what they are - abusers and woman-haters. They are nasty bastards who treat women like shit but society ruffles their hair and calls them "chancers" and laughs like it's nothing to worry about.

Abusers recognise women who are easy targets, yes. That's not to say you are to blame, that's to say society is fucked up and turns a blind eye to men who seek out women to crush and destroy under the guise of "love."

Counselling might be a good idea.

Or, getting into feminism usually cures you of a "bad boy" addiction pretty fast.

Have a look at the FWR section, or post there if you like.

Original poster
zigazigah01 · 17/06/2014 12:18

Thanks for your reply.
I consider myself to be feminist, as it happens. One that makes some bad choices, but still...
I am not sure what the FWR section is, but I will find out!

OP posts:
CailinDana · 17/06/2014 12:20

It's the feminism and women's rights section. Understanding the influences in society that have developed your attraction to "bad boys" could really help.

MwahMum · 17/06/2014 12:22

I am insanely attacted to the 'bad boys' i.e. womanisers and chancers. I can see that they're idiots but still go there

You'll continuously get hurt for as long as "you go there".

What type of vibe do you think you are giving out?

Lottapianos · 17/06/2014 12:24

'Firstly, stop calling them "bad boys" and call them what they are - abusers and woman-haters. They are nasty bastards who treat women like shit but society ruffles their hair and calls them "chancers" and laughs like it's nothing to worry about.'

Completely agree with all of this. They are grown men who are making the choice to treat women as somehow less than men. Think of the men you are referring to and link them to words like 'abuser', 'misogynist', 'dangerous', 'controlling'. Avoid minimising it by using terms like 'bad boys'.

I think that being aware of your tendency to get involved with these sorts of men is a really good thing so well done for recognising it

Original poster
zigazigah01 · 17/06/2014 12:30

Cailin - thank you, I will have a look. I never was into these sorts before my car crash break up, mind you.

MwahMum - I am not sure. Vulnerability? To give you an example, the last guy I was really interested in seemed like a totally stand up guy. All my friends said he exactly the right sort to have something long term with - very eligible. I got all excited about him, but it became pretty clear that all he was really looking for was some dirty texting, he had no intentions of a relationship or even really dating me. I guess I wonder why he thought I would be up for that. Does he see something in me that he can prey on?
I am sure I seem very respectable to the outside world, I'm a professional person etc. I feel like even with someone who seems very very eligible and above board the behavour I am attracting is really suspect. I did take a while to kick him to the kerb though, so I suppose I am answering my own question there.

OP posts:
WildBillfemale · 17/06/2014 20:29

You set the benchmark for what you find acceptable in potential partners behaviour. If someone behaves in a way that's not what you are looking for, stop engaging - straight away.

EllaFitzgerald · 17/06/2014 21:09

I remember reading something years ago that suggested that some women purposely choose 'bad boys' because they are scared of commitment and know that there is no chance that these men will ever want to settle down and have a proper relationship with them. They aren't interested in nice men because they don't want to commit.

I have no idea if this theory has any merit, but I do know that if you keep picking the same sort of men, then you'll keep having the same sort of problems.

BertieBotts · 17/06/2014 21:12

There's a really good blog called Baggage Reclaim which I like, and deals with this kind of thing ie why are you attracted to a certain "type", why is it difficult to call time even when you know it's not working. Really good and insightful.

Original poster
zigazigah01 · 17/06/2014 22:06

EllaFitzgerald, the thing is I was in a committed relationship for years and years, so it's not like I don't do committment. I wanted committment from him (i.e. marriage and children) and ultimately he couldn't do it. His choice to get out, not mine.
I have problems when I envisage what I want for my future. I would like a baby, I think, and am running out of time for that...but I don't know if I want to live with someone again. It was a real drudge, I ended up doing everything, paying for everything and it ruined our relationship. I quite like living alone right now. I guess it probably wouldn't be like that with the right person, but I had my fingers badly burned.
However even if I met someone tomorrow it's not like I would be living with them right away anyway - I would really just like to get past the 'three dates' point, which is where I get stuck at the moment, so I do not know why I am worrying about that right now.
I feel I'm at the point where I am letting what has happened in my past affect my future.
I will look at Baggage Reclaim.
Thanks for all your comments.

OP posts:
Laceym1987 · 17/06/2014 22:56

Please please please for your own sake leave bad boys alone. I recently found out I was pregnant by a bad boy and then went onto miscarry this week and I have not had one single word of support or condolence. Please if you see a bad boy just run as far and fast as you can. Yes it may be fun but believe me having to deal with the reality of making a baby with someone who has no respect for women and then having to go through the turmoil of miscarrying with no support from the father has been soul destroying. Please chick just leave them alone x

ChickenMe · 18/06/2014 11:41

What's your relationship with your father like? It's often an interesting starting point. One theory is that you may be trying to save or heal these bad boys.
I would recommend taking some time off dating, get some therapy and spend time immersing yourself in things you love.

Original poster
zigazigah01 · 20/06/2014 10:50

Hi ChickenMe, thanks for your message. My Dad is a real sweetie, completely devoted to my mother, so I don't think it's that.

I'm on holiday right now, and it is giving me some time to clear my head. I think when I get home, I am going to start a healthy eating/exercise campaign, join a creative writing class and start looking for a new job. And I'm also going to stop sleeping with the guy I'm currently sleeping with. I've also decided that if I get to 39 without meeting 'The One' I'm going to think about doing motherhood solo, one way or another. It feels good to make some positive decisions. The hardest bit will be stopping sleeping with the current bloke, but I'm not sure it is making me happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
zigazigah01 · 20/06/2014 12:11

LaceyM, so sorry for your loss. Hope you are ok.

OP posts:
ladyblablah · 20/06/2014 12:21

I used to be attracted to assholes.
They were the ones that gave me that 'rush' associated with love and lust.
I learned the hard way that the 'rush' was my body's warning sign of danger. So this adrenaline type of feeling became my warning sound to keep away.

Learning to retune has allowed me to experience a rush that you may not have yet experienced...a warm and slower and certainly safer rush.

Baggage reclaim was very helpful in this process, second you looking at that.
Also, really deciding to set very clear boundaries of what is acceptable. And walking away when they are stepped over, however much against the grain it may initially feel.

I think you are nearly there. Dump this current time waster off and start a clean slate from today.

Singledom is far better than the torture of assholes anyway.

kentishgirl · 20/06/2014 12:29

'I guess I wonder why he thought I would be up for that. Does he see something in me that he can prey on?'

Hi. I do think there may be an element of truth in this. I went through a phase of attracting the bad boys (OK, crap name but for sake of brevity I'm going to call them BBs) and being propositioned for all sorts of rubbish. I still don't know exactly why but I think I was giving off some sort of vibe. I'd been married for ten years, took a break from men completely for about 5 years, then when I was interested again all the creeps came out of the woodwork.

IT was a weird 2-3 year period, never happened before, never happened since.

kentishgirl · 20/06/2014 12:29

that's not to say you are in any way to blame for this, by the way.

normalishdude · 20/06/2014 15:48

Crikey- not all 'bad boys' are 'women haters'.

BertieBotts · 20/06/2014 16:32

What's your definition of bad boy, dude? Highly suspect wires may be crossed!

MiniTheMinx · 20/06/2014 16:38

Crikey- not all 'bad boys' are 'women haters'

Yes I suspect if you asked one of them or all of them they would probably say they loved women...lots of women, not just any particular women and probably have some sort of unresolved issue with their mother.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 20/06/2014 16:42

Depends what you mean by 'bad boy'. There is nothing wrong if all a man (or woman for that matter) wants is dirty texting or NSA sex, as long as they are honest about it. They might not be right for you or what you are after, but there isn't dishonesty involved. I would not class them as 'women haters'.

If on the other hand it is someone who leads women on, cheats on them, generally acts without any sense of respect for them, then yes 'woman hater' seems an apt description.

LadyNexus · 20/06/2014 16:45

Step one: Under no circumstances 'go there'

Step two: Read the relationships thread, paying particular attention to the abusive and cheating threads.

Step three: Suitably reminded of why it is not a fabulous idea, see step one.

After you've got that nailed down, have a happy relaxed life Grin

Original poster
zigazigah01 · 23/06/2014 09:10

Just to clarify I have no moral issue with men or women wanting casual sex or dirty texting. My issue is that there has been dishonesty involved. The dirty texter wasn't in a position to date me for example because he had a girlfriend he didn't bother telling me about. Hence he was just looking for a cheap thrill. I found out about the girlfriend via a mutual acquaintance. He'd actively lead me to believe he was single and at least to start with there was the pretence of wanting to date.

Current involvement is with someone who will be all romantic with me and then once he's reeled me in we're only fuck buddies. I feel he manipulates me a bit, by hinting that there could be more between us and then reneging. I am letting him manipulate me obviously, I'm not that naive that I don't see what he's doing. He's someone who would say that he loves women. And he does, it's just indiscriminate.

OP posts:
Original poster
zigazigah01 · 23/06/2014 09:12

Thanks Ladyblahblah and Kentishgirl for comments.
Kentishgirl, do you know how you broke that cycle?

OP posts:
kentishgirl · 23/06/2014 10:01

Hi,

I think I just was giving out the wrong vibes - on the one hand I was really inexperienced at flirting/dating as I'd met my ex husband when I was 15. And there I was at 30 trying it all again with skills that hadn't moved on from there. On the other hand I was pretty confident and open sexually (Essex girl!). The combination probably made me put out some impressions I didn't mean to create.

I guess I just learned how to control what vibes I was giving out, over time.

Possibly I was coming across as a vulnerable woman as well (being a novice), possibly I was, and there are men who can spot this and hone in on you without very good intentions.

I did get into a fuckbuddy thing and have no regrets about that. We were both clear and honest about it from the start, and there was no interest from either of us to make it a full relationship. (Well, he used to play a few ego trip games but I just used to laugh at him).