money stress is ruining my marriage...please give me advice

[bumbleandbumble]

Our lack of money and constant debt is killing us.
Please someone give me advice how to get through this.
Its being going down hill for 3 years...and now we are desperate. My husband refuses to go on benefits even though we would qualify, we argue all the time about money, I am always asking for more and he doesnt have it. He is super stressed and keeps saying the pressure is killing him. He comes home tired and not in the best moods usually. I cant sleep because I worry about losing our house, which makes me grumpy all day. My children are bored and it kills me that they beg me everyday to do all the things we used to normally do, museum days, ballet and gymnastics classes, pizza at a cafe...

I can't find a job that pays enough...and my husband and I seem to blame each other for not making enough...we have not had a single arguement in the last two years that was not about finances.
what to do??

PS: if you want to know what you will be left with, try this calculator:

nedcab.cabmoney.org.uk/bankruptcypoc.asp

I understand you want to forgive him and move forward. My affair analogy still stands though - if only one person is willing to work on the relationship by being transparent and honest then you can't begin to move forward because it's like dragging a clapped out old car up a hill.

He needs to be completely and utterly open with you. File for bankruptcy. Start from scratch discussing all finances, nothing hidden. If he cannot begin to do this then you don't have a relationship to save.

I also agree with SGB. This is financial abuse.

jamie1981 talks sense

This can't be for real.

they can't do all the things we used to normally do, museum days, ballet and gymnastics classes, pizza at a cafe when the bloke's 200k overdrawn at the outset.

Pity party or wind up.

OP, what's your husbands line of business? Do tell so I can punch myself to remember not to go into it.

If this is real?

Start protecting your kids, leave this relationship, set up alone and start giving your kids some simple happiness

Also agree with SGB

How dare you Gungho?
Please do not make assumptions. And this is not a wind up...nor a divorce.
I was never aware of the severity of the debts as we lived a very privelaged lifestyle and he never told me otherwise. Why would I question anything? When business started going down hill in 2010...he made a lot of mistakes and started begging peter to pay paul.
Only now am I realising how bad it is, as is he.

And I am trying to find a sensible way out. I am financially independent. We have nothing owned or shared together. How exactly do you think I will set up alone? I have no home, no job and no family to help me. Do you seriously think that leaving him and going into a shelter with my kids and living off benefits will improve my childrens life? Rather than declaring bankrupt and focusing on getting out the mess together?

thank you jaime...I guess this is the only way.

it sounds scary. what happens if you start making good money? after declaring?

From what you say OP your husband entered the marriage with debts of over 200K - is that correct? If so how did he fund your 'privileged' lifestyle?

Was 2010 really the start of things going 'downhill' financially? Or was that just when all his financial indiscretions came to light?

I understand you want to work this out with your husband, but I think you need to go into the next phase of your relationship with the awareness that after declaring bankruptcy:
a) he must always work for someone else,
b) you must oversee all his financial dealings for the foreseeable future, possibly for life, be constantly vigilant for lies and dodgy dealings
c) bear in mind that if he doesn't intent to change his behaviour patterns as regards finances, there's nothing you can do to make him.

intend not intent ^

It isn't scary. What usually happens is you go to the court, file the papers and wait to see the judge. They are normally very sympathetic.
Then you go home and wait for a call from the administrators, who are a firm of solicitors that deal with this for the whole country. They'll ask you to complete some forms documenting your assets again. It is quite rare for anybody to visit your house.
They won't take your furniture, everything in your kids rooms is sacrosanct, and stuff like washing machines, TVs, etc get left. You just need to be reasonable and recognise that the court is protecting you but also has to consider your creditors - it wouldn't be fair to allow you to go on foreign holidays when these people may have lost out. But you will have enough to pay the bills.
If you have a lot of surplus income, they will put an IPA or IPO in place (one is voluntary, if you don't accept this, then they put an IPO in place) which takes a percentage of that spare cash from you to repay creditors. This lasts for 3 years - after that, what is left is written off. However, if you don't have any spare cash, you won't have to pay anything.
Once you've been discharged after a year, they cannot retrospectively implement an IPO or IPA. However, if you lie to them to avoid paying from surplus income you can find yourself in serious trouble and not discharged from bankruptcy for three years.

Twinkle- I am not sure what debt he had and what debt he got in the last 4 years. All I know is that it was a lot more and it has gotten down to around 200K.

When we first got married he sold his flat and he had that money to keep his business going and he was making and spending a lot of money. Slowly the business went bad and worse and yet we still had very high rent. When kids came along and business was failing we moved further out of London and tried to make do...with me out of work and now trying to get back in, it has been a perfect storm...combined with the fact that he should have given up and found a new job rather than trying to keep his business afloat, and borrowing more.

I am giving him a chance to do something different and I want to.

Thanks jamie...i am looking into it all this week.