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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Arguing about me going out

27 replies

Gracegrace · 11/06/2014 22:54

Dh and I always seem to be arguing at the moment about me going out in the evening. I have quite a few groups of friends ie work, baby club, school and it seems to be a really busy time for socialising. This has meant that recently I have had invites to go out at least once or twice a week for the last few weeks. I always ensure it doesn't inconvenience dh (so check first whether he has plans) but dh is getting annoyed with it.

I think he is feeling a bit hurt that I would prefer to spend time with friends, but if I was at home we would just be watching tv. He doesn't go out with friends at all but does go to the gym around 3 early evenings a week.

He hasn't said I can't go out but always moans and groans when I mention something. And will put in a few snide remarks for good measure.

Am I going out you much? Really?

OP posts:

Lweji · 11/06/2014 23:31

So, effectively he still has more personal time than you?

I think you need to put a stop to his attitude asap.

It's nice when he goes out, and you're home for him, keeping him company when he's in, but you aren't effectively allowed out? Even worse because he won't even be upfront about it.

sykadelic · 12/06/2014 02:55

It's not really about us, it's about you and your DH.

If we were talking about me and my relationship, once or twice a week wouldn't matter depending on the day and what time I left/got back.

My husband and I finish work at 3pm, but he gets home first (4pm vs. 4.30). Bed at 10pm. So that's 6 hours or so. Less time together wouldn't suck because like you, we'd just watch TV/movie, eat dinner or talk.

I asked my husband whether it would bother him and his immediate, no consideration answer was yes. When I asked him to explain why it bothered him, he said "well it depends. Do I know them?" His main issues are he doesn't trust anyone (it's not about me cheating, it's about them hurting me in some way - he's extremely protective) and the frequency of the meet-ups (why do they have to be so often?).

I think you need to cut back the visits to every other week, or include your husband in outings, either by inviting people over for him to meet, or taking him out.

sykadelic · 12/06/2014 02:57

**Sorry my second sentence seemed contradictory to the rest. What I meant was, once or twice a week wouldn't matter if it wasn't EVERY week and depending on timings etc

MexicanSpringtime · 12/06/2014 04:09

It strikes me as grand that you go out once or twice a week, but I would worry that when you are with your husband you aren't doing anything interesting.

Rather than going for the lowest common denominator, both staying watching tv, maybe you could both go out at times and also find interesting things to do together

Lweji · 12/06/2014 07:31

Yes, he could cut his gym to once or twice, you could cut your nights out to once or twice (oh, wait...) and you could go out together once or twice.

Do you even watch tv together? Or is it only what he likes?

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 12/06/2014 08:44

He goes to the gym (which I assume is his fun activity) three times a week, but has a problem with you having a couple of evenings out yourself? That's more than a little selfish. I get that maybe it means you don't spend much time together, but you need a life outside of your relationship.

DH and I struggle with this. He doesn't go out much, he prefers to stay at home, while I spend 1/2 evenings a week with friends. The thing is, I NEED that time to myself, otherwise I get swallowed up in marriage and motherhood and start feeling like I'm losing myself. So we try to strike a balance - we make an effort to actually do stuff together, even something as mundane as cooking, because it keeps us connected.

He can't tell you what you can and can't do. If you need the social life, go ahead and have fun, and try and figure out another way to connect with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/06/2014 08:56

What is he like in other areas of your relationship?. This is fast becoming a power and control issue.

Do you think its getting to the point whereby you are thinking about not going out now due to the hassle you will get from him either before or after the event?.

bobbywash · 12/06/2014 09:23

It all depends on the timings of it from my perspective.

If he is at the gym which delays his return home for 2 hours 3 times a week but is then with you, I can see why he might be upset that you are gone for 2 evenings and don't return to spend time with him. If you're not out for any longer than he is he just needs to "wind his neck in".

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/06/2014 09:27

Watching TV sucks the life out of life. When you are on your death bed are you going to wish you had spent more time on the sofa watching Eastenders or that you had spent more time doing what you wanted to do?

Does your once or twice a week add up to more or less than the time at gym three times a week? If not then point this out to him.

Lilaclily · 12/06/2014 09:29

I really couldnt stand to be married to someone who wanted to control what I did with my free time

My dh goes out once a week

As long as he's in & not doing anything else he doesn't mind when I go out

NickiFury · 12/06/2014 09:30

sykadelic I think your DH sounds quite controlling actually. I assume you'd be going out with friends? Well who is going to hurt you then ? Controlling men often dress it up as being "protective".

OP I don't think you're doing anything wrong but I have been guilty of being a bit like your DH myself in the past "I don't want you to go out because I want to BE with you". It's wrong to be that way and if you're allowed to get away with it, it tends to increase. One or two nights a week is fine, seeing as he goes out for three and gets what he needs. Just because he gets that time in earlier and it's at the gym it does not mean that it's not the same as your time, you are just using YOUR free time differently to him.

NickiFury · 12/06/2014 09:33

I don't understand why OP should return to spend time with him just because he has now finished at the gym Bobby. Why doesn't he go to the gym less if he's so desperate to spend time with her.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/06/2014 09:35

sykadelic

I also felt very concerned reading your initial reply here on this thread; it read to me that your H is trying to control your every movement and dressing it up as being "protective of you". That to me reads like he wants to keep you in the cage of his own making.

I would suggest you get a copy of "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Lilaclily · 12/06/2014 09:37

This week is a busy week for us

He went out Wednesday

Tonight I've got a friends 40th

Tomorrow night I've got a works night out

If he told me I couldn't go we wouldn't be married any longer

Lweji · 12/06/2014 09:38

And I bet his early evening at the gym means you put the dc to bed, while when you go out they are already in bed.

Lweji · 12/06/2014 09:40

And dors he check with you if you have plans when he goes out?

Original poster

Gracegrace · 12/06/2014 11:00

Thanks very much for these perspectives. Really useful to hear. I wish we could go out together more often but unfortunately we haven't got family nearby so unless we pay for babysitters it doesn't really happen.

I think if there was an actual reason why I couldn't go out I would be fine with it. But I really don't want to get into counting up hours etc. dh does have to put dc to bed the nights I am out but I do it every other night but I don't think he minds that.

One of his complaints is that it disturbs his sleep. If I get in at 11pm it wakes him up and then he sleeps badly and has work in the morning. That's the only thing I take seriously really, he does have problems sleeping so I don't want to make it worse really.

Thanks again for your responses

OP posts:

DirtySkirtings · 12/06/2014 18:56

What time does he have to get up in the morning? 11pm doesn't seem unreasonably late, unless he has to be up very early?

Clutterbugsmum · 12/06/2014 19:01

One of his complaints is that it disturbs his sleep. If I get in at 11pm it wakes him up and then he sleeps badly and has work in the morning. Unless he getting up really early, this isn't really an excuse.

I go to bed around 10.30/11pm and DH comes bed much later, yes he may wake me as he is a noisy bugger but I don't moan at him about it.

sykadelic · 13/06/2014 16:38

It probably reads badly but truth be told it's not about control because I do what I want most of the time anyway, I just don't have that many friends that it's a situation that comes up - he based it solely on the OP's description.

I don't want to derail the thread but there's a lot involved with why he's so protective. I've been in this country for 5 years but the first 3 were really really awful (not with him, with other people and situations) and he doesn't want me to hate it here so bad I decide to go home.

It's slowly getting better and I'm going to sign up to be a Tupperware Consultant soon which is exciting so I'll get to meet more people that way :D

sykadelic · 13/06/2014 16:41

As for the sleep thing - if I'm woken up I apparently am quite mean to him. He's recorded it before. I don't remember it but I'll say stuff like "are you done?!" and huff and all that.

In my defense I have a sleeping disorder so my sleep is precious and the smallest wake up really affects my mood.

Though - my ex used to tell me (rant) that I had to go to bed when he did because it woke him. And I had to wake when he did or it was my fault he was late for stuff... he was emotionally abusive :S

FunkyBoldRibena · 13/06/2014 17:00

OP - name change fail?

He recorded you after waking you up? Srsly???

FunkyBoldRibena · 13/06/2014 17:00

Oh - just realised you are in an abusive relationship too. As you were.

NickiFury · 13/06/2014 17:38

How is being huffy after being woken up and saying "are you done?" in any way "mean"?

sykadelic · 13/06/2014 18:49

Thank you to everyone for your concern but I'm most definitely not being abused in any way.

I was recorded for sleep study purposes and now I've been diagnosed with a sleeping disorder. I'm the one who said it was mean. It's like my voice goes demonic and all he's doing is rotating. I don't remember it when I do it.

Carry on :)

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