Feeling overshadowed by and jealous of younger sister (warning - whiney!)

[SelfishMiseryGuts]

I've namechanged to a name I've used once before, although I'm a fairly regular poster.

I'm really struggling with my feelings towards one of my sisters at the moment. I'm the eldest of 4 girls, this sister is the second eldest.

Now, I truly am best friends with all 3 of my sisters, and I love them all to pieces. We're all very close. Which is why I'm struggling so much with these feelings.

This sister, I shall call her 'A', is of the type that has to be in charge of everything, and has to be the best at everything. She has actually admitted to me that she has to be the best at everything, so it isn't just me having a skewed view. Not in a nasty way at all, she really is lovely, she is just more of an 'alpha' than any of us.

I feel pathetic writing this actually as I know I'm lucky, but this week it's really getting to me.

'A' always has to be the one to be seen to do things for other people. For example, if our parents go away, she has to be the one to make sure the fridge is stocked and they have a meal ready for them when they get back. Which is fine, but no chance is given for any one else to do anything.

We have a family tradition where I always do a particular thing on a particular day for our parents. She has started doing this thing before I even get to the house now.

She'll say to ask her any time I need a lift or a babysitter, but on the very few occasions I've asked over the past 7 years, she's only ever been available once. She won't put herself out for others at all, unless it benefits her somehow. I am aware that sentence makes me sound bitter and selfish, but I'm honestly not that way usually!

One of my other sisters and I started doing something together - it was 'our' thing. 'A' has decided to join us, and now they are doing things related to this thing together and I've been excluded. Also, 'A' has had to show that she is the best at something again.

She's also the type that seems to have everything fall into her lap. She's been helped out money wise by our parents with everything - driving lessons, cars, the house she owns - they even paid for her honeymoon. But when she is given the choice of helping family or benefiting financially, she chooses the financial benefit, even if it means a family member is left stuck. e.g. She owns the large house they live in thanks to parents selling it to her at a hugely reduced rate. She promised to sell the house to a sibling for the price it was worth when she bought it. The house has been valued at way above that, even though they've let it go to ruin a bit, so she has put it on the market to get the higher amount, and the sibling is stuck and unable to afford the size of house that is required.

I do admit that I'm jealous of her - she's slimmer, prettier and more successful than I am. She's also higher on the 'favoured' list than me in my parents' eyes. I am working on not feeling this way as it's not pleasant and not right.

I don't know how to deal with feeling overshadowed though. She really doesn't consciously do these things, it's just her personality - she has to be the most important person in everyone's lives. Others have even commented on how everyone seems to run around her. Our parents have been known to cancel plans or turn down invitations because she was planning on doing something else or whatever.

Gosh, if you've read this far, well done! I don't even know if I'm looking for advice; I just needed to get it off my chest really. I don't want anyone in RL to know what a horrid sister I am! And I don't have any friends outside of my family although that's another story.

It was just a thought. Stepping away from a religion is bound to have a massive impact on any family dynamic, especially if it was something you did and your sister didn't.

Ooh, quite a few responses since I last had a chance to check in.

hellymelly, that's lovely of you to say, thank you. You're right, it would be better to know if you're hurting someone so you can change that. Yes, I have a child and she isn't in a position to have one right now, although she is more than ready. And I think you might be spot on with the twin thing - I'd never even thought of that. The other twin is the complete opposite - quiet, unassuming, incredibly kind and gentle, always puts others first. I might chat with the other sister, sound her out a little.

scarletoconnor, what you've said doesn't sound at all stupid. She is definitely a people pleaser. I've noticed she will agree with whomever she is talking to at the time, even if what they're saying is the polar opposite to what the previous person said, if you see what I mean. Thank you for telling me about your sister; it's helpful to see it from that perspective, and I guess it could be jealously, although I really, honestly don't see what she has to be jealous about! I'm sorry your sister went through such awful things

AMumInScotland, I will definitely be calm if I speak with her about it. And I might even use your exact phrasing, if you don't mind? I can understand her behavious more if it stems from insecurity as I've always been fairly insecure. Although I've gone the opposite way and usually try to fade into the background.

Thenapoleonofcrime, I am definitely going to look into getting a hobby and I will work at making at least one friend outside the family, scary as that prospect is! I know what you're saying is right though, I do need to bolster myself up and not feel so inferior.

ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA, I know what you mean about feeling like the boring one at home with nothing to talk about. I have a very dull job and I don't really do much outside of work other than bring up my child, so I feel as though I have nothing to offer anyone conversationally, let alone as a friend. I bet you're nowhere near as boring as you think though. I'm sorry that ill health is preventing you from taking the path you really want.

something2say, thank you for saying I'm not a bad person. I do feel a bit like I'm slagging her off, but I really don't mean any of it nastily. It's just how I'm feeling about things. What line of work are you in? Our family isn't really one for airing things out, we just keep everything inside till it kind of goes away. It's not really the best way of dealing with issues, I know!

WhotheWhat, that makes sense. I apologise for the paranoia Funnily enough, we have both left the religion, although I think that me leaving was a bigger disappointment to my parents. Maybe because I'm the eldest.

Hogwash, I'm afraid I do have form for letting people walk all over me. I'm a lot better than I was, but I tend to take the path of least resistance and say nothing when I should probably stand up for myself. I know there are certain aspects of her life she isn't 100% happy with, which might go some way to explain her behaviour too. I honestly don't recall any sibling rivalry when we were younger, although that doesn't mean there wasn't any. I know my parents did their best to live by 'do to others as you would want them to do to you', and they instilled that into us from a very young age. The twins definitely got away with more than I did though

Thank you so much to all of you lovely mnetters. You've given me lots of great advice and I have a lot of thinking to do. The main things I am going to do are withdraw a bit from the friendship side of things, get a hobby and make other friends, and have a conversation with her about my thing that she's taken over.

You're bloody lovely, you lot.

I could be a lot less charitable about your sister but I won't . Not all people behave like that because they're 'insecure'.

I agree that she is jealous of you - or maybe anyone who shines in any way. You were born first - perhaps she can't quite get over that she wasn't first?

You say your parents would be mortified if anyone thought they had favourites, but did you get a leg-up financially too, or was it just her? That's a biggie, I'd be feeling second best if I didn't get absolutely equal treatment, especially over huge finances.

it may be that she's the Golden Child - a poison chalice if there ever was one. Perhaps read up on it, and that family dynamic in general (there's usually a scapegoat, too).

As for twins, I can't help noticing that the other twin is meek, sensitive - perhaps that has to do with her overbearing sister. I've just watched OBEM and brayed at the television with all the 'aw how lovely to be twins' shite. It's a common misconception. In my case I was born with a viper and the poison she has poured into my life from dot has cost me a huge amount in therapy. So please don't assume that twins = lovely. Not always - in fact, often not. (Sorry to go on, though; close to my heart..).

Just came back on this to vent slightly. Have been doing ok with not feeling so overshadowed etc, thanks to you lovely people. But I've struggled again this week and esp this weekend. In fact I'm close to tears, which is ridiculous!
Sis got married last year. Parents paid for their honeymoon overseas. It's their anniversary this week. They said they wanted to go back to honeymoon destination with parents. Guess where they all are now? Yup, parents have taken them there. The parents who are finding it tight moneywise at the mo. And who will be having Sis and Bro-in-law living with them for a few months as they'll be homeless once their house is sold. Despite the latter making a minimum of £25,000 profit on the house.
And no, we didn't get a honeymoon paid for us. Or bridesmaids dresses paid for us. We don't get any 'one on one' time (as it were) with my parents, because sis is nearly always there, or arrives there within half an hour of us.

I sound like it's all about the money don't I?! It's really not, I honestly don't care two figs about money. It's just the incredibly unequal treatment that gets me.
Anyway, sorry to sound so self-pitying. I had to get it out and I think it's better to rant to internet strangers than to my husband or other family members. Don't want to bring others down with me!

Bloody hell, please ignore me everyone. Just read my last post back and it really is whiney and pathetic, and the whole thing is absolutely a non-problem! Go help people who actually need it - i.e. everyone else on the relationships board. Not woe-is-me here!

You are allowed to feel upset. You are not pathetic. I think you would find that a large number of people would feel exactly the same as you! I would.

I have to be honest, I cannot believe she had the balls to even ask for a repeat honeymoon FFS we would all love that!

Am rubbish at advice but wanted to send you an unMNetty (hug) and tell you to not beat yourself up.

Imho, it is a problem.
Have you looked up narcissism? I am not saying that she is (or even could be), but reading up on that may give you a a new frame of reference from which to pick apart this dynamic.
Sucking all of the oxygen out of the room (claiming center of attention, 'pushing' you aside) so no one else can function is a tactic to derive some sort of superiority at the expense of others.
It may sound harsh, sorry, but what you have posted about her reminds me of a phrase seen on this board: she is an emotional vampire.

Imho, your kindness has built a habit of minimizing the reasons as well as impact of her behavior. She is damaging your self-esteem. This is a big problem, definitely not a non-problem.

Everything from your username to your posts shouts that you are being hard on yourself and not taking your own feelings seriously.

Sometimes a very religious upbringing can leave a very strong feeling that we should always put ourselves last and that our feelings are of no consequence. It is a good thing to consider others but I think it is ultimately more healthy to be fair to both others and ourselves.

When we are happy and confident we have more to offer.
It sounds like the dynamic in your family is sapping your confidence.
I don't know how it has come about but from what you have written your sister is being treated as the golden child.

Do you have a good enough relationship with either of your parents to explain that you are feeling pushed aside?
I also agree that it would be helpful to put a bit of distance between yourself and your sister and build relationships outside the family.

You are not inferior-for some reason she has a need to compete and feel superior-that isn't your fault.

OP did you say that YOU have to put up your sister and BIL?...that would be a nightmare. I would def open the convo with your other sisters - I am the eldest of 5 sisters and there is one really challenging one I thought that I was the only one to see/experience her behaviour but of course I was not....I actually walked in on my younger 2 sisters venting frustration and they reluctantly told me what they were talking about...I was so relieved.

No we just share experiences and deliberately try to pre-empt and contrive to manage and minimise her issues between us.

Three out of four of you are elbowed out of the way by this sister. I don't think it is pathetic to notice and be hurt by it. She obviously hungers for approval and attention. Detached from the situation as outsiders we can say well, she clearly struggles to fill a big gap in her life.

Unfortunately she is indulged by your parents so from her pov why would she stop!

No advice to add to that already given but it's far from normal and I don't blame you for being exasperated.

I don't think the problem is with you OP, I think she sounds insecure, competitive, selfish and mildly obnoxious. You get on with your other 3 sisters fine.

I would just detach from her a bit, expect her to always try to get money out of your parents, and, as other people have suggested, make other friends outside the family.

What do your other sisters make of her behaviour?

Would you be able to say to your parents that you feel annoyed that she is receiving preferential financial treatment?

Btw I think you have got grounds to feel annoyed so give yourself a break!

I do not think you are a horrid sister at all let alone a selfishmiseryguts. Think you are being far too hard on yourself and I would also consider a change of username. You've never considered changing the story because you feel your role in this overall dysfunction (and I would think that your family of origin is dysfunctional) entrenched and thus cannot be changed.

You would not tolerate any of this from a friend, your toxic sister is no different.

I would suggest you read references on Narcissistic Personality Disorder re your sister and see how much of that fits in with your own first hand knowledge of her.

She has your parents well trained to serve her and indeed they do her bidding. You cannot change that particular mindset of your parents here. Your sister's way of working is precisely what and how a narcissist would do and behave towards others. You are but bit players in her life; she is the centre of her own universe.

Wow, thanks for replying everyone. I've only just checked the thread because I wasn't expecting any responses.

I doubt I could say anything to my parents without causing a lot of upset and I'd rather not do that. I've upset them enough by making one or two choices in my life that they feel are detrimental to my 'salvation'.

I will have a look at the narcissism books that have been suggested, thank you. I don't know if she's quite that bad, but I'll still look into it.

I think I shall just have to keep working on accepting that this is how it is, and trying to not let it affect me too much.

I can maybe discuss it a little with her twin, but I have to be careful as obviously they're super close. Our other sister probably won't have noticed as she's not around much. She's a real social butterfly

Thank you again lovely people. You've made me feel a bit better about things, and like I'm not such a bad sister after all