No-one believes me

[someonebelieveme]

Ok I have name changed because I post regularly and I wanted to keep this separate to my usual identity.
A few years ago I got together with my DH and his parents had made it clear they weren't too happy, in particular my MIL. There wasn't any real reason for it but they have a family business and his parents benefit a lot from this business, they wanted DH to continue working there without distractions. He met me when he had split with his previous wife and they hated her. I am not from the UK and have always wanted to move back home so I suppose that was part of their problem with me.
Anyway, I worked very hard to form a close relationship with my MIL, I desperately wanted her to like me and she can be very intimidating.
Things were going well and we were quite close and I was happy.
Then we got engaged and she wasn't overjoyed exactly, nevertheless we carried on going for lunch and spending time together.
Just before the wedding there were problems in the business and they were arguing (DH and PIL) and she phoned me and went crazy on the phone to me about something trivial to do with the guest list for the wedding. I didn't argue back but calmly stood my ground. To be honest I was very shocked because I knew nothing about the arguing between them that went on and it felt like she took this out on me.
From that point on she changed and was frosty towards me. Now I will be honest and say I was very intimidated by her and scared of doing or saying the wrong thing. I wanted her to like me, I loved this woman and was so proud of the relationship we'd had.
Then she had suspected cancer so the whole arguing thing understandable took a back seat as it obviously should. I phoned her at the start and although I tried smooth things over it was so awkward. She just didn't want to know and every time I suggested I come with her to this appointment or we go for lunch or shopping etc she turned me down.
In the end I was very aware she had no interest in sorting things out with me and yes, I know she had other much more important things on her mind but I wanted to support her and be there for her and put our stupid row behind us BECAUSE this was so much more important.
I just wanted to be there for her.
But she blocked me at every turn.
I am deeply ashamed of the fact that I was so intimidated by her that in the end I resorted to texting rather than phoning, she ignored every single text. I texted her the night she went into hospital to say I loved her and was thinking of her. No reply.
We went to see her a couple of days after her operation and it was strained but I took her flowers and bits and pieces. She was politely frosty with me.
When she came home I didn't know what to do because she was making it very clear she wanted nothing to do with me and I didn't want to upset her further so I texted again to say did she need anything, if she did to let me know I'd be right over. No reply.
Then the days became a week and I didn't know what to do. DH wasn't much use and things with MIL were becoming more and more awkward.
Then DH shouted at me one night that MIL was upset because I never phoned or got in touch and hadn't been to see her. WTF.
So I went to see her and mentioned gently that I had texted etc but was scared of intruding on her space and that things had been so awkward because of this silly row. She was really pleasant while everyone was there. When they weren't - not so much.
It was pretty surreal to me because I knew that as pitiful as my efforts had been, I had tried and she had either declined any offers of days out/help/anything or just ignored them and was now denying that I had been in touch at all. I know she got my texts btw.
It turned out she didn't have cancer but that's irrelevant because for the time in hospital we all thought she did, I just mentioned that because she is ok and that's wonderful.
But everything else isn't wonderful.
She drip feeds DSS all the time with little nasty things about how useless I am etc.
There has been nothing but awkwardness and unpleasantness since and everyone believes that I am a heartless bitch who ignored my MIL when she thought she had cancer. Except I know I didn't and so does she.
I had a major operation last year and I didn't hear from her once before the op,during my stay in hospital or after.
Given that I know she is lying that I didn't contact her it didn't surprise me but she made a point of taking ex DIL for lunch the week I got home. This is the DIL she hated btw. Now she is wonderful of course.
I am no angel, but I know I am no monster.
Even to this very day I would love nothing more than for things to go back to how they were when we got along. Except now I think things were just a ticking time bomb and my days with her were numbered.

My DF has cancer and during a silly row with DH tonight I said I didn't want to argue and I had enough on right now because of my DF.
He screamed at me that his DM had cancer and because of the disgusting way I treated her by ignoring her and never contacting her his whole family was now destroyed and that they hated me.
This guts me because I know I did get in touch (and yes I know texts are a rubbish way to contact anyone but I just didn't want to make anything worse and guess what, I did anyway) and she has denied it and makes me look like a liar.
Nobody believes me and that hurts so much.
I just wanted to tell someone because it hurts that everyone thinks I am this cold monster and all I want is things back to how they were.
I know I tried, and sadly I know that whatever I try it won't make any difference.
So sorry for the essay

& fuck trying to please the outlaw-she's a cunt & will always hate you.

Oh & I'm sorry if my replies seem harsh but your posts have infuriated me cos I know-without a shadow of a doubt-that you will continue to put up with this shit & you really, really shouldn't.

No one's family falls apart because someone who married into the family didn't contact someone who openly didn't like them when they were ill.

Stop prostrating yourself in front of this woman, it's demeaning.

I'd end the relationship with him too.

You can't change other people, but you can change yourself.
You need to reclaim your self-respect.

You need to look at the situation objectively.
You need to do what is best for you.

This is a very dysfunctional family. It is not your responsibility to fix them. (Impossible anyway). There is something in you (perhaps the culture you are from?) that made you think it is your duty to bend over backwards to win this bitch's love. I think you realise now that was never going to happen. Well don't be ashamed of the mistakes you made in the past. That is water under the bridge. Start dealing with the present.

You are never going to have a healthy relationship with her. She is incapable of it. So don't waste your time on her. You married your husband, not his mother. She has been fucking up his life long before you were on the scene. He knows this deep down, but is intimidated by her. That's why it's easier to make you into the scapegoat rather than face up to the real problems in his family.

Now he needs to make a decision. Is he going to carry on letting his mother dictate the rules? Or is he going to start living his own life as an adult with his wife?

If (hopefully) the latter, he needs to admit to you what you both already know - she has a pattern of rewriting history; you have bent over backwards to please her, but she will always be impossible to please; you do NOT have to prove anything to him, MIL or anyone else in the family about sending text messages, because he knows you are honest and he knows she lies. From now on you will stand up for each other against any other crap from her or anyone else in the family. From now on he will not allow his family to come between you.

So you also have to make a decision - if he is not going to commit to you and the marriage , then you leave. I totally disagree with holeinmyheart on this point. She has settled for a husband who does not take her side. That's not acceptable. You deserve better. You are entitled to a happy marriage with a grown up man, not this sham. Your father is seriously ill. You should be focussed on him, and any husband worth his salt should be supporting you at this time.

One way to start the conversation with him might be to show him this thread?

I'm infuriated on your behalf.

I suppose your husband has been phoning your dad regularly? Popping over? Bringing flowers? Offering his services should they be required?

Fucking sexist double standards.

No no no, never ever show threads to the other person - it will only cause more problems because you have "aired dirty linen" and as he doesn't believe your version of events anyway, what good will it do to show him people's response to your version? It's not going to magically make him believe it, he's just going to be livid because you've told other people about your "story" to gather sympathy.

I'm very sorry to say it but I also think your marriage is dead in the water. He doesn't believe you, he's blaming you for all the friction in his family (WTAF??) and he has now said it's fine for you to not be there when he gets back.

My response to that would be "ta-rah then I wish you joy of your lying manipulative cow of a mother".

Do please leave him.

What ManfromAtlantis said. I would not show him this thread though because he will dismiss us as being a lot of old men hating harpies.

You also need a safe outlet.

I was wondering what conditioning you yourself were given to try and mend fences with his totally dysfunctional mother in the first place. You need to break that. It was never going to work because she hates all what she sees as competition to her son. She wants to still be Number 1 in his life.

Your H is very much in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his mother and would rather blame you for everything rather than accept the truth regarding his own birth family. Your H's primary loyalty should be to you but it clearly is not and he's giving the impression that he could not care less about you. You simply cannot remain in a marriage when you have been assigned the scapegoat role. Money does not compensate fully for familial contempt shown towards their chosen victim over the years and wills can and do get altered.

OP, you shouldn't go through all this because they don't believe you. Your self esteem seems shot to pieces, I doubt it is of your own doing.
How this whole thing is spanning out is not normal. Stop being a people pleaser, it doesn't please them.

I know this is the trivial part of the thread and I am only bringing it up because of the other wonderful advice you have been given above.

Could you not contact your old mobile phone company and access the billing? It would show your text messages to your MIL, not the content but the fact that you were texting her. At this stage I would do that just to prove she was lying.

What a shit situation to be in.

yeah, that's a god point. How often is your husband visiting your dad? ON his own? Calling him too?

How are things today OP? Has your DH apologised?

You said yesterday that you had told your H you wouldn't be there when he cam back from the hobby he is doing today. I think you would be better staying where you are and kicking his sorry ass out.

Not surprising he has already had one failed marriage. How old are your DC?

Dear me, i can't accept as pitiful as my efforts had been . You bent over backwards and let her walk on your back; you tried again and again when you were flogging a dead (and poisonous) horse. She is one horrifying and terrifying woman, I agree, but for all the wrong reasons.

IF your husband wakes up from his denial fog (and stops pushing the blame onto you, who did no wrong! at all!), IF he 'leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife' and honours your marriage properly, THEN get away from this horrifying woman for ever . I doubt he's going to want to do that though, OP, I'm sorry. In which case, you have to do it alone. I'm so sorry.

It may have been cultural that you flogged a relationship with this horrifying woman but she will continue to pull out all the stops to make your life hell at every turn. You have no chance if your husband isn't by your side against her (which is what it has to be, there can be no middle ground).

Are you married to him yet? Sorry, I'm confused about the details. If you're not married then please don't go ahead with the marriage into this terrible family.

I would definitely contact your old phone company and get a copy of your phone bill. I'm certain they have to keep records for a few years before they can be removed forever.

Unfortunately it does seem like you have crossed her once and she is punishing you for not giving her, her way re the guest list.

Your emotional energy is going to waste here. Just remember that.

Also your husband - I'm wondering if your mil is poisoning him against you? Nevertheless his attitude to the situation is bleak and you seem powerless against these people. I can tell from your posts that you really don't want to leave either. I wish I could give you some better advice but I'm at a loss when folk behave like that because it just isn't rational.

Take care of yourself.

Contact the phone company now. I'm sure they're all open on a Saturday.

If you leave your husband over this then your Toxic MIL will be absolutely delighted. You need to remain in your marriage and be very happy and outlive the nasty piece of work. She is his Mother and he should love her, but you sleep with him. You hold the trump cards. I know as I have three DIL's. ( boy do I try hard with them) Your MIL will only triumph if you let her control the shots. You do need help with your self esteem though, before your marriage and you are destroyed by this situation. You know it is her not you so that is a good start. Just stop mentioning her in a confrontational way with your DH as it puts him in a position where he has to choose between two people he loves. Keep careful records of all you do for her in the future but above all try and get to a state of indifference to this woman who is dominating your life. Remember all us Mumsnetters are on your side ! Lots of hugs and kisses and a pox on the old witch.

erm, he's not much of a prize as things stand, hole. OP can slog away at this terrible situation until she's blue in the face, it won't change unless H wakes up. At the moment he's pushing poisonous MIL's agenda big time, why on earth would anyone fight for that?? It's not the pinnacle of all achievements to be married, especially not into this family and certainly not to this man at the moment.

It has nothing to do with 'winning' against the MIL, it's about OP protecting herself from this awful woman. If her husband wont come with her then she has to protect herself. It would be a terrible marriage if poisonous MIL isn't put in her place outside it. God forbid that OP should bring any children into this - which, if they split (which is inevitable the way things are going), she'd be tied to him and her in perpetuity

It's baffling OP and they don't deserve the efforts you have made. I think about my own MIL, and she couldn't be nicer despite the fact that I don't share her (v strong) faith. But although I've spent lots of time with her over the years, and occasionally gone shopping and for lunch together, it is my DH who is obviously the main link. It would be unusual for me to call her for a chat, or for her to call me. But that doesn't reflect the fact that I don't care about her. The pressures on you, from his family or self-inflicted, are just too high.