Vaguely critical dh - would this annoy you?

[DirkGentlysSecretary]

I'm not upset as such at this, just getting fed up with little, unnecessary criticisms. This sounds really daft but bear with me!

Today I had a new haircut and colour, I loved it, dh said it looked nice and suited me. We then went out for a walk, he was looking my ear and said 'What's that?? Something's stuck on you. Is it a stain?" I said it was probably a stain from the hairdye, but he says it might be hair (it was on front of my ear) but then pulled a face and said "but people don't usually have hair there " Well I do, it's fine and light but always been there. I took out my pocket mirror to check and. . There was nothing there. No hair dye mark, no visible weirdhair, nothing. He admitted later there hadn't been anything there at all. So why??

He's done this before. After I took ds out for the very first time, he decided to wait until we were in a supermarket queue to tell me I had something brown and disgusting in my ear. That was pretty embarrassing. Nothing there when I got home. I felt like I'd disgusted him.

If I wear more make up than usual he makes a special effort to tell me I don't need make up/look better without.. which is nice, but a bit annoying when I've spent time trying to look nice!

I know all this sounds ridiculous, but I never feel like he's looking at me and thinking "she looks nice!" but instead looking for something to criticise. He knows I'm not confident with my appearance, so comments like that wind me up more than they should.

He's gone all quiet and wierd with me now. . Maybe because I kept asking him about what he saw on my face until he had to admit it was nothing? It's all pretty strange. I know it probably is just me being daft, but would this annoy you?

it would because it would feel like he wanted to deflate me, make me less confident for some reason. That would upset me.

Sounds like he is expecting you to be how 'he' wants.
my dh doesnt notice anything but was quick to nit pick because i spent £50 at the hairdressers. I didnt know i had top stylist for goodness sake.

I agree with Hecate. He didn't like you happy and he wanted to bring you down.

Sorry. Not nice.

Like a 16 year old boy making sure his gf doesn't get too full of herself when looking especially attractive in case she attracts other males. Is he always this insecure?

My husband has a tendency to do similar things.

BIL has special needs and believes everything he is told.

Dd whos a toddler has had a bad cold the last few days. Dh was talking to BIL and BIL asked how me and dd were. Dh replied that hygienefreak had a cold and dh had to keep wiping my nose as i was letting it run into my mouth!!!

BIL believed this. Dh ended the call without telling him he was joking. I was livid and didnt think it was funny as i knew BIL would repeat to others what dh had said.

Dh thought it was really funny. I made him ring BIL straight back and tell him the truth

Twat!

Yes, this would annoy me. It's not so bad if he puts some credits in the compliment bank by telling you that you look lovely most of the time and then pointing out if there's something wrong. However, if he only ever comments in a negative way then either he's a miserable bastard or he's trying to make you feel bad about the way you look for some reason.

If he's generally negative about other things then I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and just try the old "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all", but if it's just your appearance that brings out this side to him you need to consider that in the context of your relationship and try to find out why he wants you to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable.

This is a bit odd imo. You were pleased with your haircut and felt good. He made up something to make you feel less confident. Hmm. Not very nice at all.

Has he got a bit of an ear fetish or what?

Yes, it is weird. But the real point here is he's doing something that upsets you, he knows it upsets you, but he still does it. Very, very unpleasant.

Have you told him to stop behaving like this?

One of my mum's sayings should suffice

'If you can't say anything pleasant then don't say anything at all'.

He really isn't very nice is he? I mean, why would he want to deliberately upset you? And he is doing it deliberately and knowing that you will be upset.

My sisters DP was the same. Always pissing on her bonfire with disparaging comments about her appearance. Part of the reason he's her ex.

My Dad used to do this sort of thing and my BIL does it to his wife. Weird huh. I notice it because of my dad. My dad was always putting my mum or I down about our appearance when he could when I was young. As I've got older I've understood that he was projecting his own self loathing onto me. My BIL loves to put his wife down esp now she is trying to improve herself. But he's actually really insecure. So is your OH insecure about his looks?

Next time:

Give him a long, thoughtful look and say 'You know, you really need to work out why you feel the need to go through this strange pantomime every now and again. I get that you're trying to put me down, but all it does is make you look insecure. Work out what you're insecure about, and deal with it - you're beginning to look like a bit of a loser.'

Oh x-post Chicken!

BrunoBrookes has given you the perfect response.

I really hope you use it OP & then come back & tell us what he said next.

This would annoy me, I like Bruno's response too.

Oh thank god, thought everyone would say I was being daft!

Yes, I did feel really deflated. It's strange, because if I ask him how I look, he'll say I look lovely - but he rarely says it without prompting. He also pretty much never touches me unless he wants to have sex, whereas I'm a really cuddly person and I've had to hold back on that side of myself. I don't know. None of these things are the end of the world though. And I don't feel like he always makes me feel I look rubbish but I can guarantee that when we're alone, if we're on a date for eg, 9 times out of 10 he'll find something to "comment" on.

I wish I could brush it off, but the start of our relationship was a bit shit, and if we went anywhere with a group of his/mutual friends he would ignore me the whole night. Once I went up to talk to him and he laughed "fuck off!" in my face. In my defence, I did break up with him that night! If we met his friends, he'd rarely introduce me, the worst being a few weeks after our wedding we bumped into a old school friend, DH didn't introduce me at all, so I introduced myself by name, friend laughed and asked if I was his girlfriend, DH was all, "nononono!! haha!" and I had to explain I was his bloody wife! Another fight ensued as I tried to explain how shit that made me feel. He has improved but obviously I still have some baggage from that behaviour and I never feel really secure with him in some ways. In other ways he's a brilliant husband, helps with housework loads (as he should ) looks after/plays with kids, cooks a lot etc.

Bruno I do love that comment and will absolutely use it next time! He is really insecure about his looks. At the time today I did say, "Can we just go out together without you criticising some part of my appearance? Would that really be so hard??" and he was off with me for hours after.

The thing that bugs me though is, is he just telling me when I have stuff on me/mucky face? Surely that's fine? But now I know he does it over literally nothing, what do I do with that? Well, obviously now I have Bruno's comment Maybe I should start detailing every nose hair of his, the patches he missed when he was shaving, or that fact he hasn't shaved for days is making him look a bit scary, or the bit of hair that's sticking up.. etc etc, the stuff that I'm usually too nice to nitpick about!

Wholeheartedly agree with Bruno.

He's leaning towards the pathetic side of things isn't he? This is a complete reflection on how he feels about himself, and needing to bring you down so he feels better.

It's emotionally abusive. You felt good, he could see you feeling happy/confident and he took you down a peg or two.

Nasty.

Bruno has nailed it

Long term though, why would you stay with someone who professes to love and cherish you....but appears to want to diminish you ?

I think he has a bit of a nasty streak tbh. Making something up. In the past telling you to fuck off in front of his mates.
A spitefull "teenage boy keeping girlfriend in her place cause he's immature" mentality.

My DH can be brutally honest and too blunt at times ... but he would be fine with me wearing clothes/make-up even if he disliked them (we have completely different taste) and more to the point would never do something as downright odd as make up a mark/hair patch that wasn't there!! That is just picking on someone like a rude 13 year old might.

But he's a grown man. Bang out of order.

Grr! Ok, getting angry now. Had to get through a rough patch where he was verbally abusive when angry, that's improved thank god, now this?

He'd better bloody start.. undiminishing me? Is that even a word?
I will make sure I keep my confidence up, and might start nitpicking over tiny things to do with his appearance to see if he cottons on to how hurtful it can be.

Trouble is Dirk, that only works if he has doubts about himself. My ex would just dismiss stuff like that when I tried tit for tat, as he just didn't believe it to be true.

Why do you need to "manage" this ?

So he "used" to be verbally abusive and he has simply changed his MO ?

This what abusers do, love

They simply switch to another form of abuse when they realise you have rumbled them

This is no way to live

Ah just read your recent post and he does have issues. Tbh I can't believe you stayed with him after all the denying you were with him and telling you to F off

I know you have DCs now so not so easy to just walk away but he sounds like he was pretty awful in the beginning and is still disrespecting you. I hope you're strong enough to stand up to this shitty behaviour.