Anyone ever left home due to the behaviour of their children?

[MillieMummy]

Hit a new low here.

DD came back from yr 6 week away today; everyother child got off the coach and hugged their parents. My DD kicked me because I tried to hug her; apparently I am embarassing.

DH is out - tomorrow I am planning to leave for the weekend to let DH and DD sort this out. Things have been difficult for a while; DH is keen that we are concilatory ie listen to her and try to maintain a good relationship. I feel that I have gone beyond this now.

Don't know what else to do; can a parent and child do relationship counselling?

[pilates]

My friend's son behaves like this but he has aspergers, I'm presuming your DD hasn't any special needs?

[lljkk]

I often feel like that OP, have some on me.

[Haffdonga]

Millie on the face of it a parent temporarily leaving home because your ten year old didn't want to hug you is a MASSIVE overreaction. So massive that I'm sure that there actually is far more going on between all 3 of you that you probably don't want to tell us.

Of course kicking is unaccetable and that needs dealing with but again, on the face of it, what message does your walking out for the weekend give your dd?

(Perhaps that your love is conditional on her acting like the other kids in the class, or that you aren't happy she's home, or that she's unloveable or that you don't care enough to stick around and talk to her or that sulking or running away is how to deal with problems?) I'm not saying that any of these things are true, btw, but it seems that this is one of those times when you have to act the grownup and model the way of tackling problems that you'd like your dd to learn.

[FantasticButtocks]

That sounds very hurtful.

What you do next will teach her about how to resolve or deal with arguments and/or hurt feelings.

She is only 10, so she still has lots to learn about how to behave and how to deal with difficult feelings. And she is going to be learning it from you. So if you leave home, then what message are you giving her about what to do when you feel hurt/angry/upset?

I think you need to talk to her. To say that obviously kicking someone is wrong and is not a way to deal with anything, and will not be accepted. The way to sort things out is by talking. You could explain that you felt very hurt when she kicked you for trying to hug you. Try and find out why she did that. Obviously you are the adult, but you are still allowed to say if something has upset you.

She is saying she is embarrassed by your hug. You could ask her if that is really true. And if it is, let her know that if she prefers not be hugged in front of her friends, then you won't. But she must talk to you when she has a problem, not kick you. You will behave respectfully towards her and you expect her to do the same to you and every other person.

Perhaps someone on the trip wasn't nice to her or teased her, making her feel embarrassed that they should see you hug her?

If you have been struggling with many issues like this with DD, then maybe a bit of family therapy would help you all. Best of luck

[superstarheartbreaker]

My dd is 5 and if she is tired she will hit me if I try to hug her. Its not personal but ot does hurt.sometimes it is a case of 'where have you been for a week?'
When dd was 3, I went away for teo days and left her with mum. When I came back she spent about 10 minutes throwing toys at me as she was so annoyed id been away! It was comical bless her.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Two

[Isetan]

OP I don't get this statement, "I can accept that she didn't 'want' to hug me but surely not unreasonable to accept my hug". If she didn't want physical contact at that time then she wouldn't make the distinction between the giving and receiving of a hug. Hugs asides, her physical attack was unacceptable and it very much sounds like there needs to be some sort of intervention. I can understand your dissapointment and frustration but moving out won't help. I would talk to your H and maybe he should take the parental lead until counselling has been arranged. However, physical violence is an absolute no no and you and your DH need to be firm and united on this.

Right now I think it unreasonable to have expectations of affection from your daughter and her rejection of you will only hurt. Take a step back and get professional support.

[weatherall]

My first thought is aspergers.

DS is like this. He has hit me before. Hugging is out of the question.

OP do some reading up on aspergers in girls (it's subtly different between the sexes) and see if any more of it rings a bell.

[Isetan]

Can we hold off on the Aspergers talk, there's not enough info here to make that leap just yet.

[goshhhhhh]

My Dd is in yr7 - so is 12. We have had a great relationship & the last year has been hard. Things have been better recently & it has taken a bit to get there. There have been moments in the last year where I literally couldn't say anything right - telling her her eye makeup looked lovely caused ructions. And it is just me- with DH it is fine. She hasn't started her periods yet & there does seem to be some hormonal pattern to it.

It is normal for them to disconnect from you when hitting puberty (which is why I asked). I also think it is some kind of female to female thing which is why she has been better with DH. It has taken a lot of chatting in calmer moments & even some are you feeling cross but don't know why (my hypothesis is some form of pmt - & General teenagerness) & real clarity about what is and isn't acceptable & lots of ignoring the small stuff. I think it is all starting earlier. It is really hard - I've been in tears & I'm normally quite good at this stuff .

[goshhhhhh]

So what I'm trying to say is you have my every sympathy! Try & remember you love her & keep at it. It foes get better, honestly. (& then it will probably get worse again ??)

[MrsCripps]

After a week away from your parents for the first time its only natural that things will have "changed".

Mine were a mixture of weariness, happiness to be home and they grow up a little bit.

Kicking is completely out of order .
Once mine got to 10/11 then I found they preferred a bit of space physically. DD particularly was going through puberty and a bit irritable at times.
DS1 was always a cuddle hound and still is

You are approaching this by looking at your needs and not your DDs needs- wanting to leave is a massive overreaction imho.

Kicking is completely wrong though and I would discuss this with her and ask her why she did it.

[KouignAmann]

My DD1 was like this (and still is sometimes even at 23!)
She would be angelic all day in school then come out and shout and hit and rage at me on the way home. I think it was a release after the effort of behaving at school. Then safe old mum appears and whoosh! all the angries come out. I used to arrive with a bun like a lion tamer and let her run around a bit at the park with her friends.
I think it helped to have a quiet chat about it when she was mellow like at bedtime when we were all cosied up reading or listening to music. And we spent some mum and DD time together shopping and doing stuff at weekends. but she is a very fierce person and she always out argues me because she is very clever. I have resorted to "you have to do X because I am your mum and I say so!" when I have lost an argument. I think she needed boundaries and I had to enforce them although by nature I hate confrontation and am very easy going.
The hardest part was when my marriage broke down and I moved out of the family home. She was very angry with me and adopted some of her EA DFs behaviour with me. This took a year or two to settle down but now we have a lovely adult relationship (although I still annoy her a lot just like my DM does me!!)
I do still find her harder to love than her siblings but she has strengths I admire hugely too.
It is okay not to like her behaviour very much sometimes!!

[IWillYeah]

Sympathise.

My DS has Asperger's and his behaviour at times has driven me to walk out of the house in tears. I have had a few holidays away from my family over the years because i was at breaking point. Maybe you DO need a break?

Have YOU thought about some counselling? I have psychotherapy (for various reasons) but one upshot of it is that I find it much easier to deal with my own emotions around DS's issues/behaviour, and am better placed to deal with it all as a result.

On another note, I remember waiting at the school gates with my mum for my (then 8 yr old) sister to arrive back from a school journey. We had missed her so much. I ran up to her as she got off the coach and she pushed me in to the road and told me to 'shut up'. I think a combination of over-tiredness, embarrassment and anxiety got the better of her. I'm not excusing that behaviour, but some children are just overwhelmed by this sort of situation.

Hugs to you.

[Fairenuff]

OP is there more to this or are you seriously suggesting leaving for the weekend based on this one incident?

[Quitelikely]

I don't think you're thinking straight, with respect. I cannot for the life of me understand why you would want to leave your life because your child rejected a hug. My dd did not give me a hug after she returned from her trip. She was rather annoyed to be back with me but I took that as a sign all went well on the trip away.

This is not about you. It's about your daughter. She hasn't really done anything wrong. Have you told her you're going? Did you ask why she kicked you?

[NettleTea]

My DD is being assessed for ASD - she is 13 1/2 and has always been a bit 'tricky' but being very bright and confident in a small school any spectrum issues had been completely masked. Hormones kicking in often accentuate any ASD traits too

[Wrapdress]

There is a great forum for parents of difficult kids called conduct disorders dot com. Some of the kids have a dx of some kind or another and some don't. It's helpful to talk to other parents who have BTDT. There is definitely a theme of "no touching" these kids. They don't like it and you don't want to force them to be touched. As mentioned above, The Explosive Child is a great book, too.

[turnaroundbrighteyes]

The bit that she "should" accept a hug from you makes me wonder. Did she kick you in response to your hug or to make you let go after trying to pull away from your hug and you not letting her?

[littlewhitebag]

My DD's are not huggers. I know they wouldn't like any public displays of affection and would never have tried to hug them after a trip away. They are better now they are 16 and 21 but still not overly big on hugging. Is there more to this than you have said on here?

[LoisPuddingLane]

Kicking is unacceptable and needs to be handled, obviously. But do not EVER let her get wind of the fact that you are thinking, even if only in frustration, of leaving.

My mother was always leaving/threatening to leave (not because of me) and I still think everyone is going to leave me.

[FindoGask]

"This is not about you. It's about your daughter. She hasn't really done anything wrong."

Well, apart from kicking her mum when she tried to give her a hug, that is.

However, it is good to see some humane and thoughtful advice here, in amongst the usual staggering mumsnet obtuseness.

[educationrocks1]

"This is not about you. It's about your daughter"

This always makes me laugh when i see it on MN (used inappropriately) of course it's about her! it's about both of them.

and just for the record, she has done something wrong, you don't kick your mother or anybody for that matter, no matter how tired you are!

[getthefeckouttahere]

Trouble is Isitmeor, if that time out is too regular or too long.

DD has behaved utterly unacceptably and there has to be

1. Explanation of how and why that behaviour is unacceptable
   
2. A clear proportionate response to that unacceptable behaviour.
   

I firmly believe that these things need to happen almost immediately. Otherwise they believe that the behaviour is acceptable and by the time they are tackled and punished they actually come to believe that they are being victimised.