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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive or not?

43 replies

mynameissal123 · 12/06/2014 22:50

I've never done anything like this before, but feel I need some advice. My husband and I had an argument tonight where he ended up calling me fucking mental in a very aggressive but dismissive tone (I don't like spiders and there was one huge one in the bedroom he didn't catch and I felt quite stressed). So I got cross and said 'I'll show you mental' and grabbed his laptop to walk off with it (it's actually mine but he uses it the most and he was watching the golf on it), so he kicked me in the legs and then grabbed me round the throat until it hurt enough (and left red marks). I was really shocked and upset as although he is very argumentative he isn't normally physical, he says he had every right morally and legally to do that to get me off the laptop which he said I was going to smash. I wouldn't have but I suppose I gave him that impression by what he said. Is he right? I suppose I shouldn't have reacted like that (unusual for me, I just let him moan and rant). I just feel really disappointed that this happened. I feel like I can't work put if he is right or not. Fyi we hav 2 boys (5 and 3) but they were upstairs at the time and didn't witness it. thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Paleninteresting · 12/06/2014 22:59

I'm so sorry he did this. Wiser people will be along soon but by what I understand hands around the throat is top of the scale in terms of dangerous behaviour. He cannot put his hands on you at all in anger.

DoingItForMyself · 12/06/2014 23:01

No, there is never any excuse for kicking someone and grabbing them by the throat (unless in self defence) especially not over a fucking laptop.

Calling you mental in an aggressive tone is pretty bad, but then getting physically aggressive and being unrepentant about that are both LTB (leave the bastard) offences in my book. I certainly wouldn't be spending the night in the same house as him tonight.

I hope you and your boys are ok. Take some space while you think about whether you want your boys growing up seeing this model of male behaviour as normal and acceptable. They may not have seen it tonight, but if this happens again it could even be one of them in the firing line.

I appreciate that making big decisions is not something to do lightly but your H needs to know how far he overstepped tonight and I think you need to get him to leave. If he doesn't go voluntarily the police will assist him. You should probably report him anyway, you have marks as proof.

Take care of yourself. Is there anyone you can call in RL to come over?

Original poster
mynameissal123 · 12/06/2014 23:05

Thanks for replying. That's what I thought but he says I'm just playing the victim and I'm pathetic. I hope it all calms down tomorrow and he realises he shouldn't have done it. I have taken some photos of the marks on my neck just in case.

OP posts:
Original poster
mynameissal123 · 12/06/2014 23:10

He's gone to sleep in spare room so I'm OK tonight thanks. Leaving him is difficult as I'm not originally from the area so would have to relocate if I wanted to be near my family. Also feel uneasy calling police as he's in the police himself.

OP posts:
Ewieindwie1 · 12/06/2014 23:16

Not much helpful advice but didnt want to read and run.

He's crossed a line.

Does he realise what he's done?

Fearing you might damage an iPad does not justify his physical violence.

You ok? You sound very calm. Good luck!

DoingItForMyself · 12/06/2014 23:18

Oh lovely, it's no wonder women are not taken seriously when they report assaults if the police officers themselves are also committing the same assaults.

Don't let him minimise this.

No matter how difficult your life may be without him (I bet it would be easier than you imagine, as a single parent myself, I dreaded it but am now the happiest I've ever been) it will still be easier than a life spent worrying about being abused by the man who is supposed to be taking care of you.

If I had hurt my dp in some rage for whatever reason, I would be besides myself, apologising profusely and trying to figure out what the hell had made me snap and how to prevent it ever happening again. The fact that he isn't doing any of that speaks volumes about him.

Please don't feel like you don't have options. You don't have to DO anything immediately but do try to recognise his behaviour for what it is, domestic violence. He is the sort of person he is supposed to be protecting us from!

kalidanger · 12/06/2014 23:21

PaleandInteresting is right.

When I spoke to the police after my Ex hit me the assessment they go through has a specific question relating to hands/throat. It is considered serious in a 'special' way.

I'm sorry he's in the police himself. I imagine that would make you feel very uncomfortable BUT don't let that stop you!

Original poster
mynameissal123 · 12/06/2014 23:25

Thanks for your replies. I'll have to give it all some thought. I sometimes think we'd both be happier if we weren't together. X

OP posts:
Clobbered · 12/06/2014 23:35

He had a moral and legal right to kick you and grab you by the throat? Er no, I don't think so.

Get rid. End of.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/06/2014 08:46

It's a massive concern that you're even asking the question because it probably means that you have been conditioned to tolerate extremely poor behaviour. If he's trying to claim he was acting out of self-defence his actions would have had to be 'reasonable & proportionate' in response to the perceived threat. You may have annoyed him by removing a lap-top and he may have thought you were going to smash his property but his response was unreasonable and disproportionate. Do call the police DV unit on 101 and talk them through what happened.

You should, for your own and your DCs' safety, get yourself away and safe. Now he has crossed a line by physically assaulting you without consequence, the next time it will be worse.

BTW... if he is a serving police officer, can you imagine the reaction if he tried to strangle someone he was arresting?

captainmummy · 13/06/2014 08:56

Op - you really should report this. Hands round the throat is very dangerous - as a policeman he should/does know this. Just because he is in the Police does not give him 'legal and moral' right to kick you or part-strangle you. In fact, he should know that he could lose his job just for his behaviour last night.

And he wasn't safeguarding his property, if the laptop is yours. He was just using it. If you want to smash it, you can.

LoisPuddingLane · 13/06/2014 08:56

The laptop is yours, so I don't know what moral and legal argument he is invoking.

That aside, he's a bully, and a dangerous one.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/06/2014 09:08

He hasn't even apologised, has he? By accusing you of 'playing the victim' he actually thinks he's entitled to treat you this way. Very, very dangerous indeed.

If you are reluctant to call the police please talk to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247

LoisPuddingLane · 13/06/2014 09:12

I suspect he's trying to play things down (and minimise your experience/deride your reactions) because he's shit scared what would happen if you reported him.

Do it.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/06/2014 13:54

If a stranger in the street did this to you or you witnessed it, what would your reaction be?
You'd call the police to report it.
So do that.
You can call 101 and ask for the DV unit and just talk to them about it without reporting it.
Or as PP said - contact Womens Aid.

I think this is the tip of the iceberg and he has probably been emotionally and verbally abusing you for years.
Womens Aid can help you to recognise this.

foadmn · 13/06/2014 15:10

hello.
my then-husband tried to strangle me to death in 1986 and i didn't realise i could/should have reported it to the police until i started to read mn two years ago.
don't be as stupid as me. tell the police and get the husband removed from the home.

badtime · 13/06/2014 15:22

You could smash every single thing you own, and he would not have a legal or moral right to throttle you.

He must have been working on you for a while if you can't immediately see his excuses for the bullshit they so obviously are.

Original poster
mynameissal123 · 13/06/2014 20:45

Hi all, thanks for messages. Well I'm no further forward - we're still not speaking properly and I've actually got into bed ready to go to sleep as had just a few hours last night and I'm exhausted. He has said he wasn't being violent or aggressive and he was using reasonable force to get me off the laptop. To b fair he did remove his hands as soon as he had the laptop back and marks have disappeared. He has called my bluff and told me to call the police as he's done nothing wrong. He says he's shocked that I could even think he did it to harm me. Well thinking about it, I don't think his reason was to harm me, and I do think it was to just get the laptop. I however do think he was angry and reacted to the situation (I.e. me taking the laptop) badly. He is adamant that he was totally justified to do it. Maybe I'm overreacting as I have no marks, did antagonise him and he hasn't done it before? He said he would class wife beaters as the lowest of the low and he can't believe I'm thinking of him like that as his intention was not to hurt me but to stop me smashing the laptop.

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 13/06/2014 20:53

So he is saying it's acceptable to hurt you, he is giving you a 'defence' to try and play down the actions that he knows (due to his job) are wrong. The force he used was NOT reasonable for that situation. He is also telling you he puts more value in an inanimate object than you.

MuthaHubbard · 13/06/2014 20:58

And he's also saying that when you make him angry/do something he doesn't like, its acceptable to hurt you in return.

And you both know that it is not in the slightest.

foadmn · 13/06/2014 21:02

stop believing him, please.
sometimes the police are very disappointing in their attitude to domestic violence, but I'm told things have improved recently.
I know I'm a supporter of 'ltb' messages but really in your case, if you don't get out or get him out, you are at risk of further physical harm and possibly of losing your life. once a man has his hands on your throat, your life expectancy shrinks to minutes.

mn will probably ban me for saying so. they are so much in favour of keeping everything sweet in mumsland. but for those of us who have seen it first hand and known how it feels to think your toddler will come downstairs in the morning to find her mum's body, the actions of your husband/partner are more than a red flag, they're a full-on siren.
please. get support. get free. be safe.

Petrasmumma · 14/06/2014 02:06

He said he was using reasonable force to get you off your laptop....

That's terrifying. There is no such thing.

He's abusing a police term used when arresting violent criminals to justify why he put his hands around your throat. He knows this. He also knows that reasonable force never extends to hands around a throat. He would be successfully sued by the suspect concerned, would lose his job and pension.

Frankly this is just as dangerous as the assault itself: he is either trying to bully you into accepting his behaviour, or he's lost grip on reality. In any case, you are not safe. Furthermore, I don't think any of us would want someone like that representing law and order in this country.

I've PM'd you.

Boudica1990 · 14/06/2014 02:22

Oh my, it's like watching me from 2 years ago...

Please, please co tact your local DV team. I have a ex husband who would push me, beat me, spit in my face and it all.escalated from one initial argument over the microwave. It does not get better I can assure you. No man or woman should lay a hand on the other in such a way! This is how it starts, he already has you convincediit's somehow acceptable, what next? You deserved the black eye because you broke my favourite mug? I know I didn't deserve it but it happened.

Please for the sake of your children and your own safety speak to the DV team. Xxx

SeymoreButts · 14/06/2014 02:29

OP this is terrifying logic from your husband. He was prepared to put his hands around your neck and squeeze until he got your laptop back. What happens when he is annoyed about something he perceives to be more serious than a laptop?

He says he's shocked that I could even think he did it to harm me He kicked you and strangled you. Does he really believe that he didn't intend to harm you, or is he trying to manipulate you into not reporting it?

Lilimum2be · 14/06/2014 02:52

Honey there's threatening and then there's being physically abusive.
Even if you smashed the laptop you do not deserve to have hands put on you!!!
My advice...let him know he's done something VERY wrong and tell him to leave for a week or two!
If you don't leave him you guys atleast need a break before the violence is seen by your precious children!!!
Sorry honey, I really hope you are ok Hmm Sorry if my advice is crappy!

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