Are there some cases where it's worth staying in a marriage when you don't love your partner?

[LumieresForMe]

Being with DH for 20years, 2 primary age children.
Things happened at some point that just destroyed the love, at least on my side. I still care for him though.
I have contemplated moving out but each time, all the difficulties coming with being a single parent come back and I end up thinking it's not worth it. Not for me, not for the dcs.
We hardly argue, are co-parenting well enough and act as a team on a day to say basis. So there are plenty of advantages to stay together and plenty of disadvantages if we split up, starting by the emotional impact it will have on the dcs and DH.

The one positive thing that could happen is if it was allowing me to find someone else but I am quite certain it's not going to happen. Or rather not where I live (small town, north of England). Maybe in a more culturally diverse area but that would mean moving and it comes with lots of problem.

So I am wondering, anyone out there who has made the choice of staying even though they aren't in love anymore? Anyone that has left a marriage in these circumstances and regretted it?

OP my marriage is similar and I have no courage to leave it. I am sure if I left I would have a fair chance to find someone else if I wanted to, but then I think that I am not prevented from meeting new people in the current situation. So there is not much practical difference from being in a marriage and being divorced, apart from a mental status, of course.

I disagree with people worrying what effect bad marriage has to children. My friend has divorced her husband because of ended love, but then her daughters went on to having abusive relationships, because they had a brother who would being boyish but would get away with it, so they did not see any other male role model but their teenager brother and did not learn anything from it.

I can only say OP as my kids grow, I feel less and less mentally commited to my marriage. Hopefully I will find my strength one day.

clean having separate lives is more or less what we have atm.
Does it work? Yes to some extend.
Can I dream of something more? Yes I do dream of someone I can really share things with.
Do I want another relationship? Probably but see my concerns about not being able to anyway.

DH's parents split up when he was 21, he had left home a couple of years before. His younger brother was still at home. The marriage had probably never been right, but as they were Catholic and they sort of got on, it continued.

From some of the things that DH has said it sounds like it was fairly uncomfortable to live in the atmosphere that his parents created.

"That's the tough part of being a parent...they come first really, no?"

Not when it's at the expense of something as serious as your happiness, wellbeing or self-respect. Of course we make sacrifices for them, that's normal, but I think it is a very unfair burden to put our unhappiness on their shoulders. 'I opted to remain unsatisfied and unfulfilled.. for you' is not something any child should be lumbered with.

For me, on the other side I want someone who

• can connect with me sexual and love me in a proper manner

• can support themselves and me/us if we have children together

• is comfortable with my intelligence and inspires me to be a better person.

You appear to have answered your own question OP by not wanting to throw in the towel. If you think there's something there you can cling onto and the situation is tolerable then you really wouldn't be alone in settling for 'the devil you know'. But if you're only with him because nothing better has come along, then it would be kinder to call it a day.

This goes back to an argument often put forth on MN....that it's more "honest" to end one relationship before starting another. OP, if someone wonderfull did cross your path, would you be out the door, so to speak?

OP I'm in a very similar situation to you, no abuse or cheating but some things DH has/hasn't said or done over the years has changed my feelings and I no longer think I'm in love with him but worry it's just the rut of marriage kids stress responsibility that's the problem. I feel like there's a better happier life for me out there but something stops me leaving. I would second what others have said about marriage counseling, see if there's anything to save and if there isn't you know you tried.

^"That's the tough part of being a parent...they come first really, no?"

Not when it's at the expense of something as serious as your happiness, wellbeing or self-respect^

What about when it risks the children's happiness, well-being and self-respect? Surely, all other things being equal, that has to be prioritised, in every instance?

My Brother and his ex wife stayed together like you are suggesting.

It ended up many years later once the children were older, being one of the most acrimonious and toxic divorces I have ever known.

I think there are lots of different types of arrangement possible, without short changing yourselves.

If DH loves you, you are short changing him by faking being in a real marriage. You are short changing him by stopping him finding someone that does love him.

You are short changing yourself for settling for this. It sounds more like an arranged marriage - they work in some cultures as love is considered a bonus in a marriage, not an essential, and it's about a working partnership and family. But that's not our culture. We normally do expect love as well. And it seems very sad to turn away from that.

But you wouldn't be the only couple to do this.

However ...what then happens when your children are grown up and your reason for staying together is gone. If it seems scary to start a new type of life now, think how scary it will be in 18 years time.

I think you need to consider other possibilities. Not all divorces end up in disaster and agony. You only hear about those ones. Many are amicable arrangements.

Me and my ex husband split up and kept things very amicable. While he did move away and it was tough to be a single parent, it was better for me overall. Also, he was still a very involved parent, loads of contact, holiday time at Dad's house, attending all school and hobby events etc. although I wouldn't go so far as to say co-parenting. My son did eventually go and live with him for a year to attend a specific college. It doesn't have to be doom and gloom.

For more of a co-parenting thing, I have two examples for you:

Two friends were in a relationship, had a baby, but it wasn't working between them. They split up when child was around 4 years old. He was very calm and non-stressed about it (honestly!) because they co-parented. They really did share the care with him spending pretty much equal time with both. In fact they still get on so well as friends that 25 years later they still go on holiday together - she now has a toddler with her current partner and the original man is very involved there as well! Like a 2nd Dad. It all seems to work out very nicely.

I met a couple who'd split up, divorced, but stayed in the same house by turning it into two apartments. One larger one with her and the kids, and a smaller one for him. That way they both coparented and children moved freely between the two apartments, considering them both home.

"What about when it risks the children's happiness, well-being and self-respect?"

Still no I'm afraid. We make all kinds of decisions on a daily basis that risk causing children some unhappiness, but we make them because in our judgement it's the right thing to do either for them or for us. Some families relocate for a better life, for example, taking DCs away from friends. They're sad but they adapt. Deciding to end a marriage is a very serious decision and all parties involved have to be taken into consideration. But the ultimate decision must be an adult one and a personal one, not purely based on what the children want.

Is the way you're leading separate lives a symptom or a cause of the way your relationship is at the moment?

If your family had a change in circumstances and spent more time together would that make things better or worse?

You don't have a crystal ball so I am afraid the only way to find out what it would be like if you split up, is to split up. And then, if you find you regret your choice, that would be sad.

I think the danger is you can start over thinking such a situation and it will drive you mad.

I think you need to identify what are the fundamental principles of your life that guide YOU. because betraying those principles stands a very, very strong chance of making you very bitter and resentful down the line, and this will transmit to your children.

My fundamental principle was that I could not live with someone who neither liked nor respected me and that the difficulties of being a single parent were far, far preferable to a life half lived with someone who was unpleasant to me pretty much all the time.

Of course, if your partner isn't unpleasant then it makes the choice less easy, but possibly not less clear.

If you don't actively love each other, if you don't actively both want to walk through life together, then I would give very serious consideration to leaving. I just worry what waits for you in 20 years time when the children are gone and you look back on how you spent your life.

The decision is yours, of course, but there are still a lot of years ahead of 'living together amicably'. I think it can be done & both will be happy, but only if BOTH people understand that that's what the deal is so things are more equally divided on the homefront. And it sounds as if that's NOT your case. You will always have to be the one to give in to keep the facade going. If you regard yourself as essentially 'single' (I don't mean sex, I mean in considering what YOU want first as a single would) and he regards himself as essentially 'married' you have different decision-making mentalities and eventually they are going to collide. Deep down you will be thinking 'me', but he will be thinking 'us' and sometime, somewhere, somehow you will resent it deeply.

My only advice now is to think carefully and that you need to plan for your financial independence if at some point you decide it's no longer worth it. Or he does.

Let me rephrase; you need to plan NOW for your financial independence so if at some point in the future you decide it's not worth it you will have the ability to leave.

There, that's what I meant to say.

The 'Or he does' still stands. It's surprising how many apparently content men wake up one day and just say 'I'm out of here'. Or maybe not so surprising.

I agree about need to think now about finances.

My decision to leave was made much easier by knowledge that I could work and earn a living and would not need any financial help from my ex.

But whatever your financial position it is always much much better to make decisions on the best information possible, so have a careful look at your situation and what the financial consequences of different choices might be.

Still reading and taking it in.
across interesting point re living your life as if I was single re taking decision.
This is how it feels to me atm even if I am always extremely careful to ask him about his pov etc... Ie to act as if we were a team and take everyone needs into account.

Interestingly enough, DH used to act like this and I used to bend backwards to support him because 'it's what you do when you are a couple'. At some point I had enough and decided to stand up for myself and carve some space for myself. At the same time, he started to take the family/my needs more into account

I agree with Cogito. Children need happy parents who are able to find fulfillment in something other than their relationship with their child. Irs an unbearable burden to grow up feeling responsible for your parent's happiness. I have the therapy bills to prove it.

Op I too am in a very similar position. Haven't got along for a long time. Don't do anything together etc. I suspect that he has cheated on me but won't admit it orddiscuss it so now I am four months sleeping on a sofa with nowhere to go. We communicate only really to discuss our dc. I have totally disengaged. It's the only way I am getting through this.