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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone change?

85 replies

sweetassugarhardasnails · 15/06/2014 19:53

If in previous relationships a partner had cheated, manipulated, lied, threatened, made gf feel very frightened, got in her face, keyed her car, spat in gfs face, tried to suffocate gf with a pillow whilst she slept and got gf arrested, do you think he can change or will this behaviour slowly start creeping in?

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetassugarhardasnails · 15/06/2014 19:54
  • and drove into GF's change on purpose after an argument.
OP posts:
WildBillfemale · 15/06/2014 19:56

Probably someone worth avoiding....

wyrdyBird · 15/06/2014 19:56

That is extreme behaviour. I wouldn't consider taking the risk for two seconds.

Pinter · 15/06/2014 19:57

It depends if they did any work on themselves to address their issues. And even then it would be a big day Approach With Caution

What does your instinct tell you?

Original poster
sweetassugarhardasnails · 15/06/2014 19:58

He's done no work at all but acknowledges that his behaviour is vile.

Honestly, my gut feeling atm is that he can't change

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetassugarhardasnails · 15/06/2014 20:00

Sorry to drip feed, should have added this behaviour wasn't with one GF but several

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MrsKCastle · 15/06/2014 20:00

I would like to think that some people can change.. a determined few.

But... There is no way on earth that I'd be willing to take the risk with what you describe. I imagine things would be lovely and rosy for a while, maybe a long while. But I think I would always be watching a person like that, wondering if I'd annoyed them, wondering when it would start.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2014 20:01

In this circumstance ? No.

Why do you ask ?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/06/2014 20:03

Past behaviour is actually a very good indicator of future behaviours. Bad boys are just that, bad.

Why do you even think that such a character can change?. You're going to love him better?!. I suppose all those other women thought they could make him a better person too, they were all wrong. He will treat you the same.

Do not do that to yourself, please. He has more red flags about him than at a Communist Party meeting.

Original poster
sweetassugarhardasnails · 15/06/2014 20:06

Because i've been seen this guy, gut feeling was something wasn't right, too quick to say I love you, talking about future etc, all the red flags, his history came to light and I backed off and he's now done the "I'd never do it to you" line and I just needed some clarity to tell me that I'm not being harsh to walk away. My head is telling me to run but he is very very charming (unsuprisingly)

OP posts:
meditrina · 15/06/2014 20:09

I wouldn't go near this.

If someone behaved like a shit in their 20s, but was now in their 40s with unexceptional life in between, then maybe change has bedded in.

But repeated behaviour as you describe - no way. How can you sleep peacefully next to someone with form for attempted smothering?

shoppingfrenzy · 15/06/2014 20:09

Run. As fast as you can.

irrationalme · 15/06/2014 20:10

No

AdoraBell · 15/06/2014 20:10

How many ex GFs have heard that line? I bet they all drove him to it, all knew exactly how to wind him up blah blah, blah.

Trust your gut, it's telling you the truth.

Hassled · 15/06/2014 20:11

Bloody hell - run like the wind. Life is too short to take the risk. Just run.

whitesugar · 15/06/2014 20:13

Honestly Sweet, his behaviour will definitely not change. Don't spend any time agonising over it, it will not change and deep down you know it. Just like I knew it when I heard the history and hoped against the odds that he would change. You will get the same treatment, it is jsut a matter of time, trust me. Look after yourself! I hope you will post to say you have got out of this situation because you are worth so so much more. Best of luck. Get the hell away from him as soon as you can.

VitoCorleone · 15/06/2014 20:14

Avoid like the plague

Original poster
sweetassugarhardasnails · 15/06/2014 20:15

Thank you all, I knew you'd say this. Just when your in the midst of it it becomes so foggy you start to doubt that gut feeling. I will walk, just slowly and carefully.

OP posts:
BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 15/06/2014 20:17

Yes. Just walk.

MrsKCastle · 15/06/2014 20:19

Your instinct is spot on.

As for the 'but I'd never do it to you' line... Yeah, right.

He said that to all his previous gfs as well.

AdoraBell · 15/06/2014 20:20

Tell friends and family too that you need to slowly extricate yourself. Might be worth talking to WA or police DV department.

whitesugar · 15/06/2014 20:20

Charming = dangerous! Please put yourself first and get as far away from him as you can. Picture yourself in a year's years clawing your way back to normality after he has ruined your life - read your words, spat in gf face, tried to suffocate her - this will happen to you. There are lots of men out there who would never ever ever do this to their gf. Don't treat yourself so badly to put up with this.

angryangryyoungwoman · 15/06/2014 20:23

Another one saying no, don't risk it. Not worth the risk.

AnyFucker · 15/06/2014 20:23

Why do you need to walk "carefully" ? Why "slowly" ? It would be best if you ended it, full stop, immediately.

Has he been threatening towards you already ?

Just tell him you are no longer interested and mean it. If he kicks off, call the police.

Original poster
sweetassugarhardasnails · 15/06/2014 20:24

adorabell do you really think there is that level of risk?

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