How do I remain dignified?

[tornandhurt]

Hi all, I'm new to posting. The last few weeks have been utter hell! I discovered that my husband had been cheating on me with a girl he worked with who is half his age. When confronted, he admitted everything - we've shed lots of tears and I'm still struggling to get through each day, but I love him dearly and desperately want to get back on track, which he says he wants too. My issue is that whilst he's at fault, I'm finding it easier to blame her, and am struggling so hard to maintain my dignity as I battle with hurling abuse at her, ruining her life the way she has mine, and quite honestly just want to make her pay for what she's done. I've asked him to put in for a transfer, which he has done but could take time, but how to I cope in the meantime? I'm no young girl and my head tells me to leave it be now, but my heart has been ripped in two.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I have to say keeping this a secret benefits no-one but your husband. Easier to draw a veil and pretend it hasn't happened that way.

I actually wouldn't have a problem with you telling the husband (just like I would expect one of my friends to tell me if they saw DH holding hands with another woman, for example) but a) you have to be prepared for that to not go the way you expect and b) for it to dramatically change the ground you're standing on now - DH will be furious that his dirty little secret is out.

But you have to tell some people too - you have to let it out, IMO.

TBH I'd be tempted to tell DH's boss, but I suppose that could go wrong - either it's a good organisation which will then sack DH for sexual misconduct which will then not help you, or it's a bad organisation which will protect the male senior member of staff and sack the woman, which wouldn't be fair. But you know, you only have his word that this is an affair-affair - a mutual decision between two consenting adults. She's very young and he's presumably very senior to him - his conduct is not particularly good here.

[tornandhurt]

She's done such a good job of covering her tracks - tbh I'm unsure whether her knows or not! My Dh knows exactly what I'm like and the one thing I have done is be clear with him that right now I'm not ready to let it rest and that I won't be happy until her husband knows. He knows me well enough to know I'm not bluffing.

I don't particularly want to disclose the organisation, but needless to say its very large. My DH has been there 25 years and is at management level. Despite her age she is also at a similar level in another department. Her DH also works for the same organisation just in another store!!!!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You're still focusing your anger on the wrong person.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Your DP did a good job of covering his tracks too...

[tornandhurt]

Totally agree with both of you. Unfortunately he just stupidly forgot that he had asked me to pay his phone bill!!!!!!!!!!!!

[foadmn]

you are barking up the wrong tree.

the woman hasn't done anything to you. she had/has no responsibility to you at all.

your husband has abused your trust, betrayed you, let you down, shamed you, hurt you, whatever you want to say about him.

the woman did nothing to you at all. she had an affair with a man who wanted to have sex with her.

stop blaming her. its not her fault. its not your fault. he knew he was married and he chose to have sex with someone who is not his wife.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

The op needs to concentrate on her DH, but in no way does this mean the OW is some entirely blameless figure who has done nothing wrong. Of course the OW has done something to her too. And of course the op is angry with her as well.

I would tell her DH and then do my best to forget about her, and concentrate on what you want.

[hellsbellsmelons]

He's done after only 4 years.
That makes me very

I do believe you will always be looking over your shoulder for the next one.
It's taken him no time at all to get his kicks elsewhere.
This is who he is.
As a great MN mantra. When someone tells you who they are - you should LISTEN and believe them!

[tornandhurt]

I know I should be concentrating on him and what he's done, but honestly I don't believe she can be portrayed as an innocent party in this.

As a decent person, there is absolutely no way I would allow myself to be in the position of sleeping or becoming involved with a man who I knew to be married with young children. Absolutely no way!

[LoisPuddingLane]

OK, no she's not innocent. But the OW did not take vows to be faithful to you in front of peple.

[kaykayblue]

Maybe she knew. Maybe she didn't know. There are plenty of threads on here from women who have been tricked into believing that the man they were seeing was divorced, or separated and it's turned out to not be the case further down the line.

ParadoxicalUndressing - er, not sure what you are talking about here. Do you honestly know 22 year olds in sexual relationships with men in their forties? I'm 30 and I have never, ever known a 22 year old to be in a relationship with a forty something. In my entire life. Maybe people in their late twenties (28, 29), but never a 22 year old. There's a life time worth of difference between 22 and 28/29.

I assume that you are in a relationship with someone much older - that's not particularly relevant. This man has already shown himself to be a lying manipulative twat. So...why are you assuming that he is like that with his wife, but a fucking angel with the OW?

To the OP - you really need to focus your anger on your husband. I know that misery loves company, but this woman's husband is probably in exactly the same situation as you. He doesn't deserve to be told out of spite and malice. He deserves to be told because it's the right thing to do.

Plus if you've already told your husband that you're going to let the cat out of the bag, do you honestly think that he hasn't forewarned her? And she hasn't already told her husband about her "colleagues crazy lying wife" ?

If you want to tell him, the best thing to do would be to do so out of goodwill. Even if you tell him, you can't guarantee that they won't decide to work through it.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I had many relationships with men in their late 30s early 40s when I was a teenager kay. But actually, my head was completely fucked up and I was dealing with father/abandonment issues (I know, classic and I would have laughed in your face if you'd suggested that was what was going on at the time).

It could of course be that the OW was a full-on equal partner, but equally, he is much older and that can sometimes mean the balance of power has shifted. I was groomed by one older, married man who saw my vulnerability. Not nice.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" I don't believe she can be portrayed as an innocent party in this."

Being immoral is not the same as being responsible. The responsibility for your DH's fidelity lies with your DH and no-one else. No woman can force a faithful man to be unfaithful. No partner can force an unfaithful man to keep it in his pants.

[KlokkenErOl]

I agree with kaykayblue. I think there is something unsettling and distasteful about fifty year olds and twenty somethings. Even when they're single. Balance of power, the "currency" of youth or the "currency" of wealth. Not to mention grooming, senses of entitlement (on men's side), or feelings of worthlessness on woman's (all they have to offer is their youth). It's not healthy.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I really do loathe the culture of blaming the OW, but I don't think absolving other grown women of responsibility is any good either.

This ow is both a newlywed and a high-up manager in the same company, she would have known that the man was married with three(?) kids. She sounds like a cow to me.

Nevertheless, I agree that the OP needs to focus on her twat of a DH. He is the one who is her problem.

[SolidGoldBrass]

The thing is, if you explode all over Facebook calling her names, it will be easy for everyone else to percieve you as a mad, spiteful bitch and some people will say that it's not surprising your H cheated on you.

I am not saying that you are a mad spiteful bitch, or that you deserve to have been cheated on, but advising you that it will bounce back on you if you try to punish the OW because, well, we live in a culture that doesn't like women much and while some people will agree that she is a dirty slut and all the rest of it everyone will still ignore the fact that the person most at fault here is your husband. He will get to sit back and watch two women fighting over him, which men like him tend to enjoy.

[WellWhoKnew]

I think blaming the OW is quite destructive. You're going to look at 'everything she has got going for her' and compare yourself unfavourably. That is not treating yourself in a dignified manner.

You have been treated dreadfully unfairly. It is absolutely awful, I know.

You deserved to be treated better and you were let down by two adults. One of whom swore to God (or the law) to not do that.

Your self-esteem is through the floor right now.

You need to start feeling better about yourself. Look at your fine qualities, start treating yourself to things that make you feel good. You deserve to be a happier person.

Also, you need to tell people what you are going through in real life. Like you, I made the mistake of hiding away. Once you start telling people, they start telling you things that they like about you. They offer you great support, help you feel valued and loved. Do yourself a favour, and don't fight your feelings alone.

Of course, some of them will want you to split from him. But if you decide to stay and work though it, then that's your decision to make. You will make the right decision for you.

Eventually, people will forgive him, but in the short term it will help him understand just how utterly disappointing he is. It will give you some much needed support. It'll stop you fighting your feelings alone.

And that, love, is how you will regain your sense of dignity in my opinion.

[tornandhurt]

WellWhoKnew - thank you so much. That does help.

I'm trying to "chug" along until I have those two weeks off and then spend some much needed time with our children and enjoying fun times. That's what I need right now.

I know deep down I'll get through this, its just that in my heart I'd rather it was with him than without him. I just can't see how I get to that point I suppose as right now there's just nothing he can say or do that will make me believe in him.

In my head I'm an easy option for him. I predominantly support us. I look after our children (and his when he stays over). I cook, I clean and generally run around after him and everyone else and I think that's what it is, I just question whether he does actually mean he's sorry and that he loves me or whether its just easier to stay with me until he gets bored again.

I have no doubt that its finished with her, of that I'm pretty certain.

[Miggsie]

If you forgive him and stay he will do it again, because he knows he can.

[WellWhoKnew]

Your head is your best friend and your worst enemy right now. I can only ask you to make sure that your subjectivity does not add to your problems. Other people will add some objectivity.

You have called yourself 'the easy option'. Why give away the choice? It's yours to make too.

You are an independent, professional, competent home-maker who. You are really quite an amazing person balancing things, which are at times, we all know, bloody hard to do. All you have asked for his is his love and support.

And he's fucked that up royally.

It's now your choice whether you want to keep him in your marriage. Not his.

[foadmn]

no way does this mean the OW is some entirely blameless figure who has done nothing wrong
this is incorrect. the other woman has no responsibility to safeguard the man's marriage, nor do women in general have responsibility for protecting the marriages of unknown women whose husbands might like to have affairs.

[foadmn]

Do you honestly know 22 year olds in sexual relationships with men in their forties? I'm 30 and I have never, ever known a 22 year old to be in a relationship with a forty something. In my entire life
you know me. i did that. and i can tell you now, categorically, it had nothing whatever to do with his wife.

[rosepetalsoup]

Hi OP

I haven't been in this situation but if I was I would certainly enjoy ruining her marriage and telling her DH. Why not? I see no problem with revenge. It would certainly make me feel better. I would do it in a dignified manner.

Maybe that sounds harsh because she's a woman, but she's wronged you, and I would definitely get my own back.

That's not to say I would cut my DH any slack, mind.

[IrianofWay]

Tell someone FGS! You have to. Not on FB, not outing him or her to anyone, not your family who may well end up outraged and gunning for him (which may not be helpful) but just to get support for you. Your best friend, someone who will be unequivocally on your side and back you whatever your decision. You don't need people telling you what to do, you need someone to support you.

[rosepetalsoup]

I didn't realise the OP hadn't told anybody. Yes OP - you need to invite an old friend round with a bottle of wine or three sharpish