How is custody decided?

[whynowblowwind]

Does anybody know?

I really want to leave DH but I think he'll try to be the main parent if that's the right term, I can't bear to lose my children

It's decided in the best interests of the DC.

Usually they would stay with the main caregiver (easy to determine if there is a SAHP, or one FT and one PT worker). Rather harder to determine if both parents work a similar number of hours (or neither work).

Age of children matters too - if they are old enough to express a reasoned opinion, that will be taken into account.

I'm a SAHM, but I think DH will present a case that I'm only able to manage due to support from him which isn't true but things just get so horribly twisted.

My son is 7. My daughter is 2 months.

You could get that support from someone else.
Unless there is good reason otherwise start from premise of shared joint residence . There is no custody anyway it's arrangements with children and it can state who they live with. Which could be lives with both.

My ex was a SAHP and still ended up with a 50:50 arrangement. In fact, my DD stays with me almost full time and DS is half and half. He said he would take the children away from me if we split up but it was a threat he couldn't carry through.

I'm petrified of losing them.

I want to leave so much but I am so unbelievably frightened of losing my children. I'm not a brilliant mum. But I love them SO much.

Why would you lose your children? Worse case scenario really, unless you have something like a serious drug or alcohol dependency or are violent etc...is that you will have to share access. Even if there is something major like that you would still prob not lose contact. You won't lose your children.

Definitely not drugs or alcohol.

I have had mental health problems, since I had DS. I kept drifting off to sleep and when I did in that state when you're not asleep or awake I would have a vision, of sorts. The recurring one would be throwing baby DS into upcoming traffic, usually under a lorry. It was awful, I would sit up in shock and crying.

I never got help for this as I mentioned them to the HV who misunderstood and said "so you want to throw your baby in the road" which wasn't it at all. I never mentioned it again but DH knows. I also got/get horrible noises, I would hear a man shouting at me and I kept hearing a dog growling. I also frequently get a sensation that the room is turning upside down, this again is when I'm going to sleep.

So I am barking mad but I have learned to live with it, I'm not violent or abusive, the main issue is that because of the visions I am frightened to be in a house alone at night or any time really but it's worse at night time.

Mh problems are not a concern if you are getting help for them. So go toyour gp. Get a proper diagnosis and support.

Sharing care oif children is not losing them.

Why do you want to leave h ?

You need to get help - to be honest those kinds of hallucinations could have a physical cause. It is unlikely that anyone would take a 2 month old from you; even if they had to treat you they would try to find a mother and baby placement.

However you also need to get away from your husband, who is threatening you and attempting to control you.

I would suggest phoning women's aid.
SS would aim to keep your children with you and get you help you need (it is bluntly much cheaper).

Have you ever heard of sleep paralysis? Happens as you are dropping off to sleep and you can have visual/ auditory hallucinations during it. I wonder if that could be the cause of your "vision s". Please Google it. I used to get it a lot and noticed it was more frequent during times I was particularly stressed.

You really should get some help. I would think It would be more likely to go against you if you didn't get help....

You could have a PND related mental health issue which can be helped by a doctor.

Please make yourself an appointment ASAP

Go and get help. First point of call should probably be your gp. The whole "i will have your children taken off you if you leave" is a fairly common threat, often in the context of an abusive relationship.
mentioned al health issues per se are not necessarily deciding factors in custody cases. The more important question is how does it affect your ability to parent. Have you been assessed for post natal depression?
please seek some professional support. If there ever were court proceedings that would actually demonstrate that you are responsible and protective.

I really, really don't want to go down the inevitable route of doctors and social services. It had all but tapered off, when DS was about 14 months, but started again with dd.

It did leave me vulnerable to depression and just less robust than I was before. But people twist what you say so horribly. So I really don't want to have it officially documented anywhere that I thought about throwing my son into traffic, even though I didn't, the thought was sporadic, it was just an image that was THERE.

It upsets me even thinking about it.

You need to go and seek help! You need to see specialists. The HV was ignorant and massively out of her depth. If you won't see your GP then phone someone like Samaritans or Mind.

If you refuse to ask for help, you are much more likely to have it seen that you are putting your children at risk.

OP, intrusive thoughts like hurting your baby or yourself are really common. Seriously. It sounds like your health visitor is a bit ignorant or incompetent.

Most people hearing that would try to work out if you were suffering from an anxiety-related condition such as OCD. Your other hallucinations could also be caused by anxiety or depression - both are known causes of auditory hallucinations.

I have OCD, and absolutely horrifying intrusive thoughts. But, like you, I know they are horrifying and not something I want to happen.

I think you need to speak to your GP.

If your H is abusive then any MH issues you have will improve once you have got rid of him.

Did you have mental health problems before you had your children or before you had a relationship with this man? You say you want to leave him, and that he is threatening to separate you from your children, which suggests that the problem here is his abuse of you rather than your mental health.

I have had intrusive thoughts and auditory hallucinations. I know what they are - brain farts. So they are not a big deal. Loads of people have them, particularly mothers of young babies. Very few people who have them act on them.

I actually meant to link this section - it may be a little bit distressing, as it describes some intrusive thoughts.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intrusive_thoughts#Postpartum_depression

Really, badtime and SGB?

Do other people honestly get them? I have seriously thought I am teetering on the edge of sanity for ages, I can NOT tell you what it means to be told it isn't just me.

As for my mental health, I'm not sure, really! I was so young when I met DH and I was only 23 when I married him, 24 when I got pregnant with DS and then I turned 25 that winter and DS was born in the early spring. I lost my own mum very young and having DS and becoming a mum seemed to bring loads back about my own mum, and I was really struggling. I did not bond with him at all initially, although I had a lightbulb moment when he was about 6 months and I have been his most ardent supporter ever since, he is gorgeous in every sense of the word, he really is.

I'm now wondering if I'm actually fine - a tad depressed after both children, but fine - and I've spent years thinking I'm a step away from being locked up.

Yes, pretty much everybody gets the thoughts, but for most people they are just fleeting things that they barely notice. If someone is particularly anxious or depressed, though, they can focus on the thoughts, wondering what it 'really means', and this can lead to further distress and a sense of being 'out of control'. This is sort of why people develop OCD, as a way of trying to get control back (it doesn't work).

As for being locked up, I have had intrusive thoughts for about as long as I have had thoughts - I remember having them when I was a toddler! - and I have never been locked up or anywhere close to it. I have been seeing a therapist who has helped me to contextualise them properly. A good therapist could do the same for you.

You are not alone! You are not unusual in this either.
I had similar after DS was born - I would be carrying him and suddenly a thought would pop into my head - "oh god, what if I suddenly flipped and threw him down the stairs?" and it would be accompanied by a vision of this happening. I would react with a physical jolt of utter horror and panic.

I think it's because you have a biological urge to protect your child, and your brain throws up these horrific images as a kind of worst case scenario. Only effect it had on me was to hold my DS tighter.

A very helpful piece of writing I read at this time said something along the lines of "You can't control what thoughts are going to come into your head. You don't know what you'll think next. So why should the thought affect you? Why assign any more importance to one thought over another? Just acknowledge it, and wait for the next thought, another will be along in a second."

I agree with SGB in suspecting that these thoughts and your general anxiety might improve when you leave your husband.

I agree with all of the above, the only problem you have re. these thoughts is the distress they cause you and that you didn't realise how common it is.

What a horrible HV and husband, who could have set your mind at rest years ago.

As long as it remains your dirty little secret, there's a good chance he will use it against you. It will look so much better if you have some professionals backing you up. His threats could actually be very helpful, if you use them as a catalyst to seek help and reassurance. I had the odd bizzare thought creep into my head when DD was little and I hadn't even thought about it until I read your post. Even before DD I would have the odd 'What if xyz' thought but as they were so infrequent I can't even say specifically what they were or when they happend. The thing about bullies is that their greatest fear is not being feared and that means standing up to them. Please see this as an opportunity to get support external to your husband. Come on OP, you are much stronger than you realise.

Just wanted to echo what badtime said that it very much sounds like intrusive thoughts that everybody gets from time to time. Some people more than others but it is the meaning that you give them which causes the distress.
The other things you describe such as hearing things or feeling things just as you are getting off to sleep do not sound like psychosis ( ie hallucinations) more like stress and over tiredness. I work in mental health btw.
I can understand you not wanting a paper trail of your symptoms especially if you think you are " barking mad" but on the basis of what you have told us,you just sound over wrought. Even if you did have mental health issues your husband cannot use that as a basis to take your children from you.
I really think you would benefit from talking to someone about this and your GP as a good starting point.