How is custody decided?

[whynowblowwind]

Does anybody know?

I really want to leave DH but I think he'll try to be the main parent if that's the right term, I can't bear to lose my children

You really need to go to the doctors as it's probably just postnatal depression and no one will remove your children for that if you are getting treatment to cope. Medication will help with the feelings of unreality etc. please go to the doctors.

The thing to keep in mind, whynow, is that a nice, caring DH would have been focused on wanting to help you with these thoughts and fears, not using them as a stick to beat you with. Ergo, he is not part if the solution, which straight away leads to the possibility, as others have said, that he is part of the problem.

Do not be afraid to talk to your GP about these thoughts, emphasising that they are unwelcome and do not reflect how you feel about your baby. You are not alone.

Please don't be afraid to go to the GP. You say 'the inevitable social services', well it's not inevitable at all. And even if GP did refer, honestly they are there to help despite all the scare stories. (Let's face it, who is going to admit they were abusing their children so they were removed for their own safety, those parents are going to claim they were targetted unfairly).

Mental health issues are very common. If you are still afraid about being locked up - ha, there are people out there pleading and begging for residential help because they desperately need it, but there aren't enough places. You don't get residential care unless it's practically life or death.

Hallucinations of all types can be caused by many different things. Stress and anxiety can be a factor. There are also physical causes.

From NHS website
Hallucinations and sleep

It is relatively common for people to have hallucinations just as they're falling asleep (hypnagogic), or as they start to wake from sleep (hypnopompic).
You may hallucinate sounds or see things that don't exist, such as moving objects or even a formed image such as a person (people may think they've seen a ghost).
Hypnagogic and hypnopompic hallucinations are especially common in people with the sleep disorder narcolepsy, although they are also common in people without this or any disorder. They are essentially like dreams, and in themselves are nothing to worry about.

Ive had the auditory hallucinations when I was under stress for a long time, I thought I was going mad as well and yes to the worse at night or trying to nap !!
Funnily enough I was in a shit relationship at the time and had been for several years and hada young child at the time.
Now theres no shit relationship im a lot less stressed and I dont hear things anymore.
I like sgbs description of a brain fart !!

Well, I have been thinking about this all day, and I have to say, knowing I am not mad (and I really, really did when I had DS, I was convinced I was losing my mind) is - odd.

I won't go to the doctor, as I don't want tablets: I need to be more with it and alert than ever before.

I'm so grateful for your responses xx

Yes, I like the brain fart analogy as well!

It's interesting you mention being in a shit relationship though. The thing is I am almost positive DH knew I wasn't mad, his profession and level of education pretty much guarantees it, but for a long time we have had me not doing this and that because "you might get ill again" but if I wasn't ill that puts a questionable slant on things really ...

Yip they sometimes like to keep you 'needy' and ill to make them feel like the big man.
I never went to the gp either.

How inadequate ARE these men, that the only way you'll stay is if you think you're INSANE?

The stupid thing is, I loved him! I don't now, but I did! There was no need, none at all.

I did get pretty bad in myself once but even then I didn't DO anything, I was functioning, I was working full time, I did keep thinking of suicide but I wouldn't have done it, I don't think. I was just desperate and suicide felt like an option and having options at that point was important.

It's like - I wouldn't, but knowing I could end it, helps, when I'm in a bad way.

Whynow: It's bog-standard abuser behaviour with a big weight of cultural pressure behind it. The idea that women are 'delicate', helpless, irrational and need a Big Strong Man to take ownership of them is one promoted by men, of course, because men-as-a-class need women to be vulnerable, obedient and grateful. The concept of women as fragile flowers tends to disappear when women in general or an individual woman have to get stuck in to physical labour because there aren't enough available men to do it...

Just another one coming to say that yes, intrusive thoughts - very common, I had them-horrid though. And I had a very happy, settled, no PND or other issues newbon experience.

I read that they are a response to motherhood - to having something SO IMPORTANT that you have to protect. Your primal brain starts accessing that 'instinctive', 'be on high alert for dangers' set of patterns. But because we don't have to assume that every clump of grass might hide a predator, we start overreacting to the bread knife we're currently holding and imagine plunging that into the baby instead...

Google it, it's normal. NORMAL!

Do you know what I would do? I would go to my GP and have a conversation something like this-

'I am worried and would like your opinion on something. When I had my first child I had for a while quite a lot of 'intrusive thoughts' about awful things happening to the baby. I spoke to my HV at the time but she was dismissive. I've since read up on intrusive thoughts and now understand that they are a normal phenomenon associated with making the transition to motherhood (maybe here wave printout of some info).

'My issue is that my husband is, I consider, emotionally abusive. We are separating. I talked to him at the time about my intrusive thoughts and he has since then used this information against me, from teasing me that I am 'not right' to threatening me that I need to get help, that I am insane etc. this is one reasoner are splitting. He has now stated that he will try and get residence of the children I the grounds of my 'mentL health problems'. Could you advise me on whether I need to take action within the GP service to eg be assessed in any way to refute these claims?'

Oh and by the way he doesn't want custody - he wants you to be too frightened to leave him.

nice, caring DH would have been focused on wanting to help you with these thoughts and fears, not using them as a stick to beat you with. Ergo, he is not part if the solution, which straight away leads to the possibility, as others have said, that he is part of the problem

This.

And I want to add I had intrusive thoughts. Worse when I'm stressed. Much worse. Both in severity of the thought, frequency of them and how distressed they make me.

There was a really long thread about it a while ago, loads and loads of people 'admitting' their intrusive thoughts, but it might have been in chat so I think it has vanished.

Oh and seriously, go to the doc. You want it on record that you have sought help. The ones that ss are interested in are people who have a problem but are in denial. There aren't many local authorities with the time or budget to pester normal people who seek help for a common problem, and monitor their own health and get help if and when they need it.

The doc won't prescribe pills if you don't want them. You might be offered a chance at a therapy if you want, or you can just say no to everything, and use the visit to say that you feel you are managing ok, but want to know what to watch out for. Every doc I have spoken to has been great with this sort of thing.

Good luck OP. You sound like a nice normal person who is being goaded and put down by a total twat.

Actually. As ever. bruno totally nailed it.

(Not stalking you bruno, but fuck me, you do trot some bloody good stuff out)

Eek sorry for typos.

By the way, you sound as sane and sensible as the very boring jumper I am currently wearing. Don't doubt yourself. Start changing your thinking. Your H has been abusing you, pretty cleverly.

Stay on here for advice, there are some great, clever, funny people on here with highly sensitive bullshit detectors.

DocDaneeka what a nice thing to say.

You're very kind, but I also know there's absolutely no way I can go to the GP. I do realise what you're all saying; it's just that I'm not confident I'd be able to explain. I know everyone says SS aren't child snatchers and so on but the snob in me is instinctively racing to the surface at the mention of Gps and SS. We aren't "that" type of family and I hate the thought of it, I really do.

I do wonder about my Gps, though! The one I have at the moment is actually pretty good, to be fair, so maybe (have had crap ones in the past.)

I guess what's left is LTB, then, or more accurately trying to get the B out cause it's my house ... although I don't care much about that any more really.

OP you haven't hurt your children or put them at risk. If you feel there is a serious danger that you will, obviously you need to get help. But if it's a case of having these intrusive thoughts but any real danger of you taking action to hurt the children, it's unlikely to be a social services matter. Stop telling your partner about these thoughts...he's not helping you, he's adding to your stress.

*'not being any danger' I meant

I don't tell him any more, I haven't really mentioned it to anyone for ages.

But he knows and also sometimes, if I have heard something and I ask him - like "did you say my name, did you call me?" and he hasn't, he knows then as well.

I'm about as dangerous as a goldfish but it's just the way things got twisted after DS, and I have to admit I felt very spaced out and very unreal. I know I'm not dangerous but someone could argue I could be.

So for example, I sometimes now (after DD) feel as if I am stepping outside of myself, it's as if I'm there in body but in mind I'm drifting above everything, then I jolt back. Someone could argue she could crawl away (when she's older) and come to harm when I'm spacing out. This wouldn't happen as I'm in control of it - it's like a daydream, but a very intense one, almost self medicating.

Perhaps I am mad, I probably sound it!

Listen
Having mental health difficulties absolutely does not lead to social services as a matter of course. We are interested in protecting children from harm and nothing you have described sounds like they are at risk of harm.
If GPs referred every mother with pnd to social services 1- they would be laughed at 9/10 times and 2- social services would be literally overwhelmed with this stuff. It's not a child protection issue so please don't assume you will be referred.

Ah, thanks :)

I just don't think I need to see my GP; I hate going anyway, and also I really don't want to talk about it, any of it. I want to separate from my husband. I want this to be amicable, but it won't be, so it's damage limitation. I wish I didn't have to send the children's lives into turmoil, but I just CAN'T stay much longer. It's awful!

So start by seeing a solicitor and planning the separation. The starting point on division of assets of the marriage is 50:50 - you need advice on whether your house is such an asset.

Also consider your ability to get a mortgage - what could you get, if you need to give him, say, a lump sum that is his share of the assets of the marriage. It's likely least disruption will be caused to the children if they can carry on living in the place they've known at home. [but there are other considerations - do you want to carry on living where you are or might there be another area of the country where you'd get more support from family/friends]

Think about job hunting - what are your plans longer term in terms of finding work? You may not be able to carry on being a stay at home parent, certainly not once your youngest is five, given the current rules on income support and it's worth thinking about what sort of employment you might want and any training you'd need/want to do over the next few years to make that possible.

Also think about childcare - what are your options for childcare that don't rely on him or his family members, for times when you need to go somewhere without your children? If the separation won't be amicable, then you don't want to be relying on him for childcare.

How bad does staying at home by yourself with the children feel? You are going to need to find a way of dealing with this if you are to separate in the longer term. Having a read of some material about cognitive behavioural therapy might give you some strategies to help yourself. In the short term are there relatives/friends who might be willing to come and stay with you for a while?

No relatives and no family at all. Also I've never claimed benefits, and I don't plan to which is why I can't leave at the moment as I'm not working.

The house is owned outright, if we were to sell it (which would break my heart as it's the house I grew up in but hey, bricks and mortar) I'd have plenty left to buy another property outright, just not such a salubrious house as this one.

Essentially I won't have any support at all, but pointing this out repeatedly doesn't help me to be honest.