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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone ever left home due to the behaviour of their children?

63 replies

MillieMummy · 13/06/2014 19:22

Hit a new low here.

DD came back from yr 6 week away today; everyother child got off the coach and hugged their parents. My DD kicked me because I tried to hug her; apparently I am embarassing.

DH is out - tomorrow I am planning to leave for the weekend to let DH and DD sort this out. Things have been difficult for a while; DH is keen that we are concilatory ie listen to her and try to maintain a good relationship. I feel that I have gone beyond this now.

Don't know what else to do; can a parent and child do relationship counselling?

OP posts:

strawberryangel · 13/06/2014 19:25

Good lord, she's 6! You can't leave her!

defineme · 13/06/2014 19:25

Yes family counselling is an option.
that sounds awful-is that typical?

strawberryangel · 13/06/2014 19:25

I don't mean you can't spend a day away from her, btw, but you can't 'leave her' due to her behaviour!

Lilaclily · 13/06/2014 19:26

Year 6 so age 11?

restandpeace · 13/06/2014 19:26

Shes 10/11

defineme · 13/06/2014 19:28

She will be 11 if in year 6.
I think a weekend away for space is different-i am not saying you should go but I assume you didn't mean fir good.
Parentline might be worth asking for advice

Original poster

MillieMummy · 13/06/2014 19:28

She's 10 in year 6. Behaviour towards me is increasingly bad, she's rude and has no respect for me.

I'm shocked that she actually kicked me because I tried to hug her.

OP posts:

clam · 13/06/2014 19:29

So, is this typical behaviour for her towards you? Nothing that could just be put down to being very tired and grumpy from a long and tiring week away?

HexBramble · 13/06/2014 19:30

Sounds like there's a lot more to this OP. It sounds like this is the straw that broke the camels back and you feel that your relationship is breaking down?

I'm certain that there are counsellors out there to help seal these cracks. What else has been going on?

callamia · 13/06/2014 19:31

Family therapy? It sounds like doing this pre-teenage years might be a real opportunity to change things for you.

educationrocks1 · 13/06/2014 19:31

Strawberry OP said year 6 week away not 6yrs old! so i'm assuming she's taking about a 10/11yr old.

Sorry OP i don't have any advice but it must be very difficult and frustrating for you. Hope somebody with good advice comes along soon.

strawberryangel · 13/06/2014 19:31

Right, sorry, I thought she was 6. Difficult behaviour, and I do think she needs to understand how much she's upset you.

Just be careful not to withdraw completely though, whatever the reasons for her poor behaviour, she needs to understand that she is loved at all times.

Lilaclily · 13/06/2014 19:31

Often when they come back from trips away they're tired & emotional & struggle how to be your dc again when they've been independent for the time they were away

What she needs is to know you're there

It'll make it worse, surely if she knows you'll go if she behaves badly ?

MmeMorrible · 13/06/2014 19:31

But she's just come back from a week away - how will you going away for a further few days help?

Avoiding her isn't going to solve this. Threatening to leave her is hardly going to build confidence and trust between you. She sounds angry - what could be making her feel angry or resentful?

Original poster

MillieMummy · 13/06/2014 19:38

Family therapy sounds like a good option.

I have no idea why she is angry - she is well behaved at school and does well, she has been supported by DP and I in everything she does. She isn't spoiled but we are lucky enough to be able to afford to buy things/go on holiday.

I really don't see what I am doing wrong.

I kind of get the 'my mum is embarassasing' thing but surely most 10 yr olds would hug their mum after a week away - every other child in the class did.

OP posts:

defineme · 13/06/2014 19:38

I would send her to bed now and then in the morning I would lay out my expectations and consequences (selling technology would be involved).
I would attempt to redirect her too. If you are alwsys theone eho makes her do her hhomework etc then I would put that onto dh wherever possible. take the pressure off your relationship. Dh can send her to bed, remind her to pack her bag, not let her out til homework done etc.

ladygracie · 13/06/2014 19:45

My son came back from a trip. Most of the kids did not hug their parents when they got back but clearly this is not the only issue. If you think it will help then you should do it. Is DP supportive of your idea?

MmeMorrible · 13/06/2014 19:46

How did you deal with the kicking incident, what did you do & say
Did you voice out loud in her earshot that you wanted to leave her?

SanityClause · 13/06/2014 19:46

If she doesn't want to hug you, don't make her. She doesn't have to do what everyone else does. Hugging your mother out of duty sounds awful.

Obviously, kicking is unacceptable, and she needs to learn that If she doesn't want to do something, she needs to talk about it, not lash out physically. No violence has to be a "house rule".

goshhhhhh · 13/06/2014 19:48

Family therapy is a good idea & also look at NVC. Us you Dd hitting puberty?

Haffdonga · 13/06/2014 19:54

My dcs would have died of embarrassment if I'd tried to hug them in year 6. I don't think I've been able to publicly hug either of them since nursery. You have unrealisitic expectations there, perhaps.

Your dh sounds like he's taking a sensible approach by listening and keeping the communication going, but how on earth are you helping or would you be able to get this sorted out if you leave your dd for the weekend?

Original poster

MillieMummy · 13/06/2014 20:01

I didn't react at the time; TBH I was so shocked I didn't know how to react.

She is reading puberty and is clearly tired after a week away.

I can accept that she didn't 'want' to hug me but surely not unreasonable to accept my hug.

I haven't told her I want to go; DP is out, will discuss with him in the morning.

OP posts:

IsItMeOr · 13/06/2014 20:01

Have you tried the books that I regularly recommended on here? I'm thinking about How to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk, Lovebombing and The Explosive Child. They all suggest approaches for dealing with issues between parent and child, and one or several of them might click for you.

DS is a lot younger (5), and appears to have SEN, but I've certainly find some of the ideas in all those books helpful for navigating our relationship so far.

IsItMeOr · 13/06/2014 20:03

I get that "so shocked I don't know how to react" sometimes too. It's okay to cool off and figure out a way to deal with it later - kind of like time out for parents...

PortofinoRevisited · 13/06/2014 20:09

my dd is 10 and would not hug me in public. i would have words though if she kicked me. i would put it down to being tired and probably she was happy to see you really, but hormones make them not know how to handle the emotions. i wouldn't be leaving home over it. i would plan some simple activity just for the 2 of you over the weekend.

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