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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

serious moral dilemma

37 replies

moraldilemmaNoxxx · 05/09/2006 13:21

Obviously I have changed my name for this, but I am a regular and am not a troll.

A friend of mine split from her dp earlier this year. He basically was never there, always out with his mates and was never there for her or his dd.. He wasn?t a horrible person and they stayed on fairly good terms but she just doesn?t love him any more. Things are made somewhat difficult for her by the fact that her dp is my cousin, and most of her friends round here are related to him, or friends of his, in some way. But most of us weren?t exactly surprised about the split and have no ill feeling towards her. But since they have split up she has met someone else and now the rumour is doing the rounds with the family that she actually split from him because of this other man and that she was actually seeing him before they split. She assures me she wasn?t, but tbh I don?t care either way, it?s her business, but I don?t have any reason to not believe her.

Then recently she came to visit me, our dd?s are similar age and play together. While she was here she told me that just after her dd was born, her xp started staying out a lot, and after some digging around, she found text messages on his phone and emails on his computer, all to another woman. She confronted him about it but he denied everything. She said she tried to make the relationship work, and that as far as she knew whatever he was up to had ended, but things were never the same after. To this day he denies ever having cheated on her.

I have just been to the shops, as I walked across the car park I saw my cousin get out of his car, as he walked over to the shops a woman came out, she had a baby with her, I?d say he was about 18 months old. When she saw him I distinctly heard her say to her little boy ?look, there?s daddy?. To say I was shocked to hear this is an understatement. My cousin picked up the little boy and gave him a big cuddle, something I?ve never even seen him do with his dd, then he put him down and went into the shop and the mum went off on her way. He hadn?t seen me, so I turned round and went home because tbh I don?t know what I would have said if I?d seen him.

But what do I do now? My cousin (friend?s xp) has a child by another woman which was conceived while they were together. Not only that, it appears that he and this child have maintained a relationship, obviously I don?t know if he?s still involved with the woman, and meanwhile my friend has been made out to be the cause of the relationship break-up.

I?m not sure whether telling my friend is adviseable, after all, no-one saw me, so if she finds out she?s not going to know that I know, but should I let my cousin know that I know? If I?ve seen this then surely it?s just a matter of time before someone else potentially does? This child will grow up and then will say to someone about who his daddy is? Is it fair to have this child in secret? Fair to the child that is?

Help.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 05/09/2006 13:23

You do and say nothing.

TheBlonde · 05/09/2006 13:23

You should ask your cousin about what you saw

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/09/2006 13:25

You don't know exactly what it is you have seen though. So agree with Soupy, say and do nothing.

coderoo · 05/09/2006 13:27

dont do ti

( i cnat understand the op) where does the cousin comeint ot i?

BettySpaghetti · 05/09/2006 13:28

Any chance that the child is not his ? It could be that hes having a relationship with the woman and, because the child is young and the relationship is serious, they want the child to call him Daddy and see him as daddy?

Just a thought, as you can never be too sure that the situation is how it looked

Original poster

moraldilemmaNoxxx · 05/09/2006 13:28

cod the cousin is my friend's xp (he's my cousin)

OP posts:

LIZS · 05/09/2006 13:28

But you don't know this for sure, your imagination is running riot based upon what you witnessed and trying to make sense of things you have been told. Don't think you can or should do anything. My brother apparently called all sorts of random men daddy as a toddler ! Could have been a joke even ?!

Bozza · 05/09/2006 13:32

Personally I think it sounds as though there is more to it than a lot of you seem to think. But I would not say anything to your friend at this point. Either wait and see, speak to your cousin or attempt further investigation.

bubblez · 05/09/2006 13:35

I would ask my cousin about what I saw and heard.

Are you positive that you heard the woman say look there is daddy?

Original poster

moraldilemmaNoxxx · 05/09/2006 13:40

positive. I had considered the possitility that perhaps he's entered into a new relationship, but he's been telling my friend that he still loves her and wants her back and can't see himself ever being with anyone else. But he did say that to the last girl who he split with, and the one before her, so it would be fair to say that he does fall quite quickly.

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 05/09/2006 13:47

If they knew each other and the boy was his son, do you think it likely that they would simply go their separate ways without some kind of chat? Perhaps you could broach the subject with your cousin (if you want to) by saying that he has an exact double living in the area, then tell him what you saw and see how he reacts. Like that, you're not accusing him of anything, just commenting on the fact that there is someone who looks just like him. Whether or not to raise it with him probably depends on how close you are. I wouldn't tell the friend unless absolutely certain of the facts and might not even then to avoid upsetting her.

Cailyn3 · 05/09/2006 14:03

Glad I'm not you trying to work out what to do with this one. Major sympathies! How old is your friends dd? Could the son be from the fling with the woman to whom the texts and emails went to?

bubblez · 05/09/2006 14:21

I know that I'm going to be in the firing line by saying this but, if you are sure about what you have seen and your cousin confirms it, then I would think seriously about whether or not to keep the information from your friend.

I know that many people would say that it is not your place to tell your friend. But many women would say that they would want to know if their partner or ex partner has cheated on them. (Including me) Is your friend likely to get back with your cousin? Is she the sort of person who would want to know about something this big? How would you feel if you were in her shoes? Is she a good friend of yours?

wartywarthog · 05/09/2006 14:24

you don't know for sure, so you shouldn't say anything. if you're close to your cousin, you could have a word with him.

hairymclary · 05/09/2006 14:27

no, i wouldn't say anything at all.
I honestly can't se any benefit in your friend knowing that her partner cheated on her and has a child.

Glassofwine · 05/09/2006 14:29

If I were in your situation I would first talk to your cousin to clarify that he is the childs father and what the relationship with the woman ie etc. I'd ask him to tell your friend. If he refused, or didn't do it then I would have to ask myself which one I would risk upsetting the most. Ie. if you tell your friend and the cousin finds out and in the worst case never speaks to you again is that better then your friend enver speaking to you again. if you do nothing then its the same as supporting your cousin.

Steppy1 · 05/09/2006 14:29

OMG !! I agree, I think with Bubblez...if he is the father then it WILL come out...I would speak with my cousin and say that if the baby is his ( you know what you heard ) then he has an obligation to tell your friend, otherwise you don't have a choice.... How is she going to feel when she eventually finds out and you say "I didn't want to tell you"...although you could choose just to keep quiet and offer her sympathy when it does come out. Of course there might also be a perfectly logical explanation some of which are outlined below....... I would want to know......

Original poster

moraldilemmaNoxxx · 05/09/2006 18:18

Well have just been to see my cousin, I went round on the pretence of returning a toy his dd had left at my house. So I asked him how he was and then asked if he was seeing someone else, he said no. So I told him about seeing him this morning and about what I had heard the woman say to the little boy. His face changed totally, he looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights iykwim? So I asked him outright whether the little boy was his and he said yes. The woman is an ex gf of his, they were together long before he and my friend got together, I knew of her but had never met her which is why I didn?t recognize her. When they split they stayed friends, and occasionally they would meet up and spend the night together, so I guess it was a kind of extended friendship as it were. Then she went travelling to Australia and he got together with my friend. They moved in together and had their dd, and then the ex came back from her travels just after their dd was born. He met up with her for a drink, and one thing led to another, and they were back to how things used to be. She was unattached, was still in love with him, and he wanted some of the old life back so they started seeing each other, although he?d made it clear to her he wasn?t going to leave his dp, well that?s what he?s told me anyway. And then she fell pregnant, he thinks she did it deliberately, although I did point out to him that it was as much his responsibility to ensure that she didn?t get pregnant if that wasn?t what he wanted. He said they?re not seeing each other any more, as she broke it off shortly after their ds was born, she said she didn?t want to be the other woman, but she hasn?t denied him access to his child, and he?s been paying her rent and maintenance for the little boy, yet he?s only been paying my friend £25 a week for their dd.

Tbh I don?t know what to think, I?ve told him he should tell my friend, or at least up her bloody maintenance payments. He?s been made out to be the victim in all of this and yet he?s been carrying on this sharade for years.

OP posts:

LucyLemon · 05/09/2006 18:21

I would do a bit more investigating. It also depends on with whom your loyalties lie.

Firstly, find out if you're right without asking your cousin. If you are right then you should either convince him to tell your friend or tell her yourself. This is too important to let it go.

themoon66 · 05/09/2006 19:37

I would say it's not your business to be honest. Stay out of it.

WideWebWitch · 05/09/2006 19:39

I wouldn't do anything. Sorry, but I just wouldn't. He sounds horrible, it will come out anyway.

Glassofwine · 05/09/2006 19:50

I know others think you should stay out of it, and yes if you tell her you may be shot for being the messenger, but... If I were your friend I would never forgive you and would feel that by not telling me you were condoning his behaviour.

aaronsmummy · 05/09/2006 19:58

Agree with Glassofwine - would you want your friend to tell you if the situation was reversed? I know I would.

YeahBut · 05/09/2006 19:59

I'd get your cousin to confess. Your friend is being painted as a harlot for no good reason and he's having his cake and eating it.

catsmother · 05/09/2006 21:30

What did you say after he'd told you all this ? (or were you too shocked to speak).

More to the point, what did he say ? ....... it's disgusting if so much of his money is going to one "ex" & child while another ex & child is barely acknowledged.

I'd be inclined to give him a deadline of xx days to do the decent thing - tell your friend what's been going on, and get the finances straight and fairly distributed. Then, I'm afraid that if he were too cowardly to tell her, I'd do it myself, even at the risk of being shot as messenger ...... I'd explain I'd known for xx days and had urged bastard to tell her himself too.

All this would be awful enough as it is ..... yet the pathetic coward is also badmouthing her. Your poor friend.

Another thing, I think I'd want to stand over my cousin while he wrote a short letter apologising for telling lies about his ex, print off xx copies and then I'd want to post them to all the people he's lied to.

What a "man" eh ?

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