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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Quick help before I go on this date tonight please?

86 replies

akaWisey · 15/06/2014 16:53

Guy on zoosk. Looking for relationship. Messaged a few weeks ago and he disappeared after giving me his number. I assumed he was player so left it. He got back in contact a week later - he'd been in hospital with an acute attack of a chronic syndrome he's got.

Resumed messaging. By this time I'd arrange another date. I told him this and he said he'd rather not date someone who is multi dating. So we agreed to leave it. 10 days ago - he got back in contact and asked if I was seeing anyone because he wanted to meet if I still wanted to. I said I wasn't so we agreed to meet today.

Lots of contact on phone. He tells me he's spoken to loads of very troubled women online, he did some training as a counsellor and can't help trying to help. Has asked a lot of questions about me - as if he's trying to find the 'issue' in my background. Obviously I'm not going there. So he cancelled our date originally for this afternoon….and asked to meet tonight instead, something about his grown up kids had arranged a surprise dinner for him today. I was pissed off as just about to leave to meet him half way between where we each live. Really got the impression he was bailing and felt a bit defensive. So said look, if you want to call it off just say so I'm cool. But no, he really wants to meet but felt he couldn't blow off his DC's. All very understandable.

So I went online to alter my profile. I'm not online now. Got a text him saying how could you you're online!x. I said yes and your assumption is? He said joking. I said well that's a strange joke.

I think it's strange. Or is it me. Im supposed to meet him at 8 which means leaving at about 7.30. What would you do? He just text to say it's fine if I'm talking to other guys we haven't met yet and why am I being a silly billy.

Sorry, bit long. It was going really quite well, but i'm thinking he's either looking for excuses to bail or he's maybe a bit something I can't put my finger on.

OP posts:

Original poster

akaWisey · 15/06/2014 17:20

You do? I'm tempted to take a look. Public place, absolutely no chance of going anywhere alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

akaWisey · 15/06/2014 17:24

Yes, I agree. Everyone has something. But it's not appropriate to tell all to a complete strange who you don't know and never met. That was my position and to be fair he apparently accepted that. And that there's no issue that I may be talking to others.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/06/2014 17:25

Tempted as you are to meet him I still would not do so. You really do not want to get enmeshed and or potentially further sucked in with such a man who has acted so weirdly to date.

And if your relationship bar was really that high you would not even be wanting to meet him even out of curiosity.

chocolatewine · 15/06/2014 17:28

You haven't even met him and he is questioning what you are doing? I wouldn't bother if i were you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/06/2014 17:29

Such a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and hassle and all before the first date? My gut reaction would be to cancel and block.

"Has asked a lot of questions about me - as if he's trying to find the 'issue' in my background."
That alone would have made me drop him. Sounds too much like someone trying to find your vulnerabilities (imagines Big Bad Wolf gloatingly saying 'All the better to manipulate you with, my dear ...')

Vivacia · 15/06/2014 17:29

First dates are really not supposed to be anything like this in my opinion.

Original poster

akaWisey · 15/06/2014 17:30

No, you're right Attila.

When he phoned to completely cancel it took seconds. He didn't say "but Wisey I want to see you x day and time instead can you make that" it felt final. So when i got a text 15 minutes later saying he could meet at 8 tonight instead that's when I thought he was hoping I'd say no. Which I did. Then i got a call saying "what's wrong, I'm trying to please everyone here, my DC's would be very upset if I blew them out for someone I don't even know". Obviously I don't disagree with that how could I? Perfectly reasonable. But……then the other texts came.

I was played wasn't I?

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Wrapdress · 15/06/2014 17:30

Geez, what a hot mess. Don't waste your time even though I'd love to hear what an in-person meeting with this wack-a-do was like. But really, don't meet him just to indulge my voyeuristic needs.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 15/06/2014 17:32

I'd have bailed as soon as he started messing around about what time to meet. 'Oh what a shame, let me know when might suit you in the next couple of weeks. Tonight? No sorry I can't possibly.'

If you don't want to go, listen to your instinct.

Original poster

akaWisey · 15/06/2014 17:32

I know!!! Astonishing how quick the turnaround has been

wack-a-do I love that!!

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Original poster

akaWisey · 15/06/2014 17:34

ok, will text him to cancel.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:

CatKisser · 15/06/2014 17:35

Tell him you're sorry but you've had to book an emergency session with your psychiatrist

Perfectlypurple · 15/06/2014 17:35

Don't go. Definite weirdo.

SwedishEdith · 15/06/2014 17:38

Did he actually call you a "silly billy" That alone would put me off. Tbh, you already sound like you don't like him. But I agree with the pp - you should go so that you can report back.

Original poster

akaWisey · 15/06/2014 17:38

Yes he fucking well did call me a silly billy

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Original poster

akaWisey · 15/06/2014 17:40

No I've gone off him somewhat….and the first meet would be spoiled by the 'misunderstandings' via stupid text jokes which I don't think were jokes at all

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SwedishEdith · 15/06/2014 17:42

Oh cancel definitely. But leave it until the last minute mean

aylesburyduck · 15/06/2014 17:42

text him and say what expat said at 17.15.

He sounds incredibly hard work and from what you've said quite demanding and controlling.

Say goodbye to this one, chalk it up to experience and keep looking. I think the reaction you get will be telling.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 15/06/2014 17:44

If you want to be nice say you've just had an emergency work item added to your diary (or some other thing that would require getting up early) so you'll need an early night and oh gosh what a shame but can we postpone.

If you don't want to be nice then say you've decided you'd rather not and so sorry for the inconvenience but you're going to have to cancel this evening.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/06/2014 17:44

Was it his choice, a date today? Fathers' Day? Did he really not expect his children to check in with him?

mrsbrownsgirls · 15/06/2014 17:46

I hate the way on MN men don't get the benefit of the doubt ......but agree with everyone on this particular chap. So much effort and you have not even met!

MyFirstName · 15/06/2014 17:46

"You are way too much work. Dating is supposed to be fun. Am cancelling, please do not contact me again"

That'll do it

Original poster

akaWisey · 15/06/2014 17:47

He said he'd completely forgotten and felt a twat, he's hopeless with dates apparently. However, he was with his DD yesterday. I'd have thought a DD who was planning something would take pains to ensure her DF would be there, especially as sunday lunch is a weekly event apparently. it doesn't add up.

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mrsbrownsgirls · 15/06/2014 17:47

Don't make up an excuse.
be honest.
Tell him you have changed your mind and don't wish any more contact with him

mrsbrownsgirls · 15/06/2014 17:48

great suggestion by myfirstname

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