Vaguely critical dh - would this annoy you?

[DirkGentlysSecretary]

I'm not upset as such at this, just getting fed up with little, unnecessary criticisms. This sounds really daft but bear with me!

Today I had a new haircut and colour, I loved it, dh said it looked nice and suited me. We then went out for a walk, he was looking my ear and said 'What's that?? Something's stuck on you. Is it a stain?" I said it was probably a stain from the hairdye, but he says it might be hair (it was on front of my ear) but then pulled a face and said "but people don't usually have hair there " Well I do, it's fine and light but always been there. I took out my pocket mirror to check and. . There was nothing there. No hair dye mark, no visible weirdhair, nothing. He admitted later there hadn't been anything there at all. So why??

He's done this before. After I took ds out for the very first time, he decided to wait until we were in a supermarket queue to tell me I had something brown and disgusting in my ear. That was pretty embarrassing. Nothing there when I got home. I felt like I'd disgusted him.

If I wear more make up than usual he makes a special effort to tell me I don't need make up/look better without.. which is nice, but a bit annoying when I've spent time trying to look nice!

I know all this sounds ridiculous, but I never feel like he's looking at me and thinking "she looks nice!" but instead looking for something to criticise. He knows I'm not confident with my appearance, so comments like that wind me up more than they should.

He's gone all quiet and wierd with me now. . Maybe because I kept asking him about what he saw on my face until he had to admit it was nothing? It's all pretty strange. I know it probably is just me being daft, but would this annoy you?

AF is right, he's not stopped being verbally abusive at all, he's just found a cleverer form of verbal abuse to get his kicks from.

It's not just about making you feel bad about your appearance, the whole telling you that you've got something weird or disgusting on your face, or ear, or whatever, when you're out in public, is designed to make you feel really destabilised, self-conscious, ashamed, thinking that others will think you're gross, etc. Torturers actually use similar methods on long-term captives.

He used to get his kicks from denying his attachment to you. Once he couldn't get away with that, he used to anger to abuse you. Now you've shown him that you'll not tolerate the anger, he's moved onto something more sinister, because he's chosen something that makes you sound trivial if you complain about it (you're NOT, btw). First it was controlling you by denying you, then anger, now by destroying your confidence in your appearance.

Abusers can do lots of housework, play with their kids and cook. It doesn't stop their abusive behaviour being abusive, or somehow lessen it.

Also, doing housework, cooking and interacting with your own children should be givens in a relationship. That you give the absolute basics expected of a husband and father as his good points, is very telling. It's like you're grateful for anything you can get.

He sounds ill mannered and unpleasant, to put it mildly.

Undermining you by making frequent, negative comments about your appearance, especially when untrue, is just horrible behaviour. Some abusers do this. Making up stories about bad breath is another one that people report. Stupid, little things, guaranteed to make the victim feel awkward and hesitant.

I wouldn't play tit for tat but investigate any supposed problems at once then make a direct challenge to him. 'You said I had x on my face. I don't. Why did you say that please?' And if he's off with you, ask him what the matter is (once only).

So he's not 'vaguely critical', he's a proper sneering, vindictive, bullying, nasty piece of work, and always has been?

Oxfordbags is right.

He sounds awful and will chip away at your confidence and your innate sense of self.

My ex used to do this. He would touch my face and say my eyebrows were all over the place, make up was smudged or I had marks on my face or clothes. Or he would tell me to chew gum because my breath smelt so bad. Or say how fat certain clothes made me look (I'm slim). It was often just as we got in the car so was too late to change anything. I know now that it was all part of his emotional abusive ways. It's such a relief to get away from him. Hope you can do the same OP.

Just a hunch, but his comments seem to be coming when you've made an effort and look your best. Does he feel threatened when you feel good about yourself? Is it about control?
Yes I would be annoyed.
I'd think he had a problem (psychological) and feel it wasn't healthy for me to be around. You're already questioning yourself been by asking yourself whether you have a right to feel annoyed.
Do YOU feel annoyed?

Sorry OP but this man is abusive and hates women. End of. That's why he does it, that's why you feel jittery and uncomfortable all the time.

Was it your dad, your brother, your mother or a schoolteacher who taught you that being verbally and psychologically abused is 'good' for you and will make you a 'better person'? Because someone did, otherwise you would have told this inadequate bully to fuck off the first time he started deliberately hurting your feelings because he enjoyed it.

A few more years of this, OP, and you will be so worn down you will believe every criticism he makes.

Do your kids hear his criticisms of you? If they do, they are learning that you as a person do not deserve respect. If they don't, it's only a matter of time. Your husband is showing them how to treat you, and how women in general should be treated.

OP if you don't mind me asking, why on earth did you marry him? He sounds a total wanker and sounds like he's always been one.

He's emotinally abusive. How old is your DS? My exH started out like this soon after I had my first child and over the course of the next few years it dgenertaed into a full blown abusive relationship. Men like this often start soon after the first child is born.

It's strange, because if I ask him how I look, he'll say I look lovely - but he rarely says it without prompting. He also pretty much never touches me unless he wants to have sex, whereas I'm a really cuddly person and I've had to hold back on that side of myself. I don't know. None of these things are the end of the world though. And I don't feel like he always makes me feel I look rubbish but I can guarantee that when we're alone, if we're on a date for eg, 9 times out of 10 he'll find something to "comment" on.

He is awful. So you have to hold back parts of your personality and ask for affection from him? My ExP was exactly like this. It ground me down and made me feel like shit. Sounds like you stand up to it a lot more than I did though - calling him out when he does it - which is good.

This is more than annoying, it's nasty.

Well his behaviour is very toxic and bordering on abusive and I'm not surprised you've said he is insecure. My Dad used to act a bit like this. Put me down, I'd protest, he'd say he's only being honest and he'd sulk. He still does it to my mum sometimes. I never used to understand why because I always thought my mum was so attractive. As a result of his behaviour I ended up attracted to men like your DH - I thought I was repulsive and I didn't question the behaviour. I have since seen a therapist and now know that I would never put up with that sort of abuse. I now have a lovely OH who adored me. You deserve to be adored too.

Can I ask a genuine question?
Why are you with him?
He has treated you appalling from the things you've said.
Telling you to fuck off in front of people, almost denying you're his wife Making up stains/weird brown things in your ear, isn't affectionate unless he wants sex?
He sounds unstable, abusive and downright nasty.
Can't remember if you said you have DC with this man, if you do, what happens if he does this to them?
There is nothing redeeming about this horrible character.
I'm not usually a LTB type but please, LTB.
The world is full of wonderful, kind, supportive men who would cherish you.

I have been married 18 years and DH has never once belittled me, put me down or criticised me in a aggressive or passive aggressive way. I'm sorry but your H sounds horrible. Why did you marry him after he was such a total shit to you? He seems like a control freak.

I wouldn't put up with the moody silent treatment either, after you had to say 'what exactly is it?" (about the mucky ear) and then he gets the hump with you for hours??

Not sure completely that he crosses the line to 'abusive' but agree that it is really childish and mean...

Making up a lie to make you feel uncomfortable is more that annoying, it's a pathetic calculated way to cause you distress. He wouldn't repeat this behaviour if it didn't benefit him in some twisted way.

My Ex would make up negative stuff that other people supposedly said about me and my response was always a look of 'I couldn't care less' and then I would ignore it. When I ended the relationship I realised that this was a pattern of calculated behaviour designed to make me feel bad about myself. I should have called him on it, rather than ignoring it.

Squidstirfry, he's making up shit to make her feel at best uncomfortable and at worst humiliated. When she rightly calls him on it, he reverts to silent moddyness because there's no justifiable reason for such behaviour and he wants to punish her for daring to object. Your right, the delivery is childish but the motive makes it abusive.

Sorry, but sounds as though he enjoys messing with your head. Awful behaviour.

haven't read the thead. is he aspie and doesn't realise how upsetting this is? if so, he will be deeply disturbed by something out of place and will have to tell you. he means no harm. you need to train him to tell you such things privately.
if he doesn't have aspergers, he's horrible and should stop undermining you. and you should be planning your escape, for when you can't stand it any more. and doing things to boost your self-confidence to help you withstand his criticisms.
you could also try doing exactly the same thing to him, aspie or not.

thead?
nice new word.
I would have meant 'thread', I'm sure.

Dirk, I read your posts and know exactly how you feel. I have been through very similar but have escaped.

He is trying to keep you low and insecure by constantly undermining your confidence, belittling you, then ignoring you as a punishment when you pull him up on it. All, IMO, designed to keep you under control and exactly where he wants you.

It is a very unhealthy way to live, for you and your DCs. Your DCs will have this as a model for relationships. Please get out. Take the power away from him.

This "man" does not deserve you, OP. There is a world full of men who do not treat women like the dirt on their shoe.

My OH does this but to a much much lesser degree. And he has never, ever treated me like you describe in front of friends/strangers etc.

It's not all the time, but it still pisses me off. When I wear certain dresses (which I love) he feels the need to tell me - every fucking time I wear them - that I'm dressed like a grandma. Last time he did I told him that I liked my dresses, thank you very much, and I would prefer to look like a classy older lady than some 19 year old prostitute. I think he just didn't realise how annoying it was.

But that's a very minor point in our relationship, and not something he usually does about my appearance overall. I am more concerned about the fact that he didn't introduce you as his bloody wife!!!

This is utterly bizarre and send quite nasty. Why does he want you to feel belittled and humiliated? Why would anyone want to make sometime fell that way? I find this behaviour very disturbing.

If you genuinely had something - a mark on your ear, fine. But he made it up I find that so weird. Almost gas lighting behaviour to make you doubt yourself and feel shit.

He should talk to someone about why he does that as its no normal.