Feeling overshadowed by and jealous of younger sister (warning - whiney!)

[SelfishMiseryGuts]

I've namechanged to a name I've used once before, although I'm a fairly regular poster.

I'm really struggling with my feelings towards one of my sisters at the moment. I'm the eldest of 4 girls, this sister is the second eldest.

Now, I truly am best friends with all 3 of my sisters, and I love them all to pieces. We're all very close. Which is why I'm struggling so much with these feelings.

This sister, I shall call her 'A', is of the type that has to be in charge of everything, and has to be the best at everything. She has actually admitted to me that she has to be the best at everything, so it isn't just me having a skewed view. Not in a nasty way at all, she really is lovely, she is just more of an 'alpha' than any of us.

I feel pathetic writing this actually as I know I'm lucky, but this week it's really getting to me.

'A' always has to be the one to be seen to do things for other people. For example, if our parents go away, she has to be the one to make sure the fridge is stocked and they have a meal ready for them when they get back. Which is fine, but no chance is given for any one else to do anything.

We have a family tradition where I always do a particular thing on a particular day for our parents. She has started doing this thing before I even get to the house now.

She'll say to ask her any time I need a lift or a babysitter, but on the very few occasions I've asked over the past 7 years, she's only ever been available once. She won't put herself out for others at all, unless it benefits her somehow. I am aware that sentence makes me sound bitter and selfish, but I'm honestly not that way usually!

One of my other sisters and I started doing something together - it was 'our' thing. 'A' has decided to join us, and now they are doing things related to this thing together and I've been excluded. Also, 'A' has had to show that she is the best at something again.

She's also the type that seems to have everything fall into her lap. She's been helped out money wise by our parents with everything - driving lessons, cars, the house she owns - they even paid for her honeymoon. But when she is given the choice of helping family or benefiting financially, she chooses the financial benefit, even if it means a family member is left stuck. e.g. She owns the large house they live in thanks to parents selling it to her at a hugely reduced rate. She promised to sell the house to a sibling for the price it was worth when she bought it. The house has been valued at way above that, even though they've let it go to ruin a bit, so she has put it on the market to get the higher amount, and the sibling is stuck and unable to afford the size of house that is required.

I do admit that I'm jealous of her - she's slimmer, prettier and more successful than I am. She's also higher on the 'favoured' list than me in my parents' eyes. I am working on not feeling this way as it's not pleasant and not right.

I don't know how to deal with feeling overshadowed though. She really doesn't consciously do these things, it's just her personality - she has to be the most important person in everyone's lives. Others have even commented on how everyone seems to run around her. Our parents have been known to cancel plans or turn down invitations because she was planning on doing something else or whatever.

Gosh, if you've read this far, well done! I don't even know if I'm looking for advice; I just needed to get it off my chest really. I don't want anyone in RL to know what a horrid sister I am! And I don't have any friends outside of my family although that's another story.

Sounds like you need some friends outside the family, where you can be valued and not simply fodder for someone else's showing off and selfishness....

It also sounds like you are sacrificing a great deal to preserve the narrative that you and your sisters are 'best friends' - ever fancied changing the story?

I do need friends outside the family, you're absolutely right. I'm just utterly shite at making friends! I was raised in a very strict religion which discouraged friendships with people outside that faith. Since I left that religion I lost my friends and actually don't really know how to make new ones.

Pathetic, me!

Actually, I've never even considered changing the story. Interesting.

You can love family without having to be best friends with them. TBH she isn't exactly behaving the way you would hope from a friend, is she? It may not be deliberate, but unless she is incredibly unaware then she must realise to some extent that she is treading on your toes with the thing you do for your parents, and the thing you and your other sister did together.

She can't be completely ignorant of that fact, but has done it anyway.

Some best friend, huh?

You do need to turn your focus outwards from them and into the wider world - if making friends is tricky, then why not pick up an interest or hobby that has no connection to family, and at least interact with people on that basis.

You are not pathetic.

She sounds hard to deal with. Have you spoken to your other sister about how she feels about A muscling in on your time together?

One thing I do know though, truth has a funny way of rising to the surface, it may take time, but it surely does.

Walkingacrossthesand makes a lot of sense.

DH's family sound quite similar. They are an interesting family with lots going on and fun to be around. They make quite a big deal about being close and getting on soooo well. But actually there is a lot of jealous and resentment and I think it is fostered by their parents who play favourites.

Why do your parents have a 'favoured' list? Sounds horrible.

She sounds awful, and I should imagine she knows exactly what she is doing.

As a child, I was better than my older sister at most things (she has outshone me as an adult, though). She got into a sport, and I followed her into it. One of the coaches said that if I went for it, I had the potential to be better than her. But, even then, I was aware that that would be really hard on her, and I didn't pursue the sport, but left her to do so. ( I never would have been that amazing, BTW. I didn't give up Olympic aspirations! )

Wise words from you lovely people, thank you.

AMumInScotland - You have made me think about whether I'd accept this from a friend outside of the family and actually, I wouldn't. And if I'm honest, yes, she probably does know to a certain extent. I just don't like to think that she would knowingly elbow in on her sisters. I will take your advice and look at taking up a hobby independently.

baskingseals - I do feel pathetic, but thank you I've not spoken to my other sister as a) she's very sensitive and will feel as though I'm blaming her in some way, and b) they're twins so they have a very singular and intense relationship.

EyeoftheStorm - I'm sorry, I didn't mean an actual list. I explained it incorrectly really. They love all of us and would honestly be shocked if anyone mentioned they treated any of us differently from each other. I guess it's more that she spends more time with them and she has a career and is always the first to do stuff for them (as we don't get a chance to), and she has a particular hobby that no-one else has, so she has/does more for them to be proud of, if you see what I mean. I'm sorry, I'm not good at explaining things.

SanityClause - Love the name! What a lovely person you are, that is such a decent thing for you to have done.

OP I agree with other posters that your sister sounds less than kind, or at best, is behaving in an unkind and thoughtless way. Funnily enough, she sounds jealous of you. She seems as though she can't allow anyone else to shine, whereas very loving siblings should enjoy each others' successes surely? You , in contrast, sound thoughtful and kind, and I wonder if you just can't face the fact that your little sister isn't very caring of you? I have two daughters, and they do get jealous of each other, the eldest, who was doted on by all sundry has found it hard being usurped socially by her sweet small sister now that she is 9 and a bit old to climb on laps, which the smaller one still does. I think my younger child, just turned 7, does deliberately exclude her older sister when we have adult friends round, she is good at gleaning all the attention- however, we step in, and have talked to the little one about this not being kind, and arranged one on one time for dd1 with much loved family friends. I wonder how your Mum and Dad dealt with any jealousy? Perhaps read "siblings without rivalry" to work out where they went wrong! Your sister sounds insecure and demanding, and I would hate a friend who behaved this way. Maybe she knows you are the nicer person? I would have it out with her actually. Tell her how hurt you are, and that you feel pushed out . DH's sister is like this actually, in that she takes all the attention and has shoved DH out of the family, and I do partly blame their parents as DH was clearly the favourite child for a long time. I have a good relationship with db, in part as he never does this. He seems proud of me, and I am of him. My Mum was scrupulously fair, and clearly didn't have a favourite when we were children, which I think may have helped.

Did you all leave the religion en masse? Or are some of you still in it?

hellymelly - I prefer to think she's being thoughtless rather than deliberately unkind. Although she can be extremely thoughtful and most people who know her would describe her as exactly that.

I don't know about her being jealous of me to be honest. I do have one thing in my life that she desperately wants, but in everything else she is better or better off than I am. Maybe you have it half-right - she is caring of me but is more caring of herself, if that makes sense?

I don't remember there being jealousy when we were younger, although there may well have been! Because she is one half of twins, they always had each other to turn to, and also got more attention from others. Maybe that has something to do with it - she very much likes the attention. I will read 'siblings without rivalry', thank you.

Gosh, the thought of talking to her about it is terrifying! I hate confrontation of any sort, I'm a massive wimp. And I would hate to hurt her. Maybe I'll gently point out that certain things are my things to do, as certain things are hers to do.

I honestly don't think she is deliberately trying to push any of us out, I just think she likes being number one and being highly thought of. It's just that her liking of that is stronger than her consideration of others.

Thank you so much for your response, you've said some very helpful things and I will ponder upon them. I am sure that your DB is proud of you, rather than just seeming to be so.

She has your parents very well trained, doesn't she? Nothing you can do about that ,I'm afraid.

But you can call her on certain things. For example, I would have said something about her taking over the activity you always did with your parents. ' can you leave that thing to me, please? I enjoy doing that with mum and dad'.

Financially she's behaved very badly, but your parents should never have let it happen in the first place. Money inequalities between siblings cause rifts until extreme old age.

Yon might find it interesting to read about character traits within families depending on your position in the family. It's very true of my family.

And totally agree about you rewriting the story and spending less time both with and thinking about them. You are your own person with your own life. That's what growing up is.

WhotheWhat - I'm probably being paranoid but if you know any of us then my answer to the question will totally out me! So before I answer, can I ask why you want to know?

if she was a friend, you'd start to reduce contact! But she is your sister

I 100% agree with whoever said that you need to stop making out you are best friends. She is your sister, end of. You love her, but dont always like her. focus energies on people that make you feel good and be very mindful around reducing the impact she has on you.

and for her to behave this way, she is VERY insecure for some reason, why ? interesting no?

And totally agree about you rewriting the story and spending less time both with and thinking about them. You are your own person with your own life. That's what growing up is.*

This is so true and I absolutely do need to grow up and start being my own person.

Off topic, but just to say you sound like a really nice, intelligent person and I'm genuinely surprised you don't have more friends. Perhaps that's something you could seek to change, taking the pressure off what sounds like a very intense relationship with your sister?

Oops, bold fail, sorry Mathildathecat

A couple of posters have said that she sounds insecure. I'd never thought about that as she's always seemed more confident than the rest of us.

Saltedcaramel2014 Thank you! I do know I need to work on making other friends. A hurdle I must overcome

I agree you sound an absolute darling. Maybe think of it this way- if you were hurting the feelings of someone close to you repeatedly, would you want them to tell you or to put up with it?
I also wonder whether the big thing you have is a child, and if she is very insecure about that. Thirdly- twins? That can be a double edged sword. Twins get more attention, but only for the fact there is another person too. Not for themselves alone. They can feel insecure alone and become competitive to prove they are good in their own right. They also don't get undivided attention as babies so can look for that as adults. How is her twin generally? Could you talk to your other singleton sister to get her take on it?

I know this sounds stupid but It sounds to me like she is completely lacking confidence, even though it is probably not how it comes across to you being in thef e middle of the situation and almost as if she is jealous of you.
She is basically people pleasing and taking over anything you do that puts you 'in good favour' with your family.

My sister used to be like this to a certain extent, because of the way she behaved I think I almost put a 'front' on to her I was also a successful professional in a faultless relationship when in reality I screwed up in my job as much as the next person and had stupid arguments with my dh.

One night when we were drunk she told me she was jealous of me. I was so shocked, she felt my parents loved me more and she tried to do everything for them to make them love her. It really changed our relationship it then came out a few weeks later her dh was violent towards her and had kicked her in the stomach the day she came home from having a stillbirth the motherfucker

She came across as confident and my parents / siblings favourite but was actually falling apart inside and was being uber compettitive to make herself feel like She had a sense of worth.

Now I'm not saying this is what Is happening here maybe your sister is justcompetitive and wants to be the best at everything but maybe is a front for poor self esteem and jealousy of you.

Insecurity can often come out as needing to be the centre of attention, needing to be the best, needing to prove that you are indispensible. Because, deep down, they don't feel that they are that.

If you are confident in yourself, you can allow other people to get attention too, or be better than you at something, because it doesn't hurt.

So yes, I'd agree that she's like this because she is insecure. But that is her problem to deal with, not an excuse. Up to you if you call her out on things - you can do it in a kind and loving way if you don't want to be confrontational about it. Calm is always best if you can manage it, just saying "Thanks but I really value the time I spend with our parents doing x, so it would be nice if you could leave that to me"

I wouldn't talk to her myself, I'd work on bolstering yourself up, as you feel lesser at the moment, so how can that be changed?

I think getting a hobby, friends, more of a sense of self outside the family could really work for you, there's a lot of kudos for yourself and within the family for being a mature, self-confident older woman as you go on in life.

I think tackling slightly self-centred people never works very well as they don't really have the insight to change.

I sometimes envy my sister because she is the one with career which i have always wanted but cant due to ill health. And so i feel like the boring one at home with not alot to talk about.

Hiya,

I feel firstly that your feelings are very valid and you're not a bad person for having them.

It sounds to me as tho your sister pushes herself to the fore regardless of everyone else's turn. I think something needs to be said. In my line of work, it would be said and she would be expected to sit back down and let others have a go too. Is the any way you can address this?

Re the rest of the post, it sounds to me like she's a bit of a selfish show off. How far you'll get with changing that is anyone's guess. X