if your sisters dp was sending you inappropriate texts..

[MuchAdoAboutEverything]

...would you tell her?
I left my phone at my sisters yesterday so used dps phone to text her to ask her to keep hold of it for me and noticed loads of texts between her and dp.
Dp has been sending my sister inappropriate texts, nothing to suggest anything is going on but inappropriate all the same
'why don't you text me anymore? '
'ill call next time, I'll come round the back '
'why don't you come out and meet us, you can lick (sorry pick ) me up off the floor'
(talking about a hen night she is going on that a few people have pulled out of) ' I'll come with you, could do with a night away in a posh hotel. Don't worry I won't pull out'
Just typing those make me feel sick, things are strained at the moment, I feel like he has no interest in me or the children and will do anything other than spend time with us, put no effort into my birthday and whatever choice/decision I make is wrong or not what he wants.
I have tried to find out what is wrong but he just says everything is fine and makes out I am imagining the problems.
My sister knows things aren't great and is trying to be supportive but hasn't mentioned these texts, her replies have not been encouraging him, either changing the subject, ignoring or her reply to the hen do text was 'as if, no men allowed) so I am not worried there is something going on but I don't know why she hasn't told me.

[Dirtybadger]

Honestly, when I read those texts I just assumed something had been going on. Fantasy or physically. It seems pretty plausible.

Giving your sister the benefit of the doubt, though, is your dp the sort of disgusting dimwit who would say something so inappropriate without having "felt it out" first? If so then like others have said I can understand your sister not telling you. She may be panicked. Worried about creating a problem, etc.

If nothing has happened then the sister is irrelevant. It's a horrible situation for her to be in. It's even worse for you. And it's your dp's fault.

Maybe I'm unreasonable but I find what he has said so disgusting that things would be ending. He has no respect for you. But he also sounds like a right sleaze. I would assume there have been many more messages but it doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter whether things happened or didn't happen. I would be surprised if he would say no, from those, and even if he would, they say enough about how he feels about you. Barf!

[Quitelikely]

What a sleaze bag (sic?). This would make me feel sick. I do agree that your sister is trying to keep the calm.

You need to have it out with him. No doubt he will play it down, say it was a joke etc. you say he hasn't been himself lately. I wonder if he has checked out of the relationship.

He needs to be honest and open with you

[magoria]

Wow 'don't worry I won't pull out'! That isn't just sleazy. That is vile.

He is either a vile shit being really sexually aggressive to your poor sister knowing she won't tell you and taking complete advantage or they are having sexual conversations she is happy with. Or they are having sex.

Neither are good from a DP point of view you don't need a relationship like this.

How the hell you broach this with your sister I have no idea.

I would suggest a solicitor and a complete STI check. Sorry!

[MuchAdoAboutEverything]

the only reason I haven't packed his bags is because he is working away for most of the week at the moment so he is not here I am a sahm so want to get a bit of security before doing anything drastic, we aren't married so I won't be entitled to much from him.
Those texts were all from him, over a couple of weeks. She replied to the hotel one with 'you can't say that to me, he replied 'you know I am only joking'
I really don't think anything has happened, I know what he has done is more important than why she hasn't toldme.
I just can't believe what he has written he has never been sleezy his behavior is totally out of character if the messages weren't on his phone I wouldn't ever think they were from him. He has been acting very out of character I just feel like I am living with a stranger

[HecatePropylaea]

Well, you can't say that. The only thing you can say with certainty is that this is the first time you have ever discovered that he has been texting this way.

Either he picked your sister for his first and only foray into sleezy inappropriate texting or he is well used to it and your sister is the latest person.

Is it more likely that someone who has never ever sent texts like that to anyone would suddenly decide to change everything about himself and send them to his wife's sister?

Or is it more likely that this is behaviour that is so acceptable to him that he feels untouchable?

I don't know which it is, but the reality is that either is possible.

All I am saying is go in with your eyes open. Do not feel that because this is the first time you have caught him, it means it is the first time he has done it.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

It sounds like he is sexually harassing your sister and she has been too worried/ashamed/scared to tell you. I'd start with a conversation with her and take it from there, but I suspect he is a sleazeball and there are other things going on. If he's away can you check browser history etc?

[Lweji]

Get legal advice while he is away.

[CSIJanner]

Okay - ignore the texts to your sister for a moment (but forward them onto yourself). Is the mobile still there? Has he text anyone else in the same way? Either he's on an ick power tripover your sister to make her uncomfortable (under the guise of cracks and giggles) which in itself is revolting, or he's also texting other people as well.

He's texts however still blatantly show him to be an all out sleeze. And follow Lweji's advice to get legal advice.

[MuchAdoAboutEverything]

Typed a long reply and it's dissapeared.
We have been together for 15 years so I like to think I know him well enough to know he is not usually a sleezy person. This is totally out of character it is almost like he has had a personality transplant.
Going to try and meet my sister on our own to talk, wont be easy to bring up but won't have her feeling uncomfortable. She hasn't been acting any differently around him though.

[MuchAdoAboutEverything]

No point with legal advice we aren't married so I guess apart from money for the children what is mine is mine and what is his is his.
I checked his other texts and fb messages after seeing these (not like me at all but wanted to get tge full picture) and there was nothing else so either he has deleted them or its just between him and my sister which is worse than it being someone else or more than one.

[Lweji]

I don't think it's that simple.
Do you rent or does one of you own?
And you are a SAHM for his children. Check it out just in case.

[Vivacia]

What's the harm in getting legal advice?

[Frontier]

Don't make this about your sister, you'll need her. It sounds like he put her in a very difficult position and she has (kind of) tried to tell him to stop. I'm not sure what I would do in her shoes TBH.

It would be very hard to be "responsible" for the break up of my nephews' parents and my sister's heartache and whilst from here we know she isn't responsible, he is, it will be hard to for her to see it that way. She probably does feel guilty in some way.

[SmallPress]

I have sympathy for your sis, who has been put in an impossible position.

He sounds completely disrespectful of your relationship, and of you. Take copies of everything.

[AMumInScotland]

Do get legal advice. Once you have children with someone, it's not just about 'money for the children'. It is about providing for them properly and getting things onto a proper legal footing for security, and a lawyer can make sure you do this in the best way rather than just assuming what is what.

[MuchAdoAboutEverything]

The house is owned, in his name.
I can't afford legal advice and it would make it all seem real. Just wish I knew what had causes the total change in him, sometimes I don't even recognize him as the man I have loved for 15 years and had a family with.

[GarlicJuneBlooms]

Your partner is a sex pest. What a horrible thing to find out :(

Please do talk to your sister - not to blame her (!!) but to find out more. I suppose there is a slim chance she really is going along with it, and is more circumspect than your partner, but this wouldn't be my first or even second thought. I think you need to talk this over face-to-face with her.

It can't be a sudden change in him, I'm afraid, unless he's having some sort of massive health blip. Much more likely he's kept it off your doorstep until now.

I'm so sorry.

[Vivacia]

The house is owned, in his name.

You need legal advice I'm afraid.

[yoyo27]

Could you possibly speak to your mum? Your sister may have confided in her x

[Twinklestein]

Bollocks the sister is in an difficult position: if my BIL sent me just one of those texts he'd never be able to text again by the time I'd finished with him. The text would have been forwarded to my sis with your 'husband is a perv' added for good measure.

[Branleuse]

your sister is in a difficult situation.
if i were you id tell her that you know that hes been a twat to her and you dont know wtf is going on in his head.

your husband is so inappropriate its unreal

[Frontier]

Im glad you're not my sister Twinkle. What a horribly insenstive way to tell someone their 15
yr relatinship is/may be over.

Does anyone else think there's something odd in the fact that these messages seem to have been sent over a long period of time, op obviously has full access to his phone and yet none had been deleted?

[Twinklestein]

There is no good way to find out your husband is sending your sister dirty texts. And there's no good way to find out she hasn't told you either. What could be worse than the way the OP found out?

It's very odd that the sister did not put a stop to this immediately and tell her sister what was going on.

[Lweji]

There are resources that will give you an idea of your legal position.
I suspect you may be able to live in the house with the child as you are a sahm. Or at least get some support towards yourself because of that.
Women's aid may be able to give you some help finding out what you can do.

How are the family finances arranged?

[kaykayblue]

I am normally very blunt in situations like this, and if it was a friends partner doing it then I would tell them immediately. I also get absolutely livid when people I care about get screwed over.

However, even I don't know what I would do in your sister's position. I would be scared that my sister would blame me, or that her partner would tell her that wee had been having an affair and she would believe him. Basically I would be terrified of having my whole family turn against me. I would also be extremely embarrassed.

I think the right thing to do would be to invite your sister over and say

"I was wondering how to bring this up, but on X occasion I noticed that my partner had been sending you inappropriate, even explicit texts. I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you were put in that position. I honestly had no idea. This is his fault, and not yours. I do not blame you for this. I would really appreciate it if you could give me the whole story"

Once she knows that it is safe to talk to you about it, and you are not going to get angry at her, she might have even more bad news for you, like him being inappropriate with her in person, or her even being afraid to be alone with him.

You need to leave this man. He has hurt your own blood.