Violation of privacy?

[Exsqueezemeplease]

Would you think that your DP/DH secretly checking your emails, texts, and looking for your threads on MN as an invasion of your privacy? Out of order? Or understandable if he knew you weren't happy and wanted to know what you were thinking?

I told my friend (whose text conversation with me he had read) and she is raging. Because it's not just my privacy, it's hers too. She said it was controlling. It wouldn't suprise me if she backs off a bit from me over this.

I hope she doesn't -it's not your fault Op. I'd talk to your DP about how you're feeling , put him in the picture then he may feel less inclined to snoop.

In the past i did graceful acceptance when someone i was stupidly hooked up with hunted through my stuff on PC. I was trying to reassure him all was well so squashed my inner revulsion and desire to knock him into the next galaxy. Nonetheless, his actions that day were my warning that all was not ok with him.

I should have ended it then and there but didn't though i was utterly miserable and worn down by his control. Of course it all got worse.

These days, if anyone invaded me in any way, personal, technical, whatever - straightaway GONE ...

oh, i'm not saying LTB that's up to you. I'm just supporting you on the invasion front ...

And maybe warning that things can escalate badly ...

Is it time for a Talk with him?

If he's doing it because he knows you're considering leaving then he's got a point. Invasion of privacy or not, you need to talk.

We often find raft those who invade privacy and snoop have done so because spidy senses tell them something is wrong and they don't know what because their partner isn't sharing.

I see invasion of privacy as equal in terms of seriousness with those who aren't open and honest.

Obviously I'm not talking about in abusive relationships here.

I agree with a lot of what Joysmum has said. Are you leaving him because of the intrusive stuff or for some other reason? Does he know the relationship is definitely over, are you still in two minds, or are you keeping quiet in a way which might arouse suspicion?

I find this topic on MN to be very hypocritical, not that any specific users are just the general opinion on the matter is (obv. due to differing opinions on the matter). I have seen several topics where people here have suggested using keyloggers and /or accessing emails to spy on DP's. or cases where MN has validated someones snooping based on a funny feeling.

For what its worth I believe any form of spying on DP's to be unacceptable regardless of the circumstances.

He's doing it because he knows I'm thinking of leaving him and he wants to know what I'm saying to my friends and on mumsnet.

This did not surprise me one bit.

First, you need to get your own accounts for everything. Even an old style phone you can use to text and phone without being connected to every social networking account in existence.
Then, his snooping would definitely balance my thinking towards definitely leaving him.
Have you got legal advice?

How is it any different to a woman doing it? It seems there are a number on here regularly snoop on their partners. Or is that acceptable because they want to make sure they are not cheating some of the responses above smack of double standards..... Again.

I think any kind of reading of emails, texts etc (and that's without key logger) is vile - I would kick off if anyone snooped through my phone or email, even though I have nothing to hide.

I was going to put something similar to cantbelieve - the double standards that men are controlling because they check phones/email whilst women are totally reasonable does make me

I think lack of trust in a relationship destroys it. For example, if a pp feels the need to snoop, I'd simply say that if the trust is gone, then they shouldn't be together.
Just because someone is against snooping on this thread, it doesn't mean they are in favour of snooping by women.

So, unless the people accusing others of hypocrisy know specifically of posters who did this, or people have specifically shown here to have double standards, I think it derails the thread to talk about double standards and it's uncalled for.

Offtopic:
Lweji - I guess I should respond as I specifically used the word 'hypocritical'. I agree with you if someone feels the need to snoop then trust has gone, or there are other issues with them (controlling, abusive etc)

Without trawling through all the posts on this topic in general and matching every poster with their opinions in differing threads, which to be honest is more effort than its worth, I cant single out anyone. The comment was more a general impression on this topic on the board, and I dont particulary see this as something that the board specifcally says is Ok for Women and not for Men, there are multiple incidents were this board has said that the woman shouldnt snoop either.

I guess I wanted to put down a general observation, i realise this doesnt reflect every individual unless we must obey the hive mind

ONTOPIC

I had though I answered the Q. asked which was for our opinions on snooping, not a judgement on this specific case, so I will repeat, No snooping in any circumstances is not warranted in my opinion. If you want to know what the other half is thinking ask them the question if you cant communicate how the hell do you expect any releationship to work.

I never advocate snooping. In fact, I think I'm fairly consistent in saying to someone that, if they don't trust their partner, that's reason enough to either confront or call time. A relationship is not a court of law, there's no 'innocent until proven guilty' standard and going to great complicated lengths to deliberately catch someone out is rarely justifiable. IMHO... that is. Others disagree, I know.

In the OP's case they are planning to leave, and this is either triggering suspicious behaviour in the partner or is as a result of suspicious behaviour or both.

The little tit has probably installed a key logger.

Not exactly War Games level alas!

But, helpful in a way. He's bring generous enough to show you, completely and unreservedly, what an insufferable man he is - controlling, creepy, loserish. So you know you're doing exactly the right thing in leaving. Yes, do leave.

He sounds controlling. It is definitely a violation of your privacy- I'm happy for DH to see texts and what I'm doing, but the key is, it's not in secret, I could do the same and we trust each other. I would be thinking of leaving him, tbh.

Also, if you need to have secrets, then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

I hope all goes according to plan, but if you are worried about your STBXH there's always WA.
And, btw, that type of snooping probably falls under DV and the police might be interested in it.

Yes because I had an abusive ex and this was part of the package ("spying"). Not at all nice, very controlling and makes you second guess the most innocent thing e.g. a male friend round robins a text about a mixed group going to the pub, will partner think it's dodgy? etc'. Then you start to avoid those things...

TBH people saying their partner would just ask and it's quite normal I'm a bit about as IRL I know of no partners (mine, my non abusive exes, my mates' DPs) who actually ask this! It's mentioned on a lot of material for young women/relationship health as a warning sign TBH.

Except one ex of a friend who would ask and then act suspicious about it all, which again was clearly dodgy but they could say they weren't 'spying'.

lewej think you have missed the point. Hypocrisy? Really?

Just thinking of threads where women have found a text from their DP to other women and are advised to do a bit more snooping. Just wondering if he is suspicious of anything

That's not on.
I've called out on this advice before but people deny it happens or say that in trusting relationships everyone happily goes through each other's stuff which seems counter to everything IRL I've seen/known about healthy relationships.

In a healthy relationship people don't go through each other's private stuff, but they don't have big secrets either.

I think it's doomed when people start having secrets (either they are lying or are afraid of their partners) or when they start snooping (they don't trust their partners or are controlling).

I have always known exH's passwords and he has known mine (except work), but afaik we never snooped or went through each other's things.

What was the point, cantbelieve? Please enlighten me, then.

If he's doing it because he knows you're considering leaving then he's got a point.

What someone said earlier about that thing called conversation.

NOT. SPYING.
Spying and veiled references to tech skills is like "oooh scare you into not saying these things and not thinking them..."

IT IS NOT NORMAL.

FFS I do sessions with 14 year olds about how/why you don't do this EVER to a DP and they seem to get it.

And I have been told on MN before that people who don't do it don't really love each other and there are no double standards on these threads (I can see I'm not the only one who sees them).
Spying is not on. It is abusive and in some cases illegal. Just as hitting and screaming is abusive (albeit more physically dangerous): don't do it ever.

Of course there are double standards on a public message board. Some posters will think a dilemma is morally acceptable, others won't, some people are gender-biased, others aren't and all these opinions & more will appear on the same thread. That's why there's a disclaimer at the top of every board.

Oh, there are double standards on MN. Although they are not always double standards, mostly it's people with different opinions, because MN is not one person.
My point was that the pps here were not necessarily showing double standards. People here said he shouldn't be snooping, not that a woman should snoop on her husband.
I'd tell an OP upfront that she was being abusive if she had a key logger to find out about her OH's plan to leave.

If partners know each other's passwords, then if they open the other's email is not really snooping, as it's not really private any longer. Although if a partner started asking me details about my emails then it would smack of controlling and I would consider whether to stay with him based on that, not based on him opening my email account, IYSWIM.

In this case, the partner is open about his control and about not allowing the OP any privacy, when she clearly wants to have it. That is very very wrong.