MIL meltdown - please make me be sensible

[minifingers]

Background: been with DH 20 years, married 15 years. MIL has always behaved in a 'correct' way with me, polite, kept her opinions to herself (mostly), but I have always felt a lack of genuine warmth and liking from her. Two days before we got married she told me she had a 'very bad feeling about this wedding', and she wasn't sure why. I never repeated it to DH, but I was devastated and it cast a cloud over the wedding for me. I have held it in my heart ever since. I have no idea why she felt she had to tell me that, other than to spoil my happiness and make me feel anxious.

Any way, roll on 15 years. DH and I have been fine, 3 children, a stable and happy marriage. The main difficulty in our life has been with our oldest, who is now nearly 15. We've had 2 years of absolute hell from her (violence, verbal aggression, school refusal), and earlier this year she went to stay with MIL as I had got to the point where I was on the verge of a breakdown with it. MIL lives just around the corner and we are back and forth from her house 3 or 4 times a week, as DH likes to visit a lot and helps her care for his dad, who is very disabled from a stroke. DD has been fine with MIL - compliant, helpful, polite, and very patient and good humoured with my FIL who is quite senile, incontinent, and who drives MIL mad. It's been good for dd being there and feeling useful and loved, and I'm very, very grateful to MIL.

To cut to the event which has upset me, yesterday dd was sick at school, and I picked her up half way through the day and bought her home. I had to be at work at 7.40 last night, and so drove dd over to MIL's on the way there. I was running late, so dropped her at the front door and started to drive off. As I did so I saw SIL walking down the road, and she flagged me down. I stopped and said hello, and we had a very brief discussion about why I was dropping dd back. I didn't get out the car.

I was just telling her I had to go as I was late for work when in my wing mirror I saw my elderly and not very fit MIL pelting down the road towards us in her dressing gown with a face like thunder, gesticulating angrily. It transpired she was furious that I hadn't come in and said hello when I'd dropped dd off. She told me she felt like I was treating her home as a travel lodge and that she was very angry with me. I just looked at her and said 'sorry, but I'm very late for work and couldn't stop', to which she answered 'well you could stop to talk to SIL'. SIL pointed out that she'd flagged me down and that I was just leaving. I said, 'I'm sorry that you feel like that, but I can't stop now', and drove off, shocked and shaken.

It sounds so trivial but I've been on the verge of tears all day today and feel like I don't want to see her again. All the feelings of not being liked that I've always had in her company, which I've pushed down for 2 decades, have come bubbling to the surface and I'm really distraught. Her fury was so out of proportion with my 'crime' - dropping dd off without coming in - I can only assume there's a whole heap of baggage there that is the real reason she's angry with me. I see her at least twice most weeks, DH talks to her every day and goes over at least 3 times a week. It's not like we've just dumped dd and left MIL to get on with raising her for us. Just to complicate things further, while dd is awful at school and sometimes with dh, I've been the main target of her teenage angst, and have been on the receiving end of some really horrible personal abuse from her. She tells me I'm the cause of all her problems and she behaves badly because of me. She can't explain why, but she's adamant it's all my fault. All of it. She has campaigned to try to get me to leave home so she can live with DH, and for me to just go away. I feel like a failure as a parent and suspect that my MIL compares me with my SIL's, whose teenage children are all polite, hard working, loving, well behaved. I feel judged and disliked.

I hate people being angry with me. Really, really hate it.

Is it crazy of me to be so upset about this? I'm beside myself about it. My current feeling is that a million wild horses couldn't drag me over to her house again. I hate confrontations and feel humiliated.

Op if you really believe she doesn't like you, what can you really do about ? Nothing. You csnt force people to like you. One of my bosses at work took a dislike to me for no reason other than jealousy

Except she feels this way and don't put any more energy in to it.

It would have pissed me off too, what she said. But to be fair as family's go a couple of times in fifteen years is good going.

Mini I think you need to take a step back.

The comment 2 days before your wedding was not nice, but many MIL's have issues with their DIL's. Bear in mind that women of your MIL's generation are likely to have had negative experiences relating to racism and how that impacts on mixed race relationships, it might not have been about you per say.

I think her massive over reaction is a sign she is struggling with all her responsibilities and the stress. My MIL used to blow up like this occasionally and it would become evident that she was stressed about other things and often underappreciated.

Rather than over react as you are doing, in your position I would take her some flowers and apologise saying you are sorry, you didn't mean to upset her and that you really appreciate her help with dd.

Extend the olive branch, let it go.

Maybe her hostility isn't really about you though?
Maybe she just lashed out because as you have said yourself, she is very tired, not well and caring for your FIL, which sounds more than a bit soul destroying tbh.

For your own wellbeing, I suggest you forgive her outburst, apologise to her for not stopping in and be kind to yourself so you can manage the stress you are under.

Poor you. You sound stressed and at the end of your tether. Not surprising considering what's going on in your life and not surprising that your MiL's outburst was the last straw

So what happens now? I honestly can't tell from the above whether your MiL is a conniving bitch who has poisoned your dd against you, or a put-upon saint. I suspect neither - just a flawed human being trying to deal with a lot. So I can't give you advice about her.

I will advise you not to let your dd push you out of home. No matter how much she blames you for her misery it would be the last thing she wants. I suspect her self esteem is so low that she is pushing you to reject her in order to validate all the bad things she feels about herself.

The comment your MiL made about your wedding, are you sure she was worried about your marriage rather than the wedding itself? Because she said wedding, right? My mother had plenty of misgivings about my wedding (largely to do with the 'gangster and molls 1920/30s theme I believe) but she had no concerns about the marriage.

It would be a pity to base a lifetime of antipathy on a misunderstanding.

Minifingers -
I'm sorry to hear about all the problems you are trying to cope with.

Having a teenager go off the rails must be incredibly stressful. Mine is an absolute angel, but I have friends who are great parents (I think) but their teenagers have been hell.

I agree with the people who said MIL's comment before your wedding was NOT acceptable. That is just NOT what normal people do. It seems pretty spiteful to me, or at least incredibly insensitive. And she has basically been cold to you for 20 years - not nice to live with. So the latest episode is really just the final straw. The issue is not this particular incident - it is the ongoing problems that are being swept under the carpet rather than sorted out.

What I am intrigued by is some of the things you don't say -

There is zero mention of your relationship with your husband! Are you close? Do you talk? You only talk about him as a dutiful son or parent. "He is trying to keep everyone happy". It sounds like you live together but barely know him! Why did you not discuss MIL's comment with him somewhere along the line? When was the last time just the two of you discussed the options re daughter, MIL, FIL etc etc.

Why do you keep saying you might have to leave your own home? Because your teenage daughter says so???? What on earth is going on here? What about when she started blaming everything on you - What did husband do? Did you present a united front - or did he stand idly by?

Also - Where do your own relatives fit into this picture?

Man, I didn't tell DH what his mum said before our wedding because he loves her a lot and I didn't want him to feel conflicted. I still don't. He is a good person, makes me laugh a lot, is a brilliant dad and his life is hard enough already without having to worry about conflict between his wife and mother.

Re: me wanting to leave home, if dd comes home and there isn't a radical change in her behaviour I will have a breakdown. She's so controlling and oppositional with me that I'm in a constant state of fear, anxiety and anger when she's around. I can't live that way. I don't want her to go into care, and anyway, I doubt they'd take her. The other option would be family, but as you can see from this thread, that doesn't work well either. She did spend a few months loving with my mum and sister, but they live too far away for her to commute comfortably to school, and in any case, they can't cope with the stress of having her really.

mini

have you considered therapy. I think that it would be helpful

you have so many predictive definites that it might allow you to see other ways and other options
it will also allow you to see and discover the role you play in a situation

I think you need to give your MIL some slack with the recent incident. You just dropped your DD at her house without some explanation. Did she know that DD was sick? Taking care of two sick people when you are old is asking a lot.

And, moreover, if your own mother and sister couldn't cope with the stress of your DD, how do you think your MIL is coping with an unwell husband on top of that? I know you said you were grateful but little info-sharing about the care of your DD is helpful, especially if your DH is not available to do it.

You and her don't have to like each other. Civil and polite will do. You don't need her approval and you should stop seeking it. However, you both share the same end goal of helping your DD. I understand why your DH is the main point of contact because its less antagonizing to your DD and its easier for him to converse with his own mother. You have to do your bit of information sharing when your DH can't.

I feel like there's something deeply unpleasant about being beholden to someone who has contempt for you.

Your MIL might feel the same way. She is beholden to you because she loves her granddaughter. She can control her, whereas you cannot. She may feel she has no choice but to look after your daughter. Rotten if you appear rude and ungrateful to her (thus reinforcing her prior opinions of you).

If I were you, I'd be begging the MIL to advise me on how to handle my daughter. She is successful at it. I'd be calling her every night! I would leave that to my husband. You and your daughter have a problem, so why are other people doing all the work? I wouldn't care if she hated my guts and said so. I'd only care about learning her secret and applying to my own relationship with DD.

I'd be making a plan with MIL to be in the company of DD for short time periods, e.g. the three of you have a cup of tea and a chat about what you did today when you drop her off. I'd watch and learn, take her advice on how to handle any carry-on from DD.Ddiscuss how it went privately with her later. She could have a similar debrief with your daughter when you are gone.

Instead you avoid your MIL, let your DH do all the returning of favours, and generally hide away moaning woe is me by the sounds of it.

It doesn't matter why Mil hates you, or even whether she hates you. Stop worrying about that and engage in learning to help your daughter.

I agree with Ronald sounds like you need therapy.

I would not leave that to my husband

I do actually think you were in the wrong today. Your daughter was too ill to be in school and you had to pick her up. An ill DC trumps work. As a minimum I think you should have spoken to MIL and asked if she was able to take care of your ill daughter as well as FIL or if she needed you to stay and help. So agree with other posters about taking flowers and apologising.

If you really believe she doesn't like you and really can't let it go why not have a coffee with sil and ask her why?

Disagree with those who say to get your dd back ASAP. For whatever reason your dd seems to be thriving in MIL's home, but wasn't in yours, for whatever reason. Agree dd's most likely taking it out on you because you are "safe" and that she doesn't genuinely dislike you. Hopefully you will get to the bottom of her problems soon and be able to start helping her work on them and reunite your family.

Meanwhile, give yourself, and mil a break, be nice to yourself. You are in a highly stressful situation, its easy to get defensive or to try too hard.

Hope things get easier soon.

Has your dd been investigated medically for her problems? She could for instance have polycystic ovaries which could explain her mood swings, weight and acne. Just a thought.

Dd was fine, she just had a bit of hayfever. She had been at my house all day, had spoken to MIL, who knew dd was ok, and told her she was coming home. This was no health emergency, no need for a 'handover' - it would have been nice, more polite, for me to have popped in but I was late for work and I was in a flap over it.

In any case, I've already said I was in the wrong, my issue is her haranguing me in the street.

My MIL told me that if she was in my shoes she would have smacked my dd round the face.

Dd is polite and not oppositional with her because she knows that MIL doesn't tolerate being crossed. And that crossing her would end with her being told to leave. And possibly a slap around the face.

There you go then. Take a leaf out of her book.

What, hit my 14 year old dd around the face?

Will ask doctor about PCOS. Think it could be an issue.

The way I see it you have two choices. You can either just apologize and say you didn't mean to offend her (Not saying that's accurate by any means) and go on the way you have been, or you can sit down DiL to MiL and tell her what you feel. That you feel that she dislikes you and has since your marriage and you wonder why & how you can build a better relationship. Neither would be easy and frankly, I would probably take the coward's way out, but then I really hate confrontation.

If possible, I do think MiL should be included in school meetings, etc about DD. She is, after all, right in the trenches since DD is living with her. Perhaps she feels out of the loop because the info is 2nd hand from you & DH. If nothing else, maybe the 3 of you can set a regular time each week to have tea or a drink together to update each other as to DD's progress and behaviour. That might also show DD that the three of you are a united front in parenting her and that you aren't going anywhere and that DH and MiL consider you a full partner.

What, hit my 14 year old dd around the face?

No, of course not.

Your mother in low won't tolerate being crossed as it would end up with her being told to leave. So take a leaf out of her book and stop tolerating it yourself.

been with DH 20 years, married 15 years. MIL has always behaved in a 'correct' way with me, polite, kept her opinions to herself (mostly)

It sounds so trivial but I've been on the verge of tears all day today and feel like I don't want to see her again

Her fury was so out of proportion with my 'crime' - dropping dd off without coming in - I can only assume there's a whole heap of baggage there that is the real reason she's angry with me

suspect that my MIL compares me with my SIL's, whose teenage children are all polite, hard working, loving, well behaved. I feel judged and disliked

I'm beside myself about it. My current feeling is that a million wild horses couldn't drag me over to her house again

Minifingers I've selected small sections of your opening post which jump out at me. Some of them are written in very dramatic terms.
First off let me say that I've been where you are in having a rebellious and uncooperative teen who was a downright nightmare to live with and channeled it all at me. I got very little backup and had no one else to help out so it was just years and years of battling every day.
Many years later you wouldn't recognize this lovely young person as who they were back then, how they behaved and what problems were caused.

So I do have some insight into how low your situation can bring you and what a strain it all is.

I also knew that my MiL never liked me and she said some extremely cruel things that I have never forgotten.

All you can do is manage the situation as it is now and if I were you I wouldn't waste my time assuming and suspecting. Understandably given what future MiL said before the wedding you have never overcome how she makes you feel. All these years later she might not even remember saying it and you'd be better to rise above it and remember what you say about your family and the fact that MIL has been polite and ok and mostly kept her opinions to herself - how many people would just love to be in that situation let alone having assistance with a difficult child.

For your own sake tell yourself that despite comfortable finances and help from family, MiL is getting older, perhaps more weary with her daily life and may have been having a real off day. It wasn't polite to just drop DD off no matter how late you were running. Just a brief Hello at the door and 'I really must rush because I'm already late' would have sufficed and taken hardly any time. Maybe MiL snapped out of all proportion because it was the thin end of the wedge that day, and has regretted it and knows she was harsh?

If it were me I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and go round with some flowers and an apology saying you don't want there to be any bad blood between you.
You might not want to and it might not make you feel any better but it will mean that you've done the kind and sensible thing, which can't hurt can it.

Sorry was skim-reading as I was coming backwards and forwards to the computer. Can see now others have suggested flowers, I wasn't copying, promise

Your mother in low won't tolerate being crossed as it would end up with her being told to leave. So take a leaf out of her book and stop tolerating it yourself

Also agree with this.
Although it made it very unpleasant I made a rule when my DC was going through it that I would not be disrespected in my own home.
You have a good marriage and are happy with your other children, why on earth would you contemplate leaving your home to satisfy a teenager who's attitude and behaviour towards you is off the scale?

Obviously it hurts and makes you feel like the worst parent in the world, but you know, other people struggle too, there's no guarantees with DCs, some of them just do have difficult times.
Someone very wise told me that I was the sole target of my DC's appalling behaviour because of the knowledge that maternal love would always be there no matter what. That's true, but it doesn't mean you have to act like an emotional punchbag.

You need to be fair, but very firm and above all consistent no matter how much you feel hurt inside. Believe it or not the worst behaved children and teens often actually like it when a parent stands firm even if only because it gives them something else to moan and complain about

Ok, random thoughts and things...

Your MiL was extremely unkind before your wedding. Have you since told your DH about it? You should.

You were (inadvertently) rude when you just dropped DD off - did MiL know you were picking up early? You need to apologise - overreaction or not. And going by the next paragraph, I don't know that it is overreaction.

You said I know she's unhappy and not well too. I feel sorry for her. I wish she didn't have to have dd but the only other option is for dd to go into care or for me to move out of the family home
She doesn't have to have her. She is doing a very big thing here even if she were fit and well. Is that you and your DH are now asking way too much of her? I think you may be.

Are the root of your DD's problems physical health related? The weight gain and acne? PCOS? Something like that? You can understand her unhappiness with school. It's so sad that appearance is so important to fit in and if you feel different it makes your life so hard.

You absolutely shouldn't leave home. Your DD must not be given that sort of power. You are getting her the help she needs - what do her therapists say about her attitude to you?