Violation of privacy?

[Exsqueezemeplease]

Would you think that your DP/DH secretly checking your emails, texts, and looking for your threads on MN as an invasion of your privacy? Out of order? Or understandable if he knew you weren't happy and wanted to know what you were thinking?

I spied on my ex, and that's how I found out he was OLD. Then after we split he spied on me LOADS and it was horrible. Even down to an app on my phone that pinpointed my location and I found out after he was literally watching me move around during the day on his laptop! I regretted doing it to him, (a bit) in the first place, but if I hadn't, I'd never have found out what he was up to so it was useful, if a bit unpleasant.

But the trust issue is the main thing. If the trust has gone then you have issues anyway, and it sound like it's continuous certainly more than a curious scan of your emails, I'm not tech savvy, but a key logger? That sounds way too much...

I'd definitely be having a talk, and probably a serious think about if I wanted to be with someone who was so controllingly persistent about snopping on me.

Good Luck! :-)

Is there any particular reason you are dithering about leaving him?

Are you talking to each other about the possibility of splitting up?

how does knowing he is doing this influencing your decision?

It is understandable that he is doing this under the circumstances in the same way that it would be understandable if a woman was thinking her husband was planning to leave we would understand why she'd looked.

But actually it sounds like he is trying to control what you say and to who.

Time to separate and get a techy friend to 'cleanse' your tech?

i'd think it was normal.
anything you post openly, or any phone or email you leave open to view or give people passwords to, you should be willing to share.
my son in law is my network manager so I assume he and my daughter know everything I do online (though tbh, I don't think they'd be arsed to check) so sometimes I'm more restrained than I might otherwise be at what I choose to look at. but not always. sometimes I just think, well, I'm curious, I'm looking (or 'I'm buying that even if you know about it'). its ok. if I had a real secret I wouldn't share it with anyone. the first time its told, its not a secret.

anything you post openly, or any phone or email you leave open to view or give people passwords to, you should be willing to share.

But OP isn't posting 'openly'. She's posting in a forum under a name (which is the norm). He is using technology to bypass her passwords and look at things without consent.
It isn't normal and it is abusive.
He is not her manager at work or her network administrator.
He is a creepy guy who's stalking her.

BTW at a previous place of work the network manager was fired for stalking employees. Laptops went home at weekends. A member of staff messaged her online boyfriend on it. He was found when he should have been installing some new software, going through her history and slobbering over the messages. He may have had her password and been her administrator, but it was recognised that this was an abuse of his role.
Just because you can doesn't mean you should/it is normal.

My DH could knock me out with one punch. He wouldn't. Because the fact he can doesn't prevent it being morally vile and because he treats me well.

He wants me to "give up" mumsnet. He said that he will give up drinking forever if I give up mumsnet forever. Now that part really is controlling. Even I can see that.

To be fair, I would struggle to identify him as a controlling partner. That's not something that's ever really been an issue before.

He snoops. He admits to snooping and doesn't respect your attempts to have some privacy. Everyone is allowed some privacy. His actions are isolating you from your support network of friends and MN. That's quite controlling.

If you are thinking about splitting up then what is holding you back? Why haven't moved to a trial separation for instance?

if you post on a public forum, you have to accept that people, even your nearest and dearest, will read it and might identify you.

I worked with some mums. they were sweetly sniggering to each other about having identified me here, in one of my many incarnations. since then I've been conscious that anything I post can be read and recognised by them.

so sometimes I put in 'hello danielle', just to be friendly. :)

"he has no grounds to suspect I'm having an affair"

Other than you are threatening to leave him

"He's doing it because he knows I'm thinking of leaving him"

Sounds like he is not the only controlling one.

I believe that snooping is wrong no matter what the "gut" says.

But if you are going to leave him do it.

Foad do they tell you they "know" IT stuff and can get into your emails, texts etc'?
That is what he is doing.
Utterly different from being 'outed' and it all being a giggle.

He has been snooping on his wife, warning her he can do this - and the stakes are he is freaking out because she might leave.

Its like the difference between neighbours seeing my bra and laughing on my washing line, and someone rummaging through my drawers.
Or my DH spotting me out shopping... And him creepily following me for ages to check I didn't go anywhere he didn't approve.
Just because elements of our online selves can be seen/worked out, doesn't mean people AREN'T abusive if they snoop. Same as real life: everyone can see you in the street. That doesn't make stalking legal.

Boney why is thinking of leaving someone controlling? People think it then do it. No one wakes up and dumps a long term partner on a whim.

there's no such thing as 'snooping' on a marriage partner. you are one soul. therefore what you know, he knows, and vice versa. if that isn't the case, the 'snooper' isn't the one violating the relationship, the one with secrets is.

now there's a controversial idea for mn.

squizita

telling your partner that you are thinking of leaving, leaves them on an emotional edge. Not knowing what they have done wrong or even if they have done anything wrong.

From the OP's posts she hasn't discussed what is going through her mind with him and he is fishing for information.

Would you like to be left in an emotional limbo dependent on whether someone decides whether to stay or go?

Don't be ridiculous, foadmn.

Foad I don't know where to start with that one.

The state of matrimony exists between an adult man and an adult woman: two humans. If honesty exists, as it should, they should talk. Spying is wrong: I learned that (bar common sense) from my religious marriage prep. Even the most traditional view of marriage frowns on snooping and spying, as it tends to represent innocent acts wrongly and create a vicious cycle (Othello being a prime example).
Far apart from the fact ANY domestic violence/abuse expert will cite it as a danger signal. My abusive ex was very keen on the "soul mates have no secrets" thing. But you see, privacy isn't just about secrets. We all do things just alone for sound reasons (eg change a tampon or pass a motion). Very controlling people and cults use the "soulmate" idea to break down the sense of self by implying all alone time is suspect and a sign of betrayal. Gradually the "weaker" partner loses their sense of identity and confidence... Or both partners become co dependant.

This is not radical modern psychology: its ingrained in most cultures as a norm.
Post Twilight weird "love = control" movie romance culture aside.

Its about mutual respect.
Respect means you don't need to demand your partner tell you everything, because you hold their beliefs and values in esteem.

Boney Good point. Unless they'll get aggro, you need to discuss it.

there's no such thing as 'snooping' on a marriage partner. you are one soul.

No, very not this. At some point wayyyy beyond cognition we may all be One Soul. But here and now? Nope, duality and multiplicity are in full flow.

We are many souls in and out of dis/agreement, learning how to co-operate or obfuscate, create or destroy when stuff gets tough ... a wild genius, almost demonic, idea

no, you are one soul. that's what marriage made you. two halves of the same circle. if you aren't ready for that, don't get married.

No. That's what you believe marriage made you Foad.
Your choice, your belief system.

I am very happily married in a union which involves love, trust, respect and an understanding that we each have a right to our own choices and yes, to privacy.

He said that he will give up drinking forever if I give up mumsnet forever

a) Does he have a drink problem? If he needs to give up drinking full stop. Trying to tie it into a bargain to control your behaviour is ridiculous.

b) What's his problem with mumsnet? That women talk? That you might go getting feminist ideas? Leave?

I've only ever come across men who have problems with mumsnet online, and all of them have had problems with women.

If so ^^

Even two halves of the same circle are individual halves.
And if you truly are one soul, there will be no need for snooping because there is trust.
No partner needs to know everything the other does or says.

For OP: have you told him to give up his drinking or you'll give him up?
And then carry on.

foadmn - historically marriage is a ritual based on the alliance and ownership of lands, name, property, ambition and wealth. It is sanctioned by Religion because guess what it's precepts are? Religion put itself and then men between women and God. That's the craziest garbage i ever heard .. even crazier is that it worked.

Women did not even have legal rights never mind personal or matrimonial ones. Hence a wealthy 12yr old with no ownership of herself could be married to a financially suitable 50yr old. Did they become one soul?

Any ritual with a history like that has got to be suspect imo ...

Where in the ceremonials today does it say that the couple become one soul?? Doesn't it actually imply that at death they are parted?

OP you might give up MN (possibly already have) but then there will be more demands and commands to make you isolate yourself. How sadistic is that? Do it to yourself, for me?

And is that like for like? I don't think so .. it's Control and no matter what the bargain offered, it is a tainted cup.