Are there some cases where it's worth staying in a marriage when you don't love your partner?

[LumieresForMe]

Being with DH for 20years, 2 primary age children.
Things happened at some point that just destroyed the love, at least on my side. I still care for him though.
I have contemplated moving out but each time, all the difficulties coming with being a single parent come back and I end up thinking it's not worth it. Not for me, not for the dcs.
We hardly argue, are co-parenting well enough and act as a team on a day to say basis. So there are plenty of advantages to stay together and plenty of disadvantages if we split up, starting by the emotional impact it will have on the dcs and DH.

The one positive thing that could happen is if it was allowing me to find someone else but I am quite certain it's not going to happen. Or rather not where I live (small town, north of England). Maybe in a more culturally diverse area but that would mean moving and it comes with lots of problem.

So I am wondering, anyone out there who has made the choice of staying even though they aren't in love anymore? Anyone that has left a marriage in these circumstances and regretted it?

No experience, but are you sure thats its beyond saving? There are a number of books about how to fall back in love with your partner, maybe counselling could help?
It seems like you have lots going for you as a couple so maybe with hard work and determination it can be saved?
But i am sure that countless couples stay together for practical reasons, though wether on wants to stay in a loveless relationship is very much a personal choice.

I'm wondering just how shitty the 'things that happened' had to be to not only destroy your love for you partner but crush your self-esteem and your confidence to the point where you are prepared to settle for no love, no affection and no future. It's heartbreaking that you are writing yourself off so comprehensively.

You're painting the life of a single parent as too challenging to contemplate. I'm a single parent... it's not a bed of roses but neither do I have to spend all day looking at some man who has destroyed me as a human being. You can co-parent very well from two locations as one. Children suffer most where there is a bad atmosphere... and there can't be a good atmosphere in your home where there is no love.

So what was it he did?

Or what was it you did?

My brother and his wife - married 20 years, pretty much stopped loving each other about 4 days after the honeymoon from what I can tell; no sex for 18 years (since kids conceived), they don't talk much and row a lot.
She is an alcoholic, he drinks a hell of a lot and works all hours to avoid coming home.

I can't honestly say I'd recommend that.

They are also both miserable and heir kids are looking forward to leaving home.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here?.

You cannot burden a child with a choice that you made. They certainly will not thank you for remaining within a loveless marriage that they themselves may go onto emulate as adults because you over time taught them that a loveless marriage is their "norm". They see all the underlying problems and contempt for each other you both show in unwritten and unspoken ways. The children should not be used as glue to bind you both together.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable. You need to read other threads as well from adult children whose parents stayed together in loveless marriages (more often than not only to part once the children had left home). It changed their own outlook on life and relationships markedly and not one of them has thanked their parents for staying together because of them. They have more likely asked the mother why she put her H before them, they blame their parents equally.

What happens if you or he were to actually meet someone else?. By being together at all you are actively stopping yourselves from meeting other people.

What do you think love in a long term relationship looks like ?
What things are 'missing' from your marriage ?
Does your husband know how you feel ?

I'm not but my thoughts are what will happen when your kids leave home?

I know a few people who's parent's split up not long after they went to university and they had a really tough time dealing with it.

I also know a couple who stayed together 'for the children' and yes things are/have been a bit easier because they are always together (Christmas, birthdays, family events etc) but sometimes they're not very kind to each other so it can be quite uncomfortable to be around them.

A few posters have suggested a loveless marriage is bad for kids. But if it's amicable, there's no arguing, and no abuse, surely its better for children to have both parents in the home to love and care for them, than just one. I've no experience, but is one of the emotions the children would feel that of being abandoned by the parent who leaves their home ? I agree that it isn't giving the kids a perfect example of a relationship, but nor does both parents being single and possibly alone.

I don't know the answer, OP, but I am in a very similar situation. DH loves me dearly, but his negativity/depression/quirkiness have killed any love, although I do care for him and don't want to hurt him. He's not bad, he's a bit disengaged from the kids but not awfully so. Things have got worse since he retired and is at home all the time! Drives me mad.

After years of having doubts and not really being happy, and things being really bad for about 2 years, we are finally at last going to get some counselling together and see if we can retrieve things. He's never going to be 'wonderful' in my eyes, it's only ever going to be OK enough, and he does try hard in his own way to be good to me. But this is my last attempt and if the counselling doesn't do the trick, it'll all be over, I think.

To answe a few questions.
Re the 'bad things' it was MH related which made DH impossible to live with. BUT I didn't realise the problem for a long time and my reaction to his behaviour didn't help at all. I got very hurt. Now that we know, the situation is very different. Still some issues.

We have very independent lives where we both do things we want and enjoy. It's more like flat mates that get on together if that makes sense? I would say the dcs aren't living in a house full if anger and disagreement. If it was, I would be out a long time ago.
There is little affection, some sex but not great

I think DH is happy with set up. I know he loves me but he is also a nit very affectionate/does like a lot if time on his own type of man. So that suits him.
On the other hand, I would like a more affectionate/sharing type if relationship. But if I am alone, I wouldn't be getting that anyway if that makes sense?

How do I see the situation when we are both retired?
Probably similar in leading separate lives together if that makes sense.

On affection... if you're alone you are no worse off than you are now. However, if you want affection and you're not getting it, that's going to make you increasingly unhappy and resentful as time goes on. While you are paired up with your 'flat mate' you are not only unmotivated to find someone new, you could feel deterred from doing so by his presence. Difficult to bring a new boyfriend home with the current set-up. You will have a lot of regrets if you end up waving your DCs off to lives of your own only to be left feeling that life has passed you by. Plus there's nothing more demeaning than sex with someone you don't like much...

Of course DH is happy with the set-up because, despite being impossible to live with, nothing has changed for him.

I don't think it's too challenging to be a single parent.
Money would be an issue and being able work would be another hurdle (I currently work late 3 days a week).
But what I am looking at is how good the 'trade in' would be, ie what would be harder and would be easier compare to now.
What would be the impact on the dcs and DH.

Just as much as we are co parenting well at the moment, I could DH being a pain if I tell him I want a divorce. Not sure it would be amicable which then creates more problems for the dcs

And also perhaps wondering of yourself why on earth you did not leave earlier and why your adult children now don't visit you much either.

They pick up all too easily on the misery at home; you do not have to even shout at each other for them to eventually realise how miserable their parents are in their own little worlds.

Would you personally want your children to replicate a marriage like yours?. If your first thought is no, then why are you doing your bit to show them that this is somehow acceptable to you?. Its a price not worth paying.

Not wanting to change things does not mean that things should not change.

Cogito I'm not saying he is impossible to live with NOW though. And he has made loads of changes too so things have changed for him.
What hasn't changed is his love for me.

But YY re bring resentful. I do wonder about that.
I don't think I would find someone else easily though, nor do I think I could find someone where I live.

"But what I am looking at is how good the 'trade in' would be, ie what would be harder and would be easier compare to now.
What would be the impact on the dcs and DH."

With respect, you're not responsible for your DH. The wellbeing of your DCs is much more important but, even then, doesn't trump your own. Being the responsible adult sometimes means making tough choices that are unpopular or difficult. If your DH would be uncooperative in a divorce situation, that's actually not a good reason to stay married.

I would suggest that you get some legal advice. It's a serious decision and it deserves a lot of thought but also a lot of information. There's a clichéd phrase but I'll use it anyway.... 'better to travel alone than be badly accompanied'.

"I don't think I would find someone else easily though, nor do I think I could find someone where I live."

That's still not a good reason to tolerate the status quo. If you're saying you'd only leave the very damaged branch you're sitting on once you can grab hold of a stronger branch that's setting yourself up to do nothing. Sometimes you have to get out of the tree and start fresh....

By repeatedly mentioning 'someone else' you sound as if you are trying to convince yourself that you're not simply leaving in order to find the butterflies and the spark and the romance that comes with a new relationship.
Be honest with yourself. DO you want all of that ? Is it clouding your view of what is simply a martiage that's gone s bit stale, a bit rusty, a bit mundane with kids and bills and mortgages and illness ?
The very least that you should be doing is marriage counselling. Given a choice, I wouldn't chose to be s single parent but I really had no choice as I left an abusive marriage with an adultetous man.
I don't think from what you've said that you should throw it all away RIGHT NOW if there is any chance that you can fix things.

I am of the opinion that you should not stay married to someone you are afraid to leave.

Yes I agree they my situation isn't the same as someone who us cheating or is abusive. Not even the one where both partners can't stand each other and are giving the cf shower day in day out.

Well I have just bitten the bullet and came away from a marriage that was okay, in that we worked well together, we lived well together, enjoyed the same television programmes and films and generally had a nice time. But it wasn't right for me and I feel so free and content now that its over.

Being a single parent isn't too hard, especially if DH wants to be involved, my ex sees the kids at least 3 days a week and 3 mornings a week because I work so late he stays over on the sofa, so they see him a lot and I still get to work.

There are ways around these things.

All I can say is my bottom line on this subject "one life- live it to the fullest". If you feel you can do this within the relationship then ok. If however, you feel you are not living to your full potential then you should leave. Your kids will be ok, they really will. Do you think she's 25 they'll thank you for staying with him? Or will they ask you why you didn't leave if you weren't in love?

Lumiered and I totally get why that makes it wven more difficult to know what to do

People often battle with the decision to "stay" or "go". But, there's a third choice and that is to stay married but pursue separate lives/hobbies. I think in some (rare) cases it can work. If you want to look for another partner, then that's different.

I disagree with someone's comment above that your happiness has priority over that of your DCs, though. That's the tough part of being a parent...they come first really, no?

Can I ask what would you want to see in a relationship for it to be good?
Affection, communication, small talk???

I think that having made huge efforts to repair our relationship (we both did) somehow it feels wrong to throw the towel away anyway.
And also there is a bit of worry that it's some sort 'isn't the grass always greener on the other side' syndrome.