Shit, I have just texted the OW

[justfoundout2014]

I found out yesterday that my estranged h bought tickets for a gig for him and the ow to go to tonight. They were bought at a point when we were supposed to be trying to make it work, though he since moved out, supposedly until next week.

They were not especially expensive, but were bought from our joint account - I am the sole earner and he has no money. I took his cards from him, but his dm persuaded me to give it back to 'tide him over' until her loan goes through. She says to make sure he pays back what he spends in the meantime.

Of course, I went mad at him - he didn't get it. Said she was going to give him the money for her ticket - not the fucking point. Don't know who he is anymore. I then sent the ow the following:

It is me you owe the money for the gig to. I accept cash or cheques. I believe you know where I live.

Of course, there was no reply. Anyway, today I saw on his email account (still hasn't changed the password) that she sent him a pinterest page with expensive kitchens on it. This despite his continual denials that he intends to set up home with her. She is still married but owns another house Is it all just a joke to them? Why are they doing this?

I have just sent another text:

Just to be clear, anything that X pays for is in fact being paid for by me. So if you could just haul your standards up from the gutter where they currently lie, my children and I would appreciate it.

I have made myself look an hysterical fool, haven't I? Btw, I know it is him I need to be angry with, and I am. I am seeking legal advice and will open a new bank account, but she knows our financial position. I would never, ever do what she is doing.

It hurts so much.

Delete her number and dont text her again. I totally empathise with how you are feeling, but no good can come of this. You cant just text every time you make another discovery. Its not good for YOU. Direct your anger at him.

Know exactly how you feel. My husband conducted his affair using my money too. He's in thousands of pounds of debt now he's left but his mummy is paying it off. They're no prize these pathetic specimens. It really hurts but eventually you feel satisfaction in the realisation that a large useless parasite has moved on to drain a new host.

cancel the cards now, before he takes anymore money. If he hasn't got an income that's his problem. You are now obviously separated and he doesn't have children to support with the joint funds, you need to reserve what you can for your dc and you.

Was he a stay at home dad, or just between jobs? I'm wondering about how this will go in a divorce, if he was a sahd then he might be able to claim maintenance from you and continue to look after the dc. If he was looking for a job, then he needs to increase that and accept any job offered to pay for his dc. If hes a lazy bum who has been sponging off of you for years then good riddance and this new woman will soon tire of him not being able to contribute to expensive kitchens/holidays/concerts/dinner etc.

The same as a lot of other people in your situation you're directing your anger at the wrong person - but you're aware of that. He's the one taking cash without permission so cut off the access. He's the one lying so confront him directly rather than this other person who is really nothing to do with you. It's easier to tackle a stranger than someone you used to have feelings for... but it doesn't really achieve anything.

of course it hurts so much - but she doesn't flipping care. Please tell me he no longer has access to your money - if he does, report the card stolen to prevent him getting another penny from you. And do delete her number.

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds shitty. If you have been supporting him though, can you legally just cut him off? It's a joint account even if you have earned it.
Don't worry about what you've texted. It's fine. And she needs telling.

I'm sorry you're going thru this - it's really shitty when you've got to handle it all on your own. I'd stop the card today and get the bank to issue a new one which you keep. Let the OW look after him if they're so keen to set up home together. If his mum wants to loan him money, great, but you don't have to support him if he's going to show such lack of respect.

Stay strong

I'd cancel his cards and he can sort himself out instead of taking from you. I'd advise you to get your own single bank account too.

Cancel the cards now if you haven't already. Delete her number and all texts from your phone before anything else happens.

Him having no money is not your problem.. let her support him, although I think she might chase him when she realises he has no income.

Although if you've been texting her I would probably act now before he empties the account.

if you have another account and this one is in joint names then transfer he cash to your account. Worry about the legalities of it later, right now I'd be worried about saving my cash to look after the dc and pay bills/food etc and not for his jollies.

Cancel the cards! That was a good text, btw. You hae nothing to be ashamed of.

I would recommend that you keep a close track of expenditure, as your ex is dipping into the marital pot, so it will be all part of full financial disclosure if or when you get into the legals of division of assets.

£x = mrjust's tickets to concert with OW,
£y = Mrjusts expenditure for doing up OWs kitchen etc.

wont that look impressive to the court on the Form E (not)!

Empty the account. If its your money and you are working. Tell the bank after as they will freeze the account if you tell them that you are separated. You are not liable to support him and his new squeeze. Seriously.

Good texts!! Probably does you good to get it out your system.
Good luck.

Silly thing is, even if he emptied our account, she would be lucky to get a tea-towel from him, never mind a bloody kitchen.

I know, I really do, that it's not about her. It just feels that they have both regressed to childhood. Planning gigs, looking at stuff I'm sure neither of them can afford, putting songs on fb then taking it down as she thought it was about her and didn't like it . Why? He was a good father, now this. And he was good. Fully operational sahd.

I spent two fucking miserable hours in CAB yesterday. Have just sat on hold for 20 minutes to tax credits, just to be cut off. All because of him. And she is pissing around planning gigs, new kitchens, while I sit in tatters. Her dc haven't lost their dad because she is too savvy to do anything until completely ready, if ever.

Just don't know what I'll say to him today. He is collecting the dc from school and then watching world cup opening ceremony with ds. I will be out mainly, but what do I say? Why can't I get through to him?

Great, isn't it, when your perfectly understandable reaction given the situation makes you feel like a hysterical idiot? But if anyone is making people look foolish, it's them. They have their heads stuck in the sand and don't want to see how blatantly disrespectful they are being, as it is not convenient and doesn't fit in with their romantic teenage love story.

Can you still get hold of the cards? His mum can give him cash if she likes. He's proven publically that he's untrustworthy, so people should understand why you don't trust him to pay you back. It's not hard to grasp.

You really think she knows about your financial situation? He hasn't been lying to her too?

If his DM is bailing him out with a loan then he can put concert tickets on her card, can't he?

I'd cancel all the cards, he doesn't deserve your good nature if he is acting like a lovestruck irresponsible idiot. You don't need to see these triggers on your bank statement.

I'm really sorry you are hurting so much and you are in a terrible position! But fgs don't text again.

(What is it with the songs? Mine would have made a mixed tape for his mistress if this had been the 1980s! Really is a regression to teenage years.)

.

Cancel his cards! He is acting terrible towards you and you don't have to put up with it anymore. If his mother is so worried then let her give him money. Focus on you and the children. He doesn't matter.

I've been there and know how much it hurts. Please don't let him play you for a fool though. You're worth so much more.

Ha, my ex didn't see why i was upset when she took the OM to a 5* hotel 2 days after she told me it was over. I pointed out that i had been worried if i could afford to take the kids for a Pizza to cheer us up. Sadly they just can't see beyond their own little world.

(luckily i didn't know about their trip or i would have taken the kids and left them in reception!!!!)

Take yourself out entirely today if you can. Trip to the cinema - something destructive, e.g. Godzilla?

No no no, don't text, phone, email the OW. Use your energy for essential things, for you and your children - cancelling cards, sorting bank accounts into your name, cutting off all his access to your cash. Let his mum and the OW sort him out. What a jerk.

Onwards and upwards, OP. You're well rid by the sound of it. Things WILL get better but, I repeat, don't let him shaft you financially any more.