I think you ned to seize control of the narrative. He's been living to a quite separate narrative to the one you thought you were both following for at least a year now (at a guess). Everyone has separate spaces in their heads, and thoughts they don't share but, when you are in a serious relationship, especially with children, you are living a life with quite a high level of shared ideas/goals/aims: and a shared narrative.
So, I read what you're saying and I think that you are still dealing with all that is happening by following the same narrative you were following until very recently. But that narrative was dealing with/constructing a fantasy. not your fault: your partner was keeping a major part of your shared reality to himself - by lying to you. I always think that this "hoarding" of the truth, this peddling of a lie and theft of reality, is one of the worst things that deceptive partners do. It really messes with the other partner's head.
Anyway, no wonder you are still living by way of this "old" narrative: he has had ages to acclimatise himself to the new reality. He's chosen it, in fact. He's managing to control quite a bit of your life at the mment, with you still in shock, still floundering around to try and get a handle on things, still clinging to wreckage from a recent ship-wreck and hoping it will keep you afloat until you get picked up by a passing ship or something.
I honestly think that you need to do several things to seize back a bit of your control.
I would suggest spending some time sitting down to work out what you want. You don;t have to have just one scenario, you can put down lots, and order them, 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. Some may not be possible, eg. "I want to be a woman and mother, married to an amazing, caring, trustworthy and honourable man, who cherishes me. I want a marriage that is a beautiful monument to what humans can achieve through love." Thing is, getting it down on paper helps you get your head around what your motivations are, and how realistic they are, and what is still motivating you - perhaps unrealistically and unhelpfully. Putting a line throguh stuff helps you move forwards, rather than keeping you tied to a past that has gone.
The things you still want, and can have - work towards them with the energy of a woman who knows how to love practically and energetically - just learn to love where it will grow, where the ground is goo. (yourself, for a start).
It's possible that he is having one of those fabled mid-life crises, and wants you to take control and set him some boundaries. But ... perhaps he doesn't, and, most importantly, what do YOU want? Don;t spend too much time letting him control you - when he himself is not in a place to be relied on - and don't let this mean you spend your life running around after hom, rather than asking yourself what YOUR wishes and goals are.
Good luck.