Ok I have name changed because I post regularly and I wanted to keep this separate to my usual identity.
A few years ago I got together with my DH and his parents had made it clear they weren't too happy, in particular my MIL. There wasn't any real reason for it but they have a family business and his parents benefit a lot from this business, they wanted DH to continue working there without distractions. He met me when he had split with his previous wife and they hated her. I am not from the UK and have always wanted to move back home so I suppose that was part of their problem with me.
Anyway, I worked very hard to form a close relationship with my MIL, I desperately wanted her to like me and she can be very intimidating.
Things were going well and we were quite close and I was happy.
Then we got engaged and she wasn't overjoyed exactly, nevertheless we carried on going for lunch and spending time together.
Just before the wedding there were problems in the business and they were arguing (DH and PIL) and she phoned me and went crazy on the phone to me about something trivial to do with the guest list for the wedding. I didn't argue back but calmly stood my ground. To be honest I was very shocked because I knew nothing about the arguing between them that went on and it felt like she took this out on me.
From that point on she changed and was frosty towards me. Now I will be honest and say I was very intimidated by her and scared of doing or saying the wrong thing. I wanted her to like me, I loved this woman and was so proud of the relationship we'd had.
Then she had suspected cancer so the whole arguing thing understandable took a back seat as it obviously should. I phoned her at the start and although I tried smooth things over it was so awkward. She just didn't want to know and every time I suggested I come with her to this appointment or we go for lunch or shopping etc she turned me down.
In the end I was very aware she had no interest in sorting things out with me and yes, I know she had other much more important things on her mind but I wanted to support her and be there for her and put our stupid row behind us BECAUSE this was so much more important.
I just wanted to be there for her.
But she blocked me at every turn.
I am deeply ashamed of the fact that I was so intimidated by her that in the end I resorted to texting rather than phoning, she ignored every single text. I texted her the night she went into hospital to say I loved her and was thinking of her. No reply.
We went to see her a couple of days after her operation and it was strained but I took her flowers and bits and pieces. She was politely frosty with me.
When she came home I didn't know what to do because she was making it very clear she wanted nothing to do with me and I didn't want to upset her further so I texted again to say did she need anything, if she did to let me know I'd be right over. No reply.
Then the days became a week and I didn't know what to do. DH wasn't much use and things with MIL were becoming more and more awkward.
Then DH shouted at me one night that MIL was upset because I never phoned or got in touch and hadn't been to see her. WTF.
So I went to see her and mentioned gently that I had texted etc but was scared of intruding on her space and that things had been so awkward because of this silly row. She was really pleasant while everyone was there. When they weren't - not so much.
It was pretty surreal to me because I knew that as pitiful as my efforts had been, I had tried and she had either declined any offers of days out/help/anything or just ignored them and was now denying that I had been in touch at all. I know she got my texts btw.
It turned out she didn't have cancer but that's irrelevant because for the time in hospital we all thought she did, I just mentioned that because she is ok and that's wonderful.
But everything else isn't wonderful.
She drip feeds DSS all the time with little nasty things about how useless I am etc.
There has been nothing but awkwardness and unpleasantness since and everyone believes that I am a heartless bitch who ignored my MIL when she thought she had cancer. Except I know I didn't and so does she.
I had a major operation last year and I didn't hear from her once before the op,during my stay in hospital or after.
Given that I know she is lying that I didn't contact her it didn't surprise me but she made a point of taking ex DIL for lunch the week I got home. This is the DIL she hated btw. Now she is wonderful of course.
I am no angel, but I know I am no monster.
Even to this very day I would love nothing more than for things to go back to how they were when we got along. Except now I think things were just a ticking time bomb and my days with her were numbered.
My DF has cancer and during a silly row with DH tonight I said I didn't want to argue and I had enough on right now because of my DF.
He screamed at me that his DM had cancer and because of the disgusting way I treated her by ignoring her and never contacting her his whole family was now destroyed and that they hated me.
This guts me because I know I did get in touch (and yes I know texts are a rubbish way to contact anyone but I just didn't want to make anything worse and guess what, I did anyway) and she has denied it and makes me look like a liar.
Nobody believes me and that hurts so much.
I just wanted to tell someone because it hurts that everyone thinks I am this cold monster and all I want is things back to how they were.
I know I tried, and sadly I know that whatever I try it won't make any difference.
So sorry for the essay 