Putting the pub first

[PerfectlyPosed]

DP and I have been together nearly 7 years and have just bought a house together. I have also recently found out I am pregnant. Not planned but happy about it.

DP works very hard 6 days a week and is, therefore, out drinking every Saturday night without fail. He gets very, very drunk and often is quite nasty to me when he gets in. I have even recorded some of these conversations in the past but he refuses to listen to them and denies that he has done anything wrong.

This morning I woke up in a foul mood and was looking for an argument from the start. I've admitted that and apologised to him which he seemed to accept. He desperately wanted to play in a darts tournament this afternoon (using the only day off of the week argument as always) which I was happy for him to go to and said that it was probably for the best given my mood. He agreed he would play until he was knocked out and then bring me a takeaway. He left before 2pm.

I've just phoned to find out a rough idea of his home time and it turns out he never got as far as the darts tournament and has no intention of coming home anytime soon. He said he couldn't bear to spend the day with me today and I deserved to be left to stew.

I'm really reaching the end of my tether. I feel like I never come first and I don't know how I can ever change that. I'm terrified that I am going to be bringing up this baby by myself. I love him very much but feel like I'll never be enough for him. His dad is a heavy drinker too and his mum just puts up with it and always has done. I don't want to be the sort if wife that has dinner waiting on the table for him not to show up.

Any advice welcome and thanks for reading

Wow, it all sounds very overwhelming. I'm not sure I have the strength for this. I feel he has ground me down so I can't see anything beyond what we have.

Is there anyone in RL you can confide in ? You said you have a "massive support network". So start telling them the truth of what you are living and with their help, you 6can do this. You did it before, you can do it again and mean it this time^

Of course, if you are aware you don't mean it, don't bother because the message that gives is that he can act precisely how he likes and you are too beaten down to do anything about it. A sad state of affairs in this day and age.

My two closest friends, who I have confided in many times before, are both away until the end of the week. I also don't know if they will take me seriously this time because I have been so adamant that it's been over before and I've gone back. They have enough going on in their own lives to keep listening to my shit over and over again.

I do mean it, I can't go on like this but it is easier said that done. So much will have to change and I just don't know if I have the strength to do all of what is needed. He knows how to get me back on side. I can picture getting home from work this afternoon to a spotless house (if he hasn't gone to work), probably a bunch of flowers and dinner ready. And then usually we will talk, I will cry and then I'll give in because he says he's so sorry and won't do it again.

God, reading everything I've written makes me feel so pathetic. I genuinely thought I was better than that.

You are better than that and you deserve better

The fact is though, no one can do this for you

If you are not ready to draw a final line under all this shit, then you are not ready. I genuinely believe that half hearted attempts to change your situation are worse than doing nothing at all (physical abuse aside)

It comes down to can you live the rest of your life like this or, more plainly, shit or get off the pot

That's the thing, I need to make absolutely sure that I am strong enough to do this because this time I can't come back for more. No one will ever take me serious if I make this step now that there is so much more at stake.

I think I need to get my ducks in a row before I say anything to him tonight though? Make sure I know where I stand legally and financially before I give him marching orders?

I think it is very sensible to get your legals and financials in order. You may be pleasantly surprised. And certainly much less liable to be subtly threatened by him that you could never manage without him.

Have a look here love

I think, financially, I can manage on my own for now but I'm not sure what maternity package my company offer yet.

Thank you for all your advice, you've all really helped me see sense and realise that I deserve better x

Good luck