Can someone change?

[sweetassugarhardasnails]

If in previous relationships a partner had cheated, manipulated, lied, threatened, made gf feel very frightened, got in her face, keyed her car, spat in gfs face, tried to suffocate gf with a pillow whilst she slept and got gf arrested, do you think he can change or will this behaviour slowly start creeping in?

Thanks hellsbells. It feels that he is like teflon

Just gone out to my car and found a big bunch of flowers on them, thought he had gone too quietly.

Ignore ignore ignore. Stand firm. My ex sent me so many flowers that I can't stand them now.

I hope my ex doesnt change. And that his new gf gwts.treated the same way I did.

Brokenhearted, I understand you are in a bad place atm but that is a terrible thing to say

i kind of agree with the first quote,same happened to me in a abussive relationship for 6 years,had all the spitting in your face in public,hitting,strangleing,cheating etc etc

ended when i found him dating somebody from a dateing site while with me,she knew all about us,gossips have said he's changed i bloody hope not let her have the misery and minipulation i stupidly put up with

deep down i dont think they change just put on an act in the beginning,ive heard (my ex and gf) are always arguing in public now (he was a big drinker) as they have been together a year so he is showing his true colours,and yes i hope they make each other as miserable as possible

op dont feel bad about finishing it,one thing i can guarantee men like this find a replacement super fast if they havent already been playing about,that i will bet money on

but reading your post's i dont think you will finish it,and in a few months will be looking for advice again,leave him now while you still have strength before it's all sucked out of you

all the best

I can understand that being hurt can make us think irrationally, but wishing abuse on a subsequent gf is a really awful thing to say. I might be inclined to suggest counselling to anyone harbouring such feelings, because I don't think it's at all healthy.

My horrible ex went on to marry some poor woman. I still worry about her now, and I split up with him nearly 20 years ago.

OP, It was lovely of his ex to message you. I was given a warning about my ex but unfortunately didn't heed it at the time. I was in a nightclub with him when a woman I'd never seen before walked closed to me and hissed in my ear: 'Be careful. He hits women'. I followed her and asked her to clarify what she'd said. She told me she was a good friend of his ex, and that he'd been quite brutal towards her. Sadly, I was young and very naïve and the bf managed to convince me she was lying. (I should've questioned what possible motive she could have had in saying such a thing, unless it were true!)

Anyhow. I'm glad you've told him where to go. Ignore the flowers!

thats your opinion and yes it is a tad unhealthy but thats how i feel,and both didnt mind when they were both being abbussive to me and my children and also doing things to hurt us all,making sure that they turned up to places together where he knew we would be and there was no need for him to be there

so no i dont give a monkeys what she may go through,the same as i dont care what he may go through,but dont expect my view to feel for her,she was aware of him and his actions to a degree,thats her problem now and by accounts the first flush of romance is fading

what i do find difficult is that people will come up to you and tell me what their up to,im tired of this and now just as the person is about to tell me i tell them im not intrested and dont want to here about them,this has happened a few times,why do people feel the need to tell,its starting to work and now people are less likley to mention them to me,which i find much better
anyway enough of me back to you op

The flowers didn't even come inside, I threw them straight in the bin. Had a couple of texts since which I have also ignored. I miss him which is stupid, I mean I miss the good stuff from before I knew who he really was. I have no intentions of texting him or anything, just feeling a bit sad about it all

People can and do change. But those who do are a very small minority and it normally follows a significant, usually traumatic, life-changing event.

When it comes to abusers, it seems something like only 5% change following extended rehabilitation through perpetrator programmes.

A serial abuser who claims to have changed without any of those factors mentioned above is almost certainly guilty of wishful thinking at best and downright lies at worst. He has as much chance of having changed as I have at winning the lottery (which I don't play).

Telling you that he won't be like that with you or that you're 'different' is abuser tactics 101 I'm afraid - because it immediately sets up the idea that the presence of abuse is down to your behaviour, not his.

His persistent chasing of you after you've said no IS awful. He didn't listen to you, he thinks he knows better than you. Be strong op...