Agressive parenting (originally posted in children's behaviour).

[SW8workingmum]

Hi, I am in a bit of a corner. 2 lovely children but the oldest boy is in trouble at school and interacts in a domineering way with his peers. I work full time so am not there for pick up and homework, have a nice aupair. His father loves them however he has no patience and shouts at them all the time. My son is always picking fights with his younger sister - normal stuff, but is it? The weekend before last his father reacted to this aggression by shouting that he would smash his face in if he carried on. To be honest this is extreme but I was absolutely horrified. How can a child grow up with the right messages with parenting like this? This morning he was telling my son that he was stupid for not trying harder with his spelling. (by the way he is not very nice to me either). I don't know how to handle it to be frank. Husband not an evil person but very needy and difficult. Feeling very ground down by it.

SW8workingmum I think you need to consider carefully what you're going to say and make a mental note of specifically what you're going to ask him to do to show that he is making a change and an effort to improve. I'd also suggest putting a time scale in there.

The thing is, it's easy for them to say "oh I'll change..." and put in an effort for a few days, make a big noise about what they're doing, and (if they're anything like my stbx) make a big show of "see? aren't I doing well? I could've shouted and I didn't." (we won't even go into how maddening it is to see them expect a pat on the back for acting like a normal human being )

But I think you need to have clear goals in mind, and clear consequences. And then you must follow through.

if he's not going to change (and I would agree with that) then what are you talking to him about? Your plans to leave?

Yes basically. We have touched on it before but but both of us don't really want it to happen I think for different reasons (it makes him look bad to be left twice) although I think it is inevitable. it doesn't help that I am quite religious too.

It makes him look bad because he's been left twice???????

Maybe he shouldn't be vicious to his sons and then he wouldn't have been.

And he SHOULD look bad, because he is a vicious bully who picks on little kids.

SO this is nothing new? He hasn't changed to date, so what makes you think he will change now?
How can you justify staying with this man, when your children are in danger?
Religion has nothing to do with it. No truly believing person with an ounce of compassion would urge you to do anything other than get your children away from this man. And I say that as a committed Christian who believed my marriage vows were a sacrament. Talk to your religious adviser and ask if your marriage vows take precedence over your DCs safety.

Throughout this thread you seem more worried about your DH than your DC. You now the damage he is doing to them, yet you keep prevaricating and trying to say he isn't all that bad. He screamed at your 7 year old that he would smash his face in. That isn't normal behaviour and most mothers wouldn't think twice about protecting their children, but you seem more concerned about your DH. TBH if I was your neighbour and overheard this, or a teacher hearing your DS talking about it then so many alarm bells would be ringing that I'd be straight on the phone to social services.

Keep on defending this man and the chances are you'll find yourself standing in a court of law making a plea because he really didn't mean to thump your son senseless. Only he does mean it. He means every single word and one day his temper will not be restrained and all that anger will come flooding out. I just hope neither you nor either of your defenceless children are there when that happens.

Stop making excuses for him. Are you so obsessed with him that your children's safety is such a negligible issue to you?

In the country I live in there would be an extended period of family intervention if anyone found out about the "smash your face in" comment. Emotional and physical violence against children is illegal here.

No, the little ones wouldn't be taken away but parenting classes, individual and family therapy, and a couple of good case workers would be on the scene for a long time to make sure your kids are getting the home they deserve. Don't minimise the damage that is happening.

Start putting your kids first.

Not your mother. Not your religion. Not your husband.

Of course your son attacks your daughter.

Your husband bullies, belittles, and threatens your son. Your daughter is the golden child.

It doesn't matter if you don't know any other divorcees? Seriously. It's your children's welfare versus your husband's.

No professional guidance, no religion, will save your children. It's your choice.

I think some of you are mis-interpreting what I am saying - he doesn't want a 2nd divorce because people will see him in a negative light is how I see it.
Despite what some people read into the thread his bad moods are generally directed towards me - not the children. As a result I don't really speak to him much, therefore the children are not growing up in a vibrant household. We are both loving towards them though - husband is genuinely OK most of the time although he barks - it is his nature. I am not making excuses for him. The mentioned flare-up was under pressure, husband can't do pressure. These are the facts and it wears me down.
It is a marriage that is no longer functioning in a happy and positive way and I don't think it will ever change. I have no one to talk to about it and this is a good place to hear other people's thoughts and opinions.

'Despite what some people read into the thread his bad moods are generally directed towards me - not the children.'

This is not ok. He needs to control his temper and 'bad moods' and not make the rest of his family miserable because of them. My dad was the life and soul in front of everyone else but a miserable bastard at home - it was not fun and a very damaging environment to grow up in.

'it is his nature'

No it's not OP. It's a choice he makes. Like other posters said, he's lovely to his friends, so he's making a choice not to threaten to smash their faces in whenever he gets on his nerves. You and your children deserve the same level of respect he shows everyone else.

My advice would be DO NOT enter into any form of counselling with this man. You described him as manipulative and he clearly has no respect for you. Anything you shared in counselling sessions would be used by him against you.

No, he does not want a second divorce because he is getting also what he wants out of this i.e you lot to use and abuse as he sees fit. He's as happy as a clam.

His rubbish directed at you also affects your children markedly; is this really the example of a relationship you want to show them and for them to potentially go onto emulate as adults?. You'll be very lucky in years to come if either child now adults will actually bother with you as their mum at all if you were stupid enough to remain within this. They could well ask you why you put him before them and how would you answer that?. The relationship between your son and daughter could well be long ruined by that point as well.

Your H is certainly not at all loving towards your son is he.

"We are both loving towards them though - husband is genuinely OK most of the time although he barks - it is his nature".

So they are living in a chaotic household as well with some loving behaviours (mainly towards DD who is the golden child here, also a role not without price) and shouting going hand in hand.

"I am not making excuses for him. The mentioned flare-up was under pressure, husband can't do pressure. These are the facts and it wears
me down".

Anyone would be worn down living with an abusive person like your H and he would have acted the same regardless of whom he married. You are pressured but the result of this is that you are well and truly stuck, have no decisive plan in place and can seemingly see no way forward. Your mother spouts crap about divorce and it has nothing to do with her anyway. You are religious fine but your religion would never want you to live within such an awful environment. There is a way out of this but you will need to divorce him in order to be free of him on a day to day basis.

So op, what are you going to do to protect your kids?

If you do nothing then you are part of the problem

What sort of an example are you setting for your son and daughter.

Stop minimising your husbands behaviour. Stop coming up with excuses not to make changes. Start looking after your children's emotional welfare and get rid of this abuser.

Despite what some people read into the thread his bad moods are generally directed towards me - not the children.

This teaches the children that women are to be treated badly. Your DD is learning that her H should and must treat her badly when she marries. Your son is learning that he should and must treat his W badly. That this is how a relationship should be.

You are in deep shit OP. You children even moreso.

I come from a religious background too. You'd be taking the Lord's name in vain by staying with an abuser on the strength of religion. Not sure if you are Christian but if you are, think what Jesus would feel about a man who talks to a stranger the way your DH talks to his own children. His own innocent children.

I'm religious too. I don't think God wanted to stay with a man who abused me and was neglecting his child. A good, kind God does not want women and children to be trapped in damaging situations, unable to grow into the person God intended them to be, limited and broken by a cruel selfish man.

There is also a difference between not judging, and letting that be an excuse to stand by and let your children be damaged and hurt in front of you. I know it's hard to see that from in the middle of an abusive relationship, but I'm not accusing you or being mean, I'm trying to help you see when you've become blind in order to function in this situation

Despite what some people read into the thread his bad moods are generally directed towards me - not the children.

Really? Reread your OP.

The weekend before last his father reacted to this aggression by shouting that he would smash his face in if he carried on.

This morning he was telling my son that he was stupid for not trying harder with his spelling.

People are getting quite aggressive towards the OP. I think she needs support and ideas on how to leave this man, but it isn't that helpful to be so aggressive. OP it will damage your children to continue to be brought up in this environment so please be strong and leave. The stigma of divorce days are long gone. You could say divorce means you've failed but the truth is that staying with this man is failing not divorce. Good luck and hope you start making plans to live separately as soon as possible. I really don't think he will change.

With aggressive parent the fine line between parenting and aggression is often crossed and it becomes very difficult for the child to maintain any sort of relationship with anyone else except the person doing the aggressive parenting. The child would be more than rude to his sister if he didn't know the difference and that would inhibit the child from carrying any other relationship even with their siblings, it is best you make sure you are very close to the children so that they know how to handle a relationship with their dad and everyone else as well. They should not be intimidated by a bully.