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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He just will not go.

44 replies

BoldBlackCherry · 11/06/2014 18:37

I have posted a couple of times before about dp and how much of a cunt he is.

He is nasty, controlling, emotionally abusive, a bully and makes my life miserable. I get absolutely nothing out of this relationship, no affection, no nice conversations nothing. I have asked him so many times to leave but he refuses, laughs at me and blackmails me with something I've done. I have had enough tonight. He was so nice to us last night then this morning he phoned me at 6am screaming down the phone that I was a lazy Bitch and I should get out my bed, he was halfway to work and why should I be sleeping when he was up? I hung up on him and switched my phone off. I switched it on 3 hours later to find several abusive voicemails and texts telling me what a shit mum I was, I can't be arsed looking after my kids and that I am a waste of space because I don't have a job.

We don't share a bed, we haven't for months, I sleep on the sofa so I can hear dd2 better during the night, she is 1 and still wakes a couple of times but goes straight back to sleep again when I go through. I will admit that I am a very heavy sleeper and I don't always hear her before he does (he is a light sleeper) and this has caused endless arguments about my ability to parent. He wants to get social services involved and thinks they will section me (no idea why) because I don't hear my child easily at night Confused

He goes out to the pub 4/5 nights a week, he is hardly here but when he is he is vile. The way he speaks to me is disgusting, he laughs and sneers at anything I suggest and kicks off whenever I ask to go out somewhere without the kids.

He does absolutely nothing around the house. It's been 7 months since he last done a washing and the reason I know this is because it was the night I was in hospital and he didn't have a work uniform for the morning. I was recovering from surgery and he actually phoned me to shout at me for not washing his clothes before I went in Blush

I have a supportive family and my friends can't stand him but how do I get him to actually leave the house? I'm so scared of being on my own and I don't know why because anything is better than being with him. I've spent 4 years of my life with him and I suppose it's a big step to being alone.

I've been in touch with woman's aid for a while they are fantastic and helping me a lot.

I asked him to leave at 4pm when he got in from work. He said if he goes he is taking dd2 with him and I will never see her again. I'm worried about what he will do and I can't phone the police because I'll be arrested when he tells them what I done a few months ago (the blackmail he's been using)

I just can't see a way out Sad

OP posts:
Whocansay · 11/06/2014 18:43

He sounds horrible. What ever you did, can he prove it now?

BoldBlackCherry · 11/06/2014 18:44

Yes, unfortunately he can prove it and it's not even something that bad but enough to get me arrested and charged :(

OP posts:
VanitasVanitatum · 11/06/2014 18:49

Are you sure you would be arrested and charged on his say? Does he have evidence? Could you move out temporarily and take the dc?

Are you renting or do you own the house?

Whocansay · 11/06/2014 18:50

Get proper legal advice. You and you children cannot live like this. You have to call his bluff.

Paq · 11/06/2014 18:51

Are you sure it's that bad? Has he just made you believe that? Can you tell us?

Star8369 · 11/06/2014 18:53

what did you do?

mammadiggingdeep · 11/06/2014 18:54

Oh he's bluffing you...he's a bully. He sounds an absolute cock.

How can he prove what you did? Wouldn't he be asked why he didnt report it before?

Cluffyflump · 11/06/2014 18:56

What kind of evidence does he have?
I wonder if 1. He has it

  1. If it's concrete.
D0oinMeCleanin · 11/06/2014 18:58

I can see him informing them of your "crime" only after you've chucked him out going down well with them Hmm

Is his name on the tenancy/mortgage?

tigger32 · 11/06/2014 18:59

You can't let him blackmail you like this, I agree you should call his bluff. Could you take the dc and stay with friends or family for a while?

EleanorHandbasket · 11/06/2014 19:01

What did you do? I'll put money on it not being as bad as you think.

aprilanne · 11/06/2014 19:11

OP unless you put your child in danger or murdered someone /or bank robbery .it will not be that bad .take your girls go to womens aid they will help .he will probably get worse for blackmail and abuse .get to a lawyer because children stay with the parent they are with in custody battle until sorted out .so if you have them when you apply he can,t legally take them .

FunkyBoldRibena · 11/06/2014 19:13

What did you do and what evidence is there?

Also, what is the house situation? Yours, his, joint - rent or mortgage?

BoldBlackCherry · 11/06/2014 19:15

His name is not on the tenancy it's my name only.

He has just left and took dd2 with him. I couldn't stop him he was too quick out the door.

I'm not sure what to do now. I don't think he would haem dd2 but I have no idea where he is going and he wouldn't tell me and he's switched his phone off.

OP posts:
D0oinMeCleanin · 11/06/2014 19:17

He'll be back. Men like that always are. If you are worried for her, call the police.

If his name is not on the tenancy, ask your LL to change the locks.

MaryWestmacott · 11/06/2014 19:22

Realistically, who's going to look after dd2 while he's at work/the pub? He's going to bring her back.

What did you do? Is it something you'd be better off confessing to and taking the power away from him?

FreeLikeABird · 11/06/2014 19:23

How old is DD2?
It's your house, he can't come back in, phone the police, are you sure he has evidence to get you arrested for whatever you did?

TypicaLibra · 11/06/2014 19:23

Just seen your thread and your update - holding your hand.

He's just doing this to scare and intimidate you - please try to stay calm until he brings her back.

Regarding whatever it is you've done ... even if it's something like benefit fraud, shoplifting, etc, please try not to let it stop you getting shot of this vile man. As others have said it might not actually be that bad.

If you could somehow record him trying to blackmail you, blackmail is a crime as well, and something that HE could be arrested and charged for ... he would then not have this hold over you.

mammadiggingdeep · 11/06/2014 19:54

Phone the police if you think she's in danger but to be honest he's just trying to show you he's powerful by taking her. It's supposed to make you put up and shut up.

Whocansay · 11/06/2014 20:12

He will bring her back eventually when he thinks you've suffered enough or he wants to go to the pub . Them when he goes out again, change the locks.

If you call his bluff, it is likely he will do nothing. Particularly if he is either an accessory or benefited from what you did. But get legal advice. It's fear that's paralysing you at the moment.

BoldBlackCherry · 11/06/2014 20:41

He has brought her back and surprise surprise he is away to the pub. The door I locked but I doubt very much he will be back tonight, he will pull in the pub and stay with whatever lucky lady he finds.

This is such a mess Sad

Thanks for the advice

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 11/06/2014 20:46

Please don't be scared if his blackmailing. Just like he returned dd, he is bluffing you. A bully only backs down when you stand up to them. Unless its something really serious that you'd really get into trouble for, front it out. Get the locks changed tomorrow and tell him to do one!

MaryWestmacott · 11/06/2014 21:10

Get your locks changed, tell your Landlord you've split up with your partner, give your landlord copies of the keys, they should be fine about it.

You obviously don't want to talk about what it is he has to blackmail you, but really worth thinking about how you could take the power away from him on that. Coming clean to the police about it might just be the best option.

I also don't think he's going ot go to the police, that would take the power away from him (once he's done that, there's nothing left to blackmail you with), and if you did get arrested, he'd risk having to look after the DCs all by himself.

AdoraBell · 11/06/2014 21:24

If you are genuinely worried that what he is threatening will get you arrested then post again under a different NN asking if your sister / friend is in real trouble after doing X.

It's underhand I know, but there are a few police officers on here and you will get an answer. Then decide how To procede. If you were not worried about that I would advise calling the LL tonight about changing the lock first thing tomorrow.

FunkyBoldRibena · 11/06/2014 21:28

Please get the locks changed pronto. Can you call a locksmith tonight?

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