How do I remain dignified?

[tornandhurt]

Hi all, I'm new to posting. The last few weeks have been utter hell! I discovered that my husband had been cheating on me with a girl he worked with who is half his age. When confronted, he admitted everything - we've shed lots of tears and I'm still struggling to get through each day, but I love him dearly and desperately want to get back on track, which he says he wants too. My issue is that whilst he's at fault, I'm finding it easier to blame her, and am struggling so hard to maintain my dignity as I battle with hurling abuse at her, ruining her life the way she has mine, and quite honestly just want to make her pay for what she's done. I've asked him to put in for a transfer, which he has done but could take time, but how to I cope in the meantime? I'm no young girl and my head tells me to leave it be now, but my heart has been ripped in two.

I guess the jury is out on whether you should tell her H eventually. You might argue he has the right to know - not to make her suffer but for his own sake. However it almost certainly will invite some more chaos into your life so be aware. And not on FB for the love of god!

I would also say that your H is one of those who, forgiven this time, will do it again. And again. Basically he like to have a housekeeper-and-child-raiser ie you to see to his home comforts, and assorted other women for new, more frequent and more exciting (in his opinion) sexual activity. They will all probably be younger than him because he feels that he is special enough to deserve attractive, young partners rather than women of his own age.

And he believes the way to get this is firstly to convince you that he is so desirable a prize that you will accept him having sex with other women behind your back just so long as he doesn't leave you altogether.

Of course, there comes a point at which young women really don't want an aging married man, unless he is hugely rich or hugely famous (a shopkeeper doesn't quite cut it) and then the wife of such a man might get to grow old with him and have him stay at home. But such men quite often continue to chase young women to the point that they become entirely embarrassing and/or inappropriate. So unless you can reach an agreement to stay married but both have other sexual partners, and be honest with each other about it, I wouldn't say it's worth trying to keep this one.

Personally I would tell her husband. I would have a powerful need for justice. Plus then I could move on from her and focus my real anger on the main culprit - your DH.

Ah I see foad, we clearly have very different views of the universe.

I would have his bags packed and be telling him to give me two weeks to think. At the moment I don't think he's anywhere near convincing enough in wanting to save his marriage.

OP, I agree with SGB

I think you need to negotiate an open relationship where you also get to shag whomever you fancy. That is what he is going to do, and sooner than you think.

That is, if you insist on staying with the sexually incontinent prick. Imagine wiping this bloke's arse when he is in his dotage ? No, thank you. You are metaphorically doing that right now. Cleaning up his messes and keeping his dirty secrets. This is what you have to look forward to

do we ever get 'blaming the other man' threads?

FWIW I completely get why you are angry with OW Torn and I will get roasted for this but I think your feelings towards her are valid and justified at this stage.You are in shock and going through the very early stages of processing what's gone on.Of course the primary person causing your pain and who owed you loyalty is your DH .And the your relationship with him is where you need to concentrate your thoughts.Only you can decide if you can/ want to forgive and rebuild your shattered marriage.We did.But I will never forget.
That's why if see the OW I still feel immensely stirred up.Thats why I posted recently about feeling sad and down.Because I saw her.Because it's the exact time of year I discovered.FFS we are only human.It doesn't mean we absolve our DHS of responsibility. I was livid with my DH.Like you we have DCs and although grown up splitting up would have been so complicated at the time with all sorts of family stuff going on.Plus we ran a business together that was our single source of income and separating it was nigh impossible.So we stayed together and worked things out.DH suggested counselling.We went.Although in hindsight too soon.Cogito's advice to get some space is a good one.If I have one regret it's not taking up a friends offer to go and stay for a few days to sort my head out,and then returning home to start working things out.But rightly or wrongly I understand your need to stay with your family.
You will come to see in time that your DH is the one who betrayed you,not her.But don't be made to feel even worse or guilty for having strong emotions towards her.But you do need to share this.Its too big a burden to carry alone.And you will feel incredibly lonely. I did.My DH,my best friend and the one person I trusted completely was lost to me - a stranger.
I talked to a few trusted friends.Eventually I went to see a counsellor on my own and that was better than couples counselling.A safe space to express my feelings.I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I'm going to throw this in here, simply because IMO it needs to be said.

You need to tell your family and his. Why?

1. Otherwise you're keeping his dirty little secret, which is not fair on you.

1. He needs consequences to see that his behaviour is wrong. He is currently not getting any. NOTHING in his life has really changed. As far as he is concerned, he has had a slap on the wrist and next time he'll be more careful.

1. You will have to adjust for family dynamics constantly both with your family and with his, as you'll know about this behaviour and his secrets, while they won't. They'll be lauding him as a fine upstanding husband and father, while you're resentful and stressed as you know the truth.

1. When he blew your trust out of the water, he needs to see that this doesn't just affect him. It affects EVERYONE in some way. He needs to earn that trust back. He needs to SEE his behaviour from everyone else's eyes. He needs to experience the "shame" of his behaviour. Why should YOU have to bear the brunt?

1. He is pushing you to stop talking about it, from what you are saying. This is akin to sweeping it under the carpet, forget about it, move on. He doesn't get that choice. Telling your family means that they will be not only supportive of you, but making sure that YOU cannot be pushed into sweeping it under the carpet either. Sometimes it's helpful to have family to be there and keep things in perspective for you.

Tell people. Make him understand that people will judge him on his behaviour and he is going to have to earn his status back. He needs consequences to understand that his behaviour is wrong. And you need support in RL.

Also - I will point out that as you have children, it's likely that at some point one of them is going to overhear something and figure out what has happened. Do you want one of them to be saying something to other family members and having it blow up that way? Talk about placing a lot of guilt on a child when they see an innocent question about something they overheard started World War 3 in the family! Or would it perhaps be better to tell family members so they know what's going on, so if one of your children brings it up, they can be supportive to your child....

Guys you're right, and I did take the decision last night to talk to my mum. She's so upset given that we actually met through her as she worked with DH for years. She can't believe he's been so stupid and has offered any help I need and will respect my decision whatever that is.

I had words with him a short while ago on the phone as he knows how anxious I am today as they're both in work together yet I hadn't heard a peep from him to even let me know he'd arrived ok. I was explaining this to him but to be honest I just don't think he gets it and I think he now sees me as this paranoid person who is emotionally unhinged.........funny that I was perfectly sane until he cheated on me!

I'm so glad you told your DM torn - that's a massive step forward.

The 'paranoid' thing is just another way of sweeping it under the carpet, as you know.

Good response from your mum.

I agree with Lonny - "just not getting it" is a bit too convenient. Another reason not to take any responsibility for his actions.

torn well done on telling your mum. It will make a huge difference to feel some support from her.

Well done, love. The sooner that you start to feel a little in control, and start making decisions for yourself rather than in reaction to his behaviour, the sooner you can start feeling more positive about the situation.

Well done you. And what a great mum you have.

Torn I am glad that you told your mum.
I don't know your dh, but judging on the info you have provided, I believe that your dh will cheat again.

I know and thank you to you guys too. I feel a bit stronger today (possibly more anger than anything). I appreciate everyone has their own opinion and that's exactly why I posted here in the first place. I sat and wrote things down last night which have really helped me. All my questions to him, the way I feel about her, what I'd achieve (or not) from hurling a mouthful of abuse at her and I've come to the following conclusions:

• He has to sit and be prepared to give me full detail on when, where, how and why........when I'm looking through the history of when he was texting her, he was emailing and texting me too and was being so lovely. So quite frankly telling me he felt lonely doesn't cut it. When you're exchanging such lovely messages with your wife/husband because they're at work at you can't be with them, to then have time to send sexual messages arranging meet ups with another person smacks of "loving the chase" and "selfishness" - not a person who felt lonely!

• He has to get a transfer out and telling me he has to wait his turn is unacceptable. I know from mum that when this has happened with other people previously (bearing in mind she works for the same firm) they've immediately switched shifts and if necessary stores, so I know it can be done.

• He has to accept that I'm anxious and untrusting of him and he needs to be able to tell me and show me how he proposes to regain that. What shape that will take I can't honestly say right now, but he needs to have ideas of his own.

• I've so many feelings of hatred against the OW and whilst I accept that she could have been anyone, I don't accept that she is entirely blameless in this. She knows me, she knows we have children, and despite her young age she should have had more self respect and morals. However, despite that I do appreciate that hurling abuse at her will not help me long term. Therefore, I've actually sent her an email - which I thought was pretty polite and very calm. I've told her that I feel very sorry for the fact that despite being newly married she is so unhappy with her life as to try and forge another relationship with a married man. I've told her that whatever happens I hope one day she finds true happiness and that for the sake of her own young family she needs to consider speaking with her husband before he find out. Too many people in the workplace know and that at some point the truth will reach him, and that if she really wants to spare him the embarrassment and humiliation I experienced and if she truly cares for him she'll be honest to him and herself, whether she wishes to stay with him or not.

And love, if he can't accept this, then don't compromise. You need to make promises to yourself and keep them.

I think what you wrote is fine. I think that probably she (has been led to believe) that you are the wrong 'un in your marriage, and though the 'knowledge' that she has of you, she felt justified.

She's too immature to have the experience that tells us, if one person is representing another person, what is their motivation for saying what they are saying.

As I keep saying to people, my SHL thinks the world of me. She's paid to. My husband, on the other hand promised to God, and er yeah.

I think you are behaving very fairly at present. Keeping your dignity (which is not the same as covering up for a man who has cheated on you) is something which does you a lot of good. It helps you hang on to your pride. Best of luck.

So quite frankly telling me he felt lonely doesn't cut it.

That's called re-writing history. Don't let him fuck with your head. Things were fine between you, don't let him persuade you otherwise now just because he's fishing around for an excuse.

The transfer - set a deadline.

I love your email.

Good plan.

I've refrained from posting because when I read that this 'man' married just four years with three little ones was having an ongoing sexual relationship with a woman half his age behind his wife's back, I just thought what a complete fucking arsehole, and started to write as much.

Then when I read on that the OP was full of anger but not at him, but his lover ... I knew I was better off not posting.

Then when I read that his wife was attempting to explain his behaviour and listening to his pathetic excuses about being flirty and it getting out of hand and bollocks like that, I knew I was definitely better off not posting.

Because with men like this there really is only one solution and that it to get rid. He's screwing around after only four years of marraige and he'd still be screwing around if he hadn't been caught out. All he's done is weep, wail and make excuses. No one made him stick his dick in another woman. No one apart from him. No one made him text her, sneak around with her, fuck her, cheating on his wife and kids in the process. Now he's confessed and shed a few tears he expects the OP just to move on and forget about it, and she's worried that he'll see her as 'paranoid' and 'unhinged.'

If I was in the OP's shoes I'd be unhinged all right. I'd have my boot up his arse and out of the door faster than you can say Jack Shit, but that's just me.

Of course the other woman isn't blameless and in fact I think your email to her is perfect. But it's your arsehole of a husband you should be angry at. Not just angry - absolutely fucking furious.