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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Putting the pub first

59 replies

PerfectlyPosed · 15/06/2014 19:28

DP and I have been together nearly 7 years and have just bought a house together. I have also recently found out I am pregnant. Not planned but happy about it.

DP works very hard 6 days a week and is, therefore, out drinking every Saturday night without fail. He gets very, very drunk and often is quite nasty to me when he gets in. I have even recorded some of these conversations in the past but he refuses to listen to them and denies that he has done anything wrong.

This morning I woke up in a foul mood and was looking for an argument from the start. I've admitted that and apologised to him which he seemed to accept. He desperately wanted to play in a darts tournament this afternoon (using the only day off of the week argument as always) which I was happy for him to go to and said that it was probably for the best given my mood. He agreed he would play until he was knocked out and then bring me a takeaway. He left before 2pm.

I've just phoned to find out a rough idea of his home time and it turns out he never got as far as the darts tournament and has no intention of coming home anytime soon. He said he couldn't bear to spend the day with me today and I deserved to be left to stew.

I'm really reaching the end of my tether. I feel like I never come first and I don't know how I can ever change that. I'm terrified that I am going to be bringing up this baby by myself. I love him very much but feel like I'll never be enough for him. His dad is a heavy drinker too and his mum just puts up with it and always has done. I don't want to be the sort if wife that has dinner waiting on the table for him not to show up.

Any advice welcome and thanks for reading

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Original poster

PerfectlyPosed · 15/06/2014 21:57

*I changed

OP posts:

Squeegle · 15/06/2014 22:00

I agree with those who say it gets a million times worse after the birth of a baby. I'm another one with an abusive alkie ex. It was so horrible being on my own with my alcoholic ex being out, drinking and uncontactable. The responsibility is not shared, you just end up taking on responsibility for the baby and for him too.

How will you cope when he starts being abusive when you are literally holding the baby.

It is an atrocious place to be in, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Get out of this relationship now- there is no reason why he should be horrible to you, once a week or more it's just not reasonable or loving behaviour.

Original poster

PerfectlyPosed · 15/06/2014 22:08

I just know exactly how it will pan out. He will come in tonight, may or may not be nasty. On Saturday nights I am more capable of fighting back but on Sundays I try to at least pretend I'm asleep knowing I have to get up for work in the morning. Tomorrow I will come home from work and he will be waiting with an apology and asking for cuddles and if I'm going to end things. We will briefly talk about how it's not acceptable for him to behave like this and 'all will be ok'. He will probably behave better next weekend but then the following week will start the process over again. I'm tired of it and I feel like I can't talk to anyone in RL until I've made a decision as they are just as tired of offering advice (and my two best friends are both away anyway). I haven't even got dressed today as I have no energy. This relationship is draining me and it will get so much worse when I'm more pregnant.

I need to be strong, I know I do, but it is easier said than done.

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AnyFucker · 15/06/2014 22:14

It is your choice whether or not to stay on the treadmill. You know he will not change.

Take the brave choice, or make like a hamster. Running mindlessly round the same wheel.

Squeegle · 15/06/2014 22:16

I know just what you mean about your energy brig drained away.
From what you've said, it doesn't sound like there is much to enjoy in your relationship. What are you scared of losing? Really?

StickEmAKissOnTheFish · 15/06/2014 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Simplesusan · 15/06/2014 22:27

I second the advice to start making plans to be alone with your child.

Of course you want him to change and put you first , but wanting it is not enough to make it happen.

Trust me it is far better to split now tham allow your child to get to know this ma child and then, years down the line go through the inevitable break up.

The choices you have are either:

Leave now and make a new, happier life for yourself and child, one where you will I. Time meet someone who loves and values you.

Stay with him and tolerate coming second. Life a lonely life with you at home looking after your dcs whilst he goes out getting drunk, without you.

Original poster

PerfectlyPosed · 15/06/2014 22:28

I don't know, I've always been scared of being on my own. When times are good, they're amazing but unfortunately those times are few and far between at the moment.

Funny you say that StickEm, his dad is "not an alcoholic" because he only drinks Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays so not every night of the week. But when he does drink it's A LOT and he's up singing until 2 or 3 in the morning. We used to live there and it was unbearable. His mum is tee total apart from the odd Pimms in summer which generally just sends her to sleep.

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Bogeyface · 15/06/2014 22:29

You say how much you love him.

THink about that for a minute. Do you love him or do you love the man you hope he would be without the drinking? Sometimes we can get so hung up on what could be if only..... that we forget the reality that we are actually living in. Thats what kept in me in an abusive relationship for 4 years and made me drop straight into another one for 3 years. The fantasy of what could be was so captivating that I thought I loved them. When the scales fell from my eyes I realised that the men I had actually been with were not the men I was in love with, they existed purely in my imagination.

Original poster

PerfectlyPosed · 15/06/2014 22:36

Wow Bogey, I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I love him Monday to Friday but come the weekend, he is a different person who I can't stand to be around.

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Original poster

PerfectlyPosed · 15/06/2014 23:20

He's just got home. Came straight upstairs and sat on the edge of the bed. I pretended to be asleep while he repeatedly told me he loves me and he can't wait to have a baby with me. I managed to ignore him till he left the room. No doubt he will pass out on the sofa and not get back into bed until the early hours.

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ThePinkOcelot · 15/06/2014 23:28

OP, please don't put up with this. It isn't a real relationship if it's just Monday to Friday! What happens when the baby comes along, grows in to a toddler and you want to do things at the weekend?! Go to the coast or the park or generally just hang around as a family?! Isn't going to happen is it?! His weekends are sorted and they don't include you.

My sister is living this life. I have been braying my head off a brick wall for 13 yrs! Her dd has has a shit childhood for the exact same reason!

Middledaughter · 15/06/2014 23:29

I completely agree with newname. if things really aren't getting better and he blames you when you ask to discuss something in an adult manner eg all day Sunday in the pub is perhaps a bit immature/worrying if you've been boozing a lot on sat, then leave before the baby is born. I am trying to separate 3 months before our oldest starts school and it is shit for all of us. I wish I'd done it when they were younger but it takes time to realise that you need to go. Sounds like you are getting there.

Good luck.

petalsandstars · 16/06/2014 06:49

As for leaving the baby with him AFAIK if you are breastfeeding there is no realistic overnights until at least a year. So contact would be a few hours - little and often.

Pippinlongsocks · 16/06/2014 07:38

I am sorry you are in this situation. The harsh reality though is that even if you stay with him you will still be bringing up your baby on your own. He won't engage with you now so he won't when there is the added responsibility of looking after the baby. If you stay with him you will end up having him to look him after as well in the context of being left alone by him to do everything. His entitled and selfish attitude will only get worse and once you have the baby you will be even more vulnerable. Don't stay. I have been exactly where you are now and I know I should have got out before my DS was born. Start afresh with your baby. You deserve better.

kaykayblue · 16/06/2014 08:13

To the OP - I really hate to say this, because I think you are taking some big steps here - but this man doesn't love you. The only time he spends with you, he uses to be cruel to you. He avoids you as much as possible on his only day off.

That isn't love.

Even if this man is not an official alcoholic, he sounds like a horrible person. If one of my friends was telling me something like this I would go absolutely bat shit mental with rage.

I can understand that you want your child to have a relationship with their father, but you are not some kind of sorry after thought in all this. You deserve to be happy, and not to have some wanker treat you like shit (which he is). Do you really want you child to grow up believing that's how a woman should be treated in a marriage?

If you do go, (and in all honesty I think you should), then make sure you mean it. Don't just flounce off for a weekend and basically wait for an apology. Your partner will see that for what it is - a flounce, and a threat that you don't intend to keep. To be honest, even if you leave he will probably think "it's fine she will come back if I stop drinking for a few weeks and say nice things, then it can all go back to normal". He has already proved that isn't going to happen. Don't fall for it again.

Original poster

PerfectlyPosed · 16/06/2014 09:00

Thank you for all your comments. As predicted, he passed out on the sofa. I don't know what time he got into bed but the birds were singing. No doubt he will not bother going to work and will then be feeling very sorry for himself by the time I get home.

I know you are all right and that I need to walk away but I need to find the strength. There's also the practical side of things. I have nowhere to go so will have to work out what I can afford as I know he will want to stay in the house.

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AnyFucker · 16/06/2014 09:14

What he wants is probably not what he will get

Does he solely own the house ?

Original poster

PerfectlyPosed · 16/06/2014 09:17

No, we own it together but he basically built it (he sub contracts for the building firm) so thinks he has a higher stake in it than I do. I know that's not true but not sure I have the energy to argue anymore. Sad thing is, I sold my lovely little flat to take this step with him

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AnyFucker · 16/06/2014 09:25

Legally, that would make him wrong

Bogeyface · 16/06/2014 09:27

How much money did you each put in? If you sold your flat then presumably you put in a sizeable deposit, did he put in as much financially as you?

Who did the work is not going to form part of any legals, its who paid what that a judge will be interested in. And given that you will need to provide a home for the baby as well as yourself, you will be considered to be in greater need and will be awarded a share based on that.

Original poster

PerfectlyPosed · 16/06/2014 09:36

Well I was very fortunate to have been given a large sum of money from my Dad when he moved abroad so was able to buy my flat with that. As our relationship has now deteriorated, when I sold the flat, I gave him the majority of that money back as didn't want him to have any hold over me. Therefore, DP and I put the EXACT same amount of money in.

I think the housing thing is the least of my worries at the moment. I will stay at friends houses for a little while until I have worked out what I am going to do. My work don't know I'm pregnant yet so can't talk to anyone here.

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mammadiggingdeep · 16/06/2014 09:44

No- do not leave that house unless its totally unbearable. Get legal advice about getting him out!!! You are pregnant with his child- you should not be dossing at friends houses. Seriously- you need legal advice pronto!!

AnyFucker · 16/06/2014 09:53

Have a look here

Original poster

PerfectlyPosed · 16/06/2014 09:57

Thank you, AF, I will have a read through that later x

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