So my husband's elder brother is much older than us, about 75. I just say that to give context. You should probably think of him as a FIL-type rather than a BIL.
He's my husband's only surviving family and they're fairly close. He makes an effort to be a kind/good sort, used to be a lawyer, volunteers.
But he's an absolute pig to his wife, and he thinks sexually harassing women is a way of connecting with them.
I've been with my husband for ten years, married for nearly seven. This is literally the only thing we have ever quarrelled about.
I have tried over and over again to be friends with BIL. At the beginning we had a serious problem with his over-eagerness to hug and kiss and squeeze me, until I had to have a serious talk with him over it and he stopped.
He's one of those who gibbers insults at his wife absolutely non-stop. It is so depressing to be around. For variety he'll "flirt" with a waitress or make a comment about my sexy legs. #grim
The last time we spent time with them (Jan) we had a horrible day out during which I was basically trapped in a car with that bullshit. I managed to keep civil but my husband had a go at me afterwards for being "cold." Hey, it was either that or jump out of the fucking car. Husband and I quarrelled bitterly.
Husband has invited BIL and his wife to ours for the first weekend of July. Cleared it with me first. Fine. Today husband asked whether I'd like to go and see a show with them on the Saturday and then go to see the Tour de France (day out) on the Sunday. No thank you and no thank you. I'll just go to the stables and see you in the evening.
Husband got the hump. I don't want to go see the Tour de France? Really I don't? Really I don't? Am I sure?
We tried to have a talk about it but got nowhere. I was telling him I wasn't mad at him, it was his brother. But I wasn't going to put myself in a position of being trapped with that again. Why would I?
I tried to ask him how he felt but now frankly I regret it. He said, "There's a lot of lovey-doveyness around here but when it comes to a real test of love and tolerance you do this." Oh, and also he said they've been very welcoming to me (I'm foreign) and are his only family. Also I can't judge their marriage.
I said, "Yes, but those things co-exist. He has been welcoming to me and he's also sexually harassed me. And of course I can judge the way he treats his wife, because it's wrong and upsetting to be around."
Why can't the "love and tolerance" thing be BIL's responsibility too? Because, I'm told, he won't change. Oh okay then.
Husband made some comments around how I was winding myself up and no one else had a problem with BIL (except for BIL's step-children who won't let them near his teenaged step-granddaughters anymore but evidently that doesn't count).
I said I could feel a lot better about the whole thing if husband would just acknowledge that I've been doing my best to be civil and it's a lot to put up with. "I don't see it that way," he says and goes up to play with his computer.
Okay, fuck you too.
Just a vent, really.
And anyone who tries to rationalise misogyny to me because he's "old" is going to get their head bitten off (metaphorically speaking).