Abusive or not?

[mynameissal123]

I've never done anything like this before, but feel I need some advice. My husband and I had an argument tonight where he ended up calling me fucking mental in a very aggressive but dismissive tone (I don't like spiders and there was one huge one in the bedroom he didn't catch and I felt quite stressed). So I got cross and said 'I'll show you mental' and grabbed his laptop to walk off with it (it's actually mine but he uses it the most and he was watching the golf on it), so he kicked me in the legs and then grabbed me round the throat until it hurt enough (and left red marks). I was really shocked and upset as although he is very argumentative he isn't normally physical, he says he had every right morally and legally to do that to get me off the laptop which he said I was going to smash. I wouldn't have but I suppose I gave him that impression by what he said. Is he right? I suppose I shouldn't have reacted like that (unusual for me, I just let him moan and rant). I just feel really disappointed that this happened. I feel like I can't work put if he is right or not. Fyi we hav 2 boys (5 and 3) but they were upstairs at the time and didn't witness it. thanks for reading.

Oh so 'to be fair he let go of your neck as soon aa he had the lap top back' oh ok. That's just fine then isn't it?
I am actually quite cross with you. Try reading your posts again.

op, think about all the other things he's said and done. because he won't have reached this stage without having done other things before.

write all those things down, here, and post them. then print out the thread for the domestic violence team.

stop kidding yourself. you have a violent and abusive husband and you are unwilling or scared to do anything about it. trust me, though relocating to be near your family might be scary and a lot of faff, its nothing like as scary as that moment when you know the most likely scenario is that your children will lose their mother.

please see sense. write up your experiences and post them here so you can't hide from them again. tell the dv team. tell your family. get out of there with your children, be safe, be rid of him.

I really don't know what to make of your post mynameissal.

He has said he wasn't being violent or aggressive and he was using reasonable force to get me off the laptop. To be fair he did remove his hands as soon as he had the laptop back and marks have disappeared.

Kicking and throttling someone is being violent and aggressive, and is almost certainly not legal. Do you think it is ok to try to kill someone to get a laptop back? That's what it sounds like.

Well thinking about it, I don't think his reason was to harm me, and I do think it was to just get the laptop.

Think about it again. You are living with a man who would attempt murder you (because squeezing your throat is attempted murder) to get from your hands a piece of equipment that belongs to you. Think about that, and stop fucking apologising for him.

It's abuse. There is no justification for what he did. Now his crossed that line he will do it again.

You need to stop lying to yourself, and stop listening to his lies. What he did is very serious.
You are doing two things here -

1. Playing down what he did (marks nearly gone, maybe I started it, let go immediately etc etc)
2. Finding excuses to do nothing (can't report police to police, not from this area - WTF?????)

Re-read all your own posts above - can't you see how you are making excuses for him?
The fact that he shows zero remorse is very worrying - if he feels justified, and you take no action, this is bound to happen again. Right now, whether you realise it or not, you are at the start of a violent relationship.

If you really are tempted to think what he did was in some way justified, and relatively minor, ask yourself this -
Suppose your child had grabbed the laptop in a temper - would you kick and strangle him to get it back?

If you saw your husband do this to your child would you be posting messages on here that it was not so bad really, the marks have nearly gone; I can't really report to the police because he's a copper; I'd like to get the children away from him, but I'd have to relocate. Would you agree that your son was just playing the victim?

What about if your husband had an argument with a woman who was a stranger (let's say she pushed in the queue at the supermarket). Would he kick her legs and strangle her - but "only" until she agreed to go to the back of the queue? How would other shoppers react? Would they all agree if he said she was just playing the victim?

What you need to understand is that he committed a violent assault on you - but for some reason both of you seem to think it doesn't count.

Wake Up - you (and probably your children) are in danger!

I can't agree enough with the posts already on here. If you saw that in the street you'd be appalled and report it. You were in your own house where you should feel safe. Please don't let him think this is ok. He doesn't even know he's done anything wrong which I think is another really big warning sign.

After all..let this one go and you show him what behaviour you are prepared to tolerate.

OP what he told you is bullshit. "Reasonable force" is for on the job, NOT at home. Report it now. Next time you might not be alive to report it.

Mynameis, you are getting lots of external perspective here which it appears you don't relate to at this time. Have you considered talking to the local DV unit and Woman's Aid anonymously? A formal external perspective may be useful for you to frame your thinking, information is power and you have your husbands perspective and people on the internet, both of which don't seem to be giving you the support you need.
Find more information. Keep coming here for support too but try to find information which speaks to you in a way which doesn't frighten or freeze you.
Try to find information which motivates, supports and encourages you. Many of us are lurking and holding your hand.

Thanks paleninteresting, I think you are right. He is now at his mums and I'm speaking to a good friend about it tomorrow (I would explain her as 'wise'). I feel I need to get my head around it all - when you've been with someone for 14+ years it's not very easy after one incident to just go 'get rid'. I'll get there in my own time, perhaps after speaking to others I know well. X

It's not just one incident. It can't be. You are on N Internet forum actually asking if you're overreacting to someone kicking you and grabbing you by the throat. You don't get to that point without a great deal of 'grooming' by an abuser.
What he has done is beyond the pale.

That time with him away means you and your children have time and space to feel what it is like him not being there. I reiterate that a formal/expert perspective is needed here particularly Women's Aid. People who have a professional responsibility to support people to be safe will be drawing from years of expert research and experience, speak factually about risk and work at your pace.

Some men in professional positions can intellectualise/ minimise their actions using language which has become familiar over many years. This can become the culture and accepted way of being in a relationship. This language is then used when the status quo of the relationship is threatened. This is why an expert perspective is essential, to cut through the rhetoric and professional-speak.

Hand around your throat, strangling is extremely dangerous. I hope your husband stays away and your friend supports you to be safe.

We are here, keep posting

It was absolutely unacceptable for him to grab you by the throat. Nobody should put up with this level of physical aggression. Grabbing by the throat is an absolute no no. It's dangerous and might be worse next time. I think you must report this.

i understand how you minimise it andhow you don't want to get rid with just one incident.. but this incident is very serious and is definitely a leave incident.

if you are w mids the police are very good and will take it seriously.

I agree with GoldfishCrackers
There must be much more - maybe not violence against you but you would not be asking if this level of violence was OK unless you have a very warped perspective. Which is exactly what you have because you have been being abused in some way for many years.

Does he fly off the handle?
Shout and swear?
Put you down?
Punch walls?
Kick things?
Smash things?
Are you dependent on him for money?
Do you have your own successful career?
How is your self esteem?
Are you a confident woman with many friends and family around you?
Do you have your own life away from the home and kids?
Do you have any hobbies that are just for you?
Do you have free time to do as you please?

You really need to call Womens Aid.

Write down everything you can think of that has happened in your relationship.

I really hope your friend helps you to realise how wrong this is and was.
And you should definitely report it to the police as soon as you can.
You have pictures as proof.

He doesn't even think he has done anything wrong. That is the most alarming thing of all.

There is literally NOTHING you could do which would justify him kicking you and putting his hands around your throat.

And for him to try and fob that off as "reasonable force" is absolutely fucking PATHETIC. It's a complete and utter fucking LIE. Do you want to know what reasonable force is used for? Self defence. So if you had been about to stab him in the face with a giant knife, then he would have been justified in kicking your legs to knock you off balance.

It also has to be proportionate. Choking someone because they might smash THEIR OWN COMPUTER (you did say it was technically yours, right?) is illegal.

What he did was illegal, and he knows it. He is calling your bluff by trying to fool you that you are wrong. You say that you took pictures. Go to a police station that he does NOT work at, and report the incident, along with your evidence. You can ask to speak to a female officer, and explain you are scared because your husband is also in the police.

They do not take this shit lightly. It gives the whole lot of them a bad name.

^what Kaykay said.

OP - as a policeman, he knows that hands round the throat is illegal, a sackable offence, and possibly even attempted murder. It's not [only] because of the threat to cut off your air supply, but there are lots of nerves in that area which can be compressed, and will lead to unconsciousness and death within seconds. Also the cartilage of the neck/windpipe is very fragile, and easily crushed - Leading to death.

If he'd caused your death (or permanent paralysis, which is also eminently possible) do you think he could have used those pathetic arguments in couret? 'Oh no your honour, I was using 'reasonable force' to get her laptop off her? Cos (I thought) she was going to smash it? I was perfectly entitled to kill/maim her, don't you think?'

Err, no. 15years to life.

Report it. He doesn't want you to, because he knows how serious this is.

mynameissal123 - are you able to give us an update at all?

I'm sorry if some of us come across as angry - this honestly isn't directed at you. It's at your husband for doing something so atrocious, and then having the absolute gall to try and make it into something normal.

This man physically attacked you - that is something that cannot be overlooked.